Well, I can’t go to Cambodia, now can I?

Trying to stay away from a crutch for this.

I guess I looked and then forgot that I looked.

Of all the weird band names, that one’s always stood out as extra weird to me.

1776

Priorities!

“Great for the stupid that’s learning.” Interesting advertising, lady.

I love Facebook marketplace ads.

What fresh drama is this?

This is kind of gorgeous.

No, I don’t think I want to go on your Crime Cruise, thanks.

I wonder if I’ve developed allergies.

“Precious plant peoples.”

“A mother’s prayer is that her children love each other long after she is gone” … to the grocery store.

I’m sorry you don’t like my Instagram feed. It’s not at all likely to change.

I just don’t think fake poop on baked goods is appetizing.

Yes, I do still hate the word “hubby.”

Dude. Please. I beg of you. Stop using the word bricolage. We get it.

Table of Tables

I’d totally be an anarchist if I didn’t loathe chaos so much.

Apocalypticism.

But we don’t have a Ministry of Health.

Man. Now you just sound pretentious. No one talks like that.

Look, I can’t walk around behind you people turning lights off all goddamn day.

“It’s probably because of genetic genealogy.”

As opposed to … ?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but I totally forgot it was Wednesday for like 4.5 hours.

You get what you get I guess.

I bet someone reported it. I thought FB notified if you if your post was reported though.

You guys!

I was on a roll before the surgery. Now I’ve totally lost it. Which really kind of sucks.

Who the fuck eats a cinnamon roll like this?

This was surprisingly good. I actually couldn’t stop reading.

This is hilarious and this man’s head is an odd shape that is vaguely off-putting.

I had failed to notice that Labor Day is so late this year.

Blame it on February 29th.

And now I am talking to myself.

Talking to myself is not something I normally do.

Clearly this is a sign that I probably need an intervention of some kind.

“you cannot have 20, 30, 40, 50 clips in a weapon.” … well no, no you can’t.

OMG I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Now I get to listen to all of

I don’t think you’d say “peak … season is high.” You sort of imply the high by using peak. That’s what it means. Try harder.

Sinus drainage. Now I can’t breathe through the other side of my nose.

Jesus. Of course there is genuine evil in the world. What is wrong with people?

Yeah, no. You mean formerly. Not formally.

I think I need a break from the world.

The world would be a better place if

This talent is breathtaking. Thanks for sharing this JR.

Seriously. Stop. STOP. Stop putting so much fucking emphasis on these Myers Briggs type tests. They’re bloody fucking meaningless.

Fucking cults.

Amazon: We found something we think you might like. Hmmmm. Sure, Amazon. Sure thing.

Oh I wanted to read that book! Too bad I don’t have time til MAY.

Wait. I’m definitely not the advisor for College Republicans.

Honestly.

Jesus God. I haven’t seen that many ads on one page since the dawn of the internet.

Well, clearly no one gives a shit, so. I’ll just stop announcing things.

Dear Grove. Your website is always broken. It’s irritating. Love me.

Gonna go get some more pharmaceuticals now. Wheee.

It’s not Mackinack. That’s not how you say it.

Fuck. I utterly forgot about the BoT schedule.

I don’t really understand the Lizzo thing.

It’s shocking how many of these positions are requiring Master’s degrees when it clearly isn’t Master’s level work.

Quite sure I’ve said that before.

I have to relearn this stupid keyboard apparently.

My pants smell weird. Again.

This. Isn’t. Working.

Stop saying sportsball. You sound like a pretentious hipster who thinks you’re better than everyone else.

ARGH More new people. I don’t do well with new people.

That is not helpful.

No thank you.

I just do not get excited about knitting the way I used to. Thanks SJW mob.

Why is everybody always trying to make Finland sound so great?

I really truly deeply do not like my job.

Wow. Selling Alaska to the Russians. That’s even better than Guam capsizing.

I see the Psychedelic Furs are spending much of their US tour in Florida and Arizona. Where all the retirees are.

I don’t understand air plants.

Romeo and Juliet is not a romantic story.

Nice. Now I can’t read the Post Millennial without an account. I’m about done with you, internet.

Offered dream position. New budget model rips it out of my hands. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING.

I’ve woken up with this song in my head every day for weeks. WEEKS.

Maybe I’ll just end every sentence with a repeated phrase in all caps for emphasis. MAYBE.

My two hour meeting this afternoon just got canceled. So I got that goin’ for me I guess.

Well I guess this is going to be a short one. My suddenly free afternoon got filled with other crap. Of course.

OK, I definitely don’t think this is the right med for me.

Wow, she unfollowed all of my accounts. See ya.

My teeth hurt.

Theeth. Theet.

Yeah.

I borrowed it from the University of Michigan. I don’t think anyone’s ever checked it out before.

I can’t figure out how to do this.

I’m going to go drink now.

This may be hard to believe, but I really do try not to judge people. But when you get to work at 6:25 in the morning to find your usual parking space co-opted by a car absolutely covered in Bernie Sanders stickers, you have no choice but to shake your head in disgust and mutter about socialist assholes.

People still have MySpace pages? … Maybe they’re on to something.

I can never think of responses to these discussion posts. Like wow, that’s a really interesting perspective.

I am not interested in stories about con-men. They stress me out too much.

Do I smell weird today? I feel like I smell weird today.

I always did have a soft spot for Schumpeter. Ironically.

He should really stop doing that with his hair.

“A new fierce female PI takes on deadly internet scammers in Ghana.” meh

See. I thought it was dire. But it’s not. It’s dying. Dire works so much better there.

Dire geese.

I wish they made a perfume or cologne or oil blend that smelled like this candle.

I just didn’t think Little Women was that good of a book, that’s all.

The ERA is dead. Stop tryina resurrect it. Buncha political theater.

I don’t know why I was thinking that was near Grand Rapids. Sometimes I forget where stuff is. And just how sprawling Detroit suburbs are. Bleah.

I think everyone arguing for population control should be the first ones stepping in line for euthanasia.

Gah. Peas. Why are you so disgusting?

Look. I didn’t even know the queen had that many children.

Pretty sure I’m taking these courses in reverse order. On the plus, the highest level one is out of the way first.

Why is everybody always trying to add an extra N to confiscate? No one is confinscating. That’s not a thing.

Stop talking sense, Piers Morgan!

If there is one thing you should have learned from true crime, it’s that you should never submit your DNA to one of those databases.

I don’t care what anyone thinks, I can’t stop listening to James Blunt’s latest. Also? It had been so long since I listened to his first album, I had forgotten how much I loved that one.

It’s not really free if you’re paying for a subscription, now is it?

Um. No.

I find the oddest people attractive.

Ha. That woman thinks I’m an idiot.

You know, I never thought Rob Lowe was attractive in the 80s. Current Rob Lowe, however, is a damn good looking man.

What is the point in having books if you’re going to turn all the spines to the wall in some sort of misguided hipster aesthetic foolishness? “Shit, I’d love to loan you my copy of High Fidelity. If only I could see my book titles …”

Sorry, Nick Hornby, I actually really enjoy your work, but hipsters ruin everything. But also that was a totally hipster book.

I don’t know what I’m doing either.

I can’t help it if I’m awkward.

I’m glad typing that email felt familiar or I would have sent the exact same message to these people two days in a row, having forgotten that I sent it the first time.

I probably need some red shoes.

But you don’t even

God. Hillary Clinton. Stop.

Did hat really need to be a secure email? I have my doubts.

And just like that, the day got away from me.

Ew. What. Ew.

It’s generally not actually a conspiracy theory.

The past tense of sleepwalk is absolutely not slept walked.

Huh. I think I imagined that entire exchange.

Publishers Clearing House is still a thing?

I’m a secret Luddite.

See? It’s not that I’m a picky eater, it’s that I’m a Supertaster, and these foods are actually disgusting to me. I can’t control that. STOP JUDGING ME.

I thought of something when I was lying in bed last night that I wanted to put in Random and now I can’t remember what it was.

I know I’ve read this before. I’ve possibly shared this before. But this just feels like me.

That leg just looks … odd.

No one wants to talk to me. Fine.

Why are these British people talking about miles instead of kilometers?

I should be fine by then.

This is the first time since Obama was elected that my insurance premiums have gone down instead of up.

“grotesque manifestation of self-congratulatory debauchery”

I need this shirt and I cannot find it anywhere.

Is that like fist bump?

purgatory maybe

God I hate Ravelry. But it’s the easiest place to keep my patterns.

Gnome, gnome on the range.

I wish this stupid floater would get off my eyeball.

Dear students everywhere. Your major should not actually be capitalized. Stop doing it.

Great. The woman who sells candles called “This Smells Like My Vagina” is now being held aloft as a champion of natural hair color. No fucking thank you. Get off our bandwagon, you loon.

Also? Her dress was a hideous mess.

What. Evidently this semester I take study breaks to be catty.

Also I was here first.

OK I’m done. Probably.

Order Post Its.

Not Post Toasties.

I had not intended to spend my entire day reading statistics. It’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

Is it bad that I just want to start The Mentalist over at the beginning even though I just watched the whole thing?

So I guess the answer is just squat more then?

It is straight up bullshit that you’re making me use FMLA for this. What a waste of fucking time.

the surprising science behind

Huh. I never thought about scents being extinct.

I have less than no interest in that.

well i hear you’re drivin’ someone else’s car now

Well, it seemed like a reasonable question to me.

“Ready to level up your working knowledge of math?” Absolutely not.

Of course she didn’t answer my question.

It’s a collection. Of sorts.

I don’t know who just came in here using rose scented shit but you’re about to die. Holy fuck. That hurts.

It’s not actually a musical instrument.

My mood is rapidly failing. Perhaps I should

keylogger. hmmmm.

That was a deeply unsatisfying article.

Sure would be nice to not be sick any more. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, really.

No, but every word of this is true.

Pretty sure I’m going to fall asleep sitting here.

I’m not sure why I should care.

Stop blaming everything on the “Satanic Panic.”

It’s not “all the sudden.” It just isn’t.

I don’t know who is formatting all these official university emails, but they’re way too big to fit in a normal email window and frankly, I’m not scrolling back and forth and up and down to read your shit.

Everyone is so bossy and self-righteous this time of year, while pretending to be supportive and encouraging. Shut up and do your own thing. 

It’s not like I can just sit around reading.

I cannot remember why I signed up for this email.

Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.

I don’t know why that Baby Yoda is so stinkin’ cute, but dammit. It’s just so stinkin’ cute.

WTF kind of name is Raddix? That sounds like some kind of pest control product.

You know what? My head really fucking hurts.

I’m sure that comes as a shock to you.

I sent around 100 Christmas cards this year. I received around 12. I think it may be time to hang it up.

And just like that, it was January.

I feel like I should be panicking, but I’m just too tired.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read an email without a snotty tone. Just because of the way it’s worded. I’d like to not be offended by your bitchery, but it’s just so bitchy.

I hate these people so much.

I just received an email that opened “Hello Jennisen,” That’s a new one.

My name doesn’t matter. It’s totally fine.

You’re either a Returner or you’re wrong.

But what even is X?

Goofball. Sheesh.

STIMULANTS!!!!

“Rub some dirt on it, spit on it, and walk it off.” That’s essentially my parenting doctrine. Also I need to read this book, because she sounds like my kind of chick.

But in like a year, after I graduate. Because I clearly do not have time now.

Also I’m fairly certain I read her IDW piece that’s referenced in this interview.

Yes. Well.

Not a good look when you get pulled over in the official company delivery car, kid.

I could always take up smoking again.

Relax, I’m joking.

I’m legit having a hard time coming up with a thousand words.

Everything just comes out wrong anyway.

Yeah, but I bet you won’t talk about the benefits of human composting.

I mean. It’s a blend.

I feel like I haven’t slept in 3 days.

This just in: Rømmegrøt  still revolting.

SOIEGn”SOEIBNS”Rbinzfbnzfdlkbn
SrboiHEPgj

Reasonably accurate.

a whole universe

Clearly I am working for the wrong employer.

I don’t know. I’d rather have like a nice lasagna or something for Thanksgiving dinner. Pork chops? Cuban pulled pork! Not ham. Not really a ham fan.

“Barack Obama is a conservative.” Now that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever read on the interwebs.

Miss Dolly, Queen of Everything

Google has Black Friday in my phone as a ‘holiday in the US’. Um no.

Yeah, yeah, change is hard. But the new candy canes are legitimately awful.

I don’t know. I feel like I should feel worse than I do. Maybe I just haven’t had time.

it’s just that

It took me FOREVER to start listening to podcasts because I hated them. Now I go in fits and starts. I listen to nothing but to and from work for a good month. Then I can’t take it any more and stop for months on end. This is hilarious.

But I’m still hoping to start my own death education podcast, notwithstanding.

No, I won’t knit you a Mr. Rogers sweater.

It’s not racist to dislike a type of food. Shut the fuck up.

STILL HATE CHINESE FOOD

The “gonna tell my kids” memes are dumb. Stop. It’s like you blew all your energy on the cat and Epstein and you’re trying too hard when really you should just be taking a break. They’re not funny.

I don’t think Patrick Jane is a psychopath. I love him.

OK, but the new ones are still ugly.

I’ve wanted to visit this island for a long time.

Jesus. I can’t concentrate on anything.

And why is it so fucking hot in here?

I need a perfume oil that smells like this candle: leather and oak.

Sorry. the short week threw me off.

Gobble gobble.

what in the what??

Why yes, I do spend the majority of my waking hours engaged in an activity that is not life-affirming.

Arrrrghhhhhh wet socks.

I can’t for the life of me remember where I put all the tiny props for Little Justin Timberlake.

Shit.

I don’t even get the Hallmark Channel.

No thanks.

Homemade Lunchables for life.

I need a new remote for my bloody camera. Again. Dammit.

I’m a good choice for Giving Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or any other day.

No one cares if you don’t go to school, angry little Swedish girl.

there’s a million little battles that

No come on. Biden is missing a whole handful of screws. They’re not just loose. Y’all can’t be serious with this guy.

I just want a nap. I JUST WANT A NAP.

And why is it so fucking bright in here?

I almost have the whole Red John thing figured out. Almost.

FAT

Already 100% over Christmas and trying very very very hard not to be.

Come on, son.

Oh good. Anxiety stomach. Fucking yay.

OK, it’s dark now. It’s not even 5. This is bullshit.

BULLSHIT.

I think Sinclair Lewis got it wrong.

It’s funny to me that so much of what progressives espouse is fascism wrapped in altruism, but they are wholly convinced it’s the right that are the authoritarians.

I can’t remember why I get these emails from Telegraph. It’s weird.

Nick Cave looks like the live action version of a Tim Burton claymation character. But also, he’s spot on.

First of all. Who carves pumpkins in their bedroom?

No, but really. Does no one else find it worth commenting on the fact that there is an intermission in the There Will Be No Intermission tour? Is she trying to be ironic?

This kind of stalled out. Death’ll do that to a girl I suppose.

I’d like to go to Rhinebeck some year.

And Scotland.

And Ireland.

And back to Norway.

And New Orleans.

I really don’t see what possible use I will have for this training. I’ve honestly tried. And I just cannot see it. Not in this context, anyway.

This is hilarious and true.

It’s not the body that bothers me.

Like I’ll ever own a vacation home.

Jesus. What is. Why. You’re an idiot.

Fun fact: Daddy Longlegs are arachnids, but not spiders.

Actually, my real dream would be to get an MLS with a focus in thanatology. I mean. Death Librarian. Come on.

Anyone want to be my wealthy benefactor and pay for my MLS? Anyone?

Anyone want to be my slightly less wealthy benefactor and pay for my ADEC membership? Anyone at all.

Stick with impunity.

OK. Where am I supposed to go?

let’s

It’s hard to jump back into this. My heart isn’t much in it.

Although. I suppose that’s silly. It’s more like I just don’t have the energy to spew my stupid thoughts out in this blank space.

I totally thought that was a close up of like a panther’s face or something. So weird.

My sleep is wonkier than ever.

By now you’ve likely gotten used to my not being here, and Random is but a distant memory.

Those three blondes are essentially identical. I wonder who made that casting decision.

There was another Charlie’s Angels movie? Why?

I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing this morning. Nothing. Not one thing.

You know what. I’m just going to go ahead and post whatever this is. No sense continuing to drag it out, trying to add to it. Make it more interesting somehow.

Gotta stop crying in the stupid bathroom.

The thing is.

I’m actually listening to my Christmas playlist right now. Try not to have a coronary.

I’m TRYING.

This, honestly, is hilarious.

Whatever happened to Crag Sheffer?

I disagree. Because I disagree.

I don’t often see concealed carry bags I like, but this one is close.

I’m still not convinced you should carry in a bag. If someone snatches your bag, then what? A cross-body bag is a much better design, but I have yet to find a cross-body design for women I actually find appealing. Better to stick with ITWB.

That reads like it’s the women I need to find appealing. It is not.

Best. Listing. Ever.

I accidentally clicked a link to a seemingly innocuous possibly cute story about an obscure film prop only to find myself on Jezebel, hating the author after the first sentence because they have to politicize every fucking thing that exists ever. JESUS take a fucking break.

Is it ironic that I can never remember what epistemological means?

Ellen is 100% right the fuck on.

I don’t fit anywhere.

I’m supposed to be reading this book for class and I cannot concentrate at all today.

It’s not a toomah. It’s totally a toomah. Maybe it’s a toomah. It’s not a toomah.

I still have never set foot on your deck. It’s become a sort of superstition now. Should I ever set foot on your deck now, it will signal that that is the final visit I’ll ever make to your house. Now I can’t ever walk out onto your deck. It would be tempting fate.

I do actually go into a slight panic if I realize I don’t have a lip balm. I’d rather be without my phone than my lip balm.

F.U.C.K.

Exactly how many times do I have to say OK, I give up, I surrender before the shit just fucking stops?

You are here.

Motives matter.

There were never any razor blades in your candy. Remember in the 80s though, when the fire department had the X-Ray machine thing set up with the conveyor belt and you could take you candy and have it scanned?

I just wanted to see an X-Ray of my candy. I never did though. I imagine it would have been a very dull picture.

I both very much do and do not want to see this film.

Yeah, but they don’t really care.

I just realized I accidentally threw my hanky in the trash.

Just say no to mohair.

Nohair.

I would argue that she doesn’t deserve punishment of any kind, not even “clapping erasers” (which I’m pretty sure they don’t do any more), but this? This is bullshit.

Wow. Classy jackass.

Why didn’t anyone tell me The Mentalist was such a great show? I’m glad it’s finally available for streaming.

isolated

Hey, wouldja look at that.

I really just want to order in lunch today. I really should just eat my freezer lunch today.

“Can a cat have an existential crisis?” Are you serious? Who gives a shit? It’s a cat.

Maybe Luther College will give me a job.

I am against making election day a paid holiday.

I really hate whistling. I extra hate that you come in here every afternoon whistling while you deliver the mail, because it seems a little over the top. And oh look. Literally none of this mail is for our office.

No. I never want any lutefisk.

Fuck. I thought that was due the 24th. It is not.

Well, now clearly I have to see The Rise of Jordan Peterson.

I wonder if we all stopped spending so much fucking time on these people if they’d just go the hell away.

I wonder about the efficacy of your face!

That’s not a reference to what you think it is.

I got your distant intercessory prayer right here, pal.

Maybe it’s that my brain resists the concept of the meaning of the word epistemological, therefore, I have to keep looking it up.

I hate when I can’t grasp a concept because I’m really fucking smart.

We never should have been in Syria in the first place.

I feel extra stupid this semester, let me tell you.

GAH. Fine. You win.

Find an upright yet effortless posture? Yeah right.