It would be really nice if Facebook would top switching my feed to “top stories”. I have it set to “most recent” for a reason!

I keep thinking today is Thursday. I’m doomed.

Additionally. Not in addition. Additionally. Additionally. Additionally. Come on, people.

I have always loathed diagramming sentences.

She’ll have to marry rich. She clearly isn’t going to get by on her intelligence.

“The next time you think only the government should have guns remember that same government just mistakenly shipped Live Anthrax.”

I don’t know why it surprised me to come across Bill Janovitz on Instagram, but it did. Pleasantly.

50 pounds!? That’s like $100!

Charles DeLint always makes me feel vaguely uneasy. I’m reasonably certain that this is not his intention.

But that’s what it sounds like in my head.

The violent seizure of someone’s property.

“Yep. Nothin’ like a bitch wavin’ a banana around, talkin’ about the environment.”

The motion sensors that control the lights in these buildings can’t see me. Apparently I have become the ghost in the machine.

I dunno. I just have a hard time buying Gillian Anderson’s British accent.

Oh. Have you met my other boyfriend, Vince Vaughn?

Oh yeah. That totally happens to me all the time.

Sorry, Wool and the Gang. I’m mostly just not feelin’ ya.

Sloths and moths!

They’re like this weird zen language that makes no sense to me but forms a sort of other planetary poetry.

“Feminism has become a catch-all vegetable drawer where bunches of clingy sob sisters can store their moldy neuroses.”

He could walk down the street, girls could not resist his stare.

What? There’s a new Florence and the Machine?? Hand it over!

Ha: “Every single movie in production needs a person whose only job is to read the book, then slap the director with it every time they say ‘Yeah, but what if …'”

Listening to Shania Twain does not make your music collection “diverse”.

I got some mad skills, yo, but raising literary greats from the dead ain’t one of ’em.

I’m sorry. I just don’t care for Eddie Redmayne.

Love!

OMG so tired of Brucelyn. Most courageous sports figure of the year? Please.

Hi-larious.

I always think people’s Facebook posts are directed at me. I don’t think that’s ego so much as the paranoia derived from a lifetime of pissing people off.

I could have sworn I had made a note of that.

It’s so terrifyingly easy to ruin someone’s life. It’s appalling that women are so willing to do so. We showed this “documentary” on campus.

I’m pretty sure the waitress dress was designed with my body in mind. I can seriously rock a waitress dress, lemme tell ya.

Oh course catalog. Everyone thinks I hate you, but I don’t.

Ooooooh-kaaaaaaay …

I have no idea what those numbers mean.

i HAVE LOST TH

OOpS

I have lost the ability to remember more than 5 of the eleventy billion passwords I have to use on a daily basis. I admit it. I am defeated.

Which famous celeb-ritarian are you? You’re Rand Paul! You’re soft spoken, principled, and powerful. You’re probably socially conservative, but you don’t force your beliefs on others. You might not be so hot on immigration, but you sure as hell know how to thump them Democrats. You probably do a good job in getting Tea Partiers and conservatives to read Ludwig Von Mises. Democrats hate your guts and think you’re racist.

Interesting. Rand Paul isn’t even a libertarian.

I don’t know. Pizza or tacos. Pizza or tacos. It’s not like you can go wrong with either.

Um. He might be drunk, but he can probably still read. What’s to stop him from waking up drunk, finding his keys after reading the note, and then driving away. Drunk. Yeah, Drunk Knight. Good on you. Or something. I know you meant well.

Current favorite book by a living author. That’s all I want to know. I have reasons.

I don’t know. I don’t think I should eat this Snickers bar.

I remember the first time I ever read a word he wrote. I can’t say that about most authors. Even ones I really love.

How Libertarian are you? You’re Barry Goldwater! You’re a strong conservative, who believes in limited government and economic freedom. You’re even cool with gay people, and praise their service in the military. You’re rock solid on economic issues, but when it comes to civil rights acts, you won’t vote for them if you think they are unconstitutional. The constitution is the law, and that’s just how it is.

Yeah, OK. I can see that.

I did not eat the Snickers bar.

I still hate yogurt.

I really should probably be using a standing desk.

“I would prefer a solution that does not involve a chicken in my house.”
“There are chickens in the house.”
“Son of a bitch! They better be delicious!”

Who the hell is Lincoln Chafee?

There is way too much Pete Yorn in my life right now.

even if you never

I think you might possibly have missed her point there.

need. new. music.

I hate that Facebook tells you when your message was seen. I don’t like knowing that I messaged someone and they chose not to answer me. Sometimes I accidentally open a message before I’m ready to answer it and then I think “Oh no! They’ll think I’m ignoring them and I’m not! I just can’t answer this while I’m driving!” But if it’s hours and hours and days or whatever and you still haven’t responded to me? My feelings might be a tiny bit hurt.

Well. That was an interesting noise.

If loving Peter Murphy is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Thanks, Stormageddon. That gouge made with your tiny raptor claw was exactly what my eye was missing.

“Lena Dunham, a young HBO star/high-profile pretend victim/painful memoir writer/abortion fanatic/half-baked leftist/Oberlin caricature. Dunham, in short, is like a big, flimsy cardboard box full of squeaky bad ideas, each repeatedly scrambling, with tiny T-Rex arms, to be the first to make it out of her mouth.” All. of. This.

I’m never going to get around to watching that Nick Drake documentary, let’s face it.

Sorry. So sorry.

It all just came out wrong. It always does.

And that would be the second time ever that a student has mistakenly referred to me as Dr.

God. A Hole in the World. Totally unrelated to Angel, but I immediately thought of that episode that just rips my guts out every. damn. time.

Every damn time.

Hey guess what! Guess what! Go on, guess! It’s Wednesday!

I make my own fun.

I wish my hair would do something besides pony tail.

I don’t know. She has this way of turning things into Things. Like when she uses a phrase you can hear it in capital letters and it becomes a Thing. There are too many Things.

Why yes, I do know how to drink tea. I realize you can’t tell by how I just poured it down my front, but really, I’m an old pro.

Surely I can’t be alone in hating Glenn Beck’s glasses. Not that I’m a Glenn Beck fan anyway. But really it’s the whole glasses, bow tie, suspenders combo that really take it over the top. Someone really should have taken him aside at some point and told him “No, Glenn. Just no.”

I like the word “begonia”. It has gumption or something. It’s an enthusiastic word.

Hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey monkey underpants.

I’m sitting here trying to put my hoodie on sideways, wondering why it’s not working.

The stupid 7 key on this MacBook is always sticking.

I need to watch this again. I loved this movie.

How does this happen??

The fly on this skirt is wonked.

Look out world. This Mtn Dew is fully leaded. stupid vending machine

I now use approximately seventeen different passwords daily. I’m pretty much over that entirely.

This independent study has made me realize something very important. The only thing I can possibly do with the rest of my life has to be something involving political science. My advisor called me an academic. (ack!) She also said that I am a political scientist. (ooh!) Of course, the question remains … WHAT am I doing with the rest of my life?

Hell’s Bells. I just lost 3 hours to scanning crap. Damn.

I don’t have a picture.

Oh Lord, they changed Flickr again.

Wow, you might disagree with a lot of what Rand Paul is saying, but calling him an idealogue is a bit of a stretch, my friend.

I think that word sounds better if you pronounce it ID-ee-ah-log, even if it is wrong.

That’s an old one, but a favorite. “you and i don’t love each other.”

Which is a line from Chris Isaak. And you can buy a print here.

Anyway. I’ve probably used it before. But I don’t care.

That’s enough of that topic.

I need a new ice crusher motor. My iced coffee just isn’t the same with regular ice. Stupid refrigerator.

And now I’ve lost another two hours. This Wednesday was supposed to be super laid back. What the hell.

I was getting dressed this morning, thinking, “Well, normally I’d wear those blue canvas ballet flats, but I think I’m going to be bold and wear these red sandals because I am too much with the monochromatic all the time.” I’m not even kidding. That was the voice in my head yammering about shoes. And throwing the red bracelet in with the two blue to bring it all together. Honestly, it’s like I don’t even know myself any more.

I didn’t know Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger ever even were a couple.

Wow, I really don’t think people need a therapy session after dealing with me. I think that might be taking it a bit far.

That is true. You do always throw out the first pancake. It’s never any good. It’s like some weird law of the universe or something.

Chaos! CHAOS! Too many cooks! Way too many cooks!

You are such a f’ork.

Is it a cow?

I do believe that this is the first time in my entire life that I have not only highlighted passages in my book, but also made notations in the margins. Honestly, it’s like I don’t even know myself any more.

We should take another trip.

Huh. I shoot most everything horizontal and somehow most of the photos I have up in my cube are vertical. Weird.

Justin Amash is so cool.

Tim McGraw’s voice does not sound like it should be coming from Tim McGraw’s body.

I think this battery could really stand to last a bit longer.

July 1 seems awfully far away, really.

I’m going to have to plug this damn thing in, aren’t I?

I never get interesting email.

Oh wow, the 1988 election is all starting to come blurrily back to me.

What the hell is the Looking Back Party?

Don’t leave it on the floor if you don’t want me to put my feet on it.

Be kinder.

Keep to yourself.

Oh wait that’s 3 words.

Not him.

“Oh my God, MOM! You were right! Batman the Animated Series IS awesome!”

Of course I was right. I’m always right.

Apparently I never watched the last two seasons of Gilmore Girls the first time around. I have to say, I’m totally pissed that Lorelai married Christopher.

Also, and I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I think it’s kind of lame that Lauren Graham was basically just Lorelai Gilmore all over again in Parenthood. I mean come on. They are the same character. They didn’t even give Lauren Graham a chance to prove that she can actually act. Of course, maybe she can’t. How would I know? She spent 14 seasons playing the same woman.

So by “I don’t wanna hurt ya!” you really mean “I don’t wanna get my ass kicked by a little girl!” Right?

So. I’m not a writer. I’m not a photographer. I’m an academic.

No. I’m sorry. That can’t possibly be right. It’s sort of nauseating.

Honestly. It’s like I don’t even know myself any more.

This is so neat!I love before and after photos and this is the coolest presentation of that that I’ve ever seen.

Oh my goodness. Back pockets are there for a reason, people.

I have hit that point where I have so much to do I can’t do anything at all.

I know it’s Michigan and all, but I just don’t think I should have to experience 36 degrees in May.

My desk is chaos. Chaos!

I have a list of all the words you use incorrectly. It hurts my soul.

Oh man. Now I want to hear the Singles soundtrack. I need that in my life today.

Oh look, it’s on Youtube. hee

Ha. “And if you don’t retch imagining yourself in bed with Evan Dando, I don’t want to know you.”

Well. Today is just chock full of surprises.

“You should get a weekly per diem for scotch and M&Ms, (not that you have time for either).”

I can’t even tell you. I just. Wow.

I can’t even believe how busy I am. I think Random is getting shafted today.

I just want to knit and nap. Why can’t that be a job?

ZOMG. They’re BOGO Free today!!!! I’m so coveting all the things.

I’m so completely jealous of both of you right now. le sigh

I had never heard of this chick before, but I kinda dig her.

I’m sorry but this is just straight up a stupid math problem. Seriously.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Damn. I wish I still had some iced tea.

Damn. I wish I didn’t have to stop at Wal-Mart.

Damn. I wish I was your lover.

Just kidding.

Why is it so dark in here?

My head is really starting to hurt. I’m pretty sure Wal-Mart is not going to help with that.

C-Span2 needs an Instagram account.

Damn, I love a Rand Paul filibuster.

I did not even know that that was my problem until I read that thing. Damn.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this disorganized. It’s making me nutty.

I really really really love this skirt.

I got a lotta Damn in me today. Apparently.

Allegedly.

Perspicacious. I like that word.

Well we can obviously grow delicious asparagus in our yard. Maybe we should become asparagus farmers.

2QQAAE42SAWS!ADSZDFXRSAf bvytgfdaxz

Stormagegm n2r1`ew

Stormageddon had to get in on Random. So there you go.

gh777n

Of course now he won’t stop …

I’m cold. And also tired. Very very tired.

Just take your damn hat off.

Well. You got yourself a new photographer. Ok then.

I remember. I remember. Didn’t we go to the zoo that day? All my crayons melted in the back window inside my bag. That was a brand new box of crayons. I was so sad. But the melted wax was awful neat. I didn’t know that would happen. I didn’t know.

I remember.

I’m pretty sure that’s a girl bike.

But it’s a jungle out there.

I’m really bad at this posting anything other than Random thing.

I’ve always had a fondness for Sally Mann. I never understood the criticism of her photos of her children.

Oooh! I am intrigued!

Listen. Don’t tell my boyfriend, Paul Westerberg, but I think the National might have just about edged out the Replacements as my all time favorite band ever.

I’m terrifying.

I don’t want anybody else. I don’t want anybody else.

Um. How did I not know that my boyfriend Paul Westerberg got divorced last year? Paul? What is that about? Call me.

Aw man. So many tears.

Does it bother anyone else that there is an apostrophe in the Gogo’s?

It’s a picture of shoes with the words “shop bags” written across it. OK then.

whatever whatever

Well. Apparently ONE is the number of books I can cram into my week between semesters.

I like pizza, Steve.

“Oh my God!”
“What?”
“Priscilla Presley’s face!”
“She’s had some work done, Jen. … By the same guy that did the Joker.”

What is it with these people and their crushed ice?

hee

I feel like I should have read Less Than Zero at some point in my life.

What!? Hells yeah!

“You know I love a good crime show, and I can’t concentrate on political theory if you’re going to binge watch Unsolved Mysteries.”

Feelz before Realz, yo.

27% Unconscionable is a word I heard in reference. I think that’s entirely accurate. 27% is absurd.

Why does it smell like an old, damp dishrag in here??

Phrases are great for passwords but I keep mixing up my phrases.

I don’t think I have had enough protein today.

I think someone needs this knitted for them. But not in that yarn.

“the interest of freedom is a virgin, that everyone seeks to deflower.”

Seth is HIGH

Seriously, why do people continue to use Craigslist?

I am very much looking forward to this one. Guillermo Del Toro is one of the very few filmmakers today who can truly weird me the hell out.

“Do you want a rice cake?”
“I don’t know. Do you want a punch in the throat?”

oOOOOohHHHh!

It’s supposed to warm back up tomorrow. I’ll be able to wear a skirt. yay! Although I do like these pants. They’re so comfy.

ARGh. These arrow post it thingies are useless. They are not sticking. I’m going to be forced to use highlighters. I never use highlighters.

Wow, Red. You’re on a roll today.

everything is creepin’ in and i’ve been sailing so long i’ve become the shore and don’t you know don’t you know don’t you know

Um. AK47 grenades. Guys. That’s a satire site. Calm down.

I could go on at length about how much I loathe jury duty. But I won’t, because this is probably more entertaining.

I did read American Psycho, though. Before there was a movie even. So there’s that.

Aw neat! I am so not that momma one. With the academics.

didn’t anybody tell you?

I’m still pretty sure I need a Guns ‘n’ Roses tee shirt.

Dammit! My button popped off my pants! The only thing holding these puppies up is the sheer force of my will.

Why don’t people just farm Morels?

I did not realize today was the anniversary.

There is just no end to the ridiculous.

Am I still here?

Sheesh. I’ve sent about twelvety questions out to various people via the interwebs and no one is responding. I am invisible and weightless.

There will be a test!

I have no idea what I did with that schedule. I have no idea who is working in the morning. I have no idea what’s going on!

I’m so ready for sleep.

Ooooooh! I get to test knit Annie’s new shawl design! Yay!!!

This made me el oh el.

I would like to stab whoever is responsible for my waking up with frigging Peace Train stuck in my head right in the eye.

I’m pretty sure there was a better way to structure that sentence.

Hell’s bells. How is Kurt Loder 70???

Your phone is Catholic?

after all of these years

He’s like the Jim Jones of Facebook, without the charisma and Powers Boothe good looks.

Yes, but I was pretty proud of my little narrative up there. So. There’s that, I guess.

What? I drink tea. I enjoy tea. It’s not my raison d’etre.

ecks o ecks o ecks o ECKS O

Why would you do this to yourself?

Your phone is a Democrat.

I see absolutely no point in my attending that meeting.

This song reminds me of the good parts of the 90s for me. Mostly it was a near decade of one bad choice after another – bad friends, bad boyfriend, bad college decisions, bad job decisions, bad fashion choices, bad bad bad. But here and there were some good things.

This new persona is going to chafe.

I don’t come to work so I can listen to you clear your throat all day.

It’s resignation. One hundred percent resignation. How depressing.

Guess Snyder’s going to have to carry around his chunks of infrastructure a while longer. Good for the biceps or something, right?

What? That was not a snicker.

mmmm Snickers mmmmmmm

I’m wearing thong sandals. How can I have something in my shoe??

Yeah, I don’t really have a “summer look”.

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me very much. I don’t think that’s an issue for me.

The first time I ever heard this song was on Witchblade. The hot musician guy was “performing” it. I was hooked.

I liked that show. Witchblade. I’d like to watch that again. I still have some of the comics.

I think I’m hungry.

I’m definitely hungry. I wish I could go out for lunch. I don’t want to sit here in this soul sucking pit of misery.

For my Texas peeples.

“Hooray for us!” lunch. Yeah. Hooray for you.

Holy wow. Ann Jillian.

It’s too nice outside for me to be trapped in here. I say this knowing full well if I weren’t here, I’d just go home and be in my house.

“I would like to not be interrupted in the bathroom to be asked what I want on my baked potato.”
“I would also like that. In case that might happen in my future.”

I still can’t believe that Kurt Loder is 70. How is that even possible?

This has to be my all time favorite Grant Lee Buffalo, though.

Suppressing my personality is taking a toll. I’ll adjust.

Can we just cancel this meeting? Aren’t you hiring someone this summer whose job it will be to handle precisely what this meeting is about? Can’t we just wait til that happens and hand it all over to him/her?

I don’t know what to tell you. I am not an event planner. And suppressing my personality is one thing. Pretending to be an event planner is entirely other.

swoon!

UGH. Stupid CMS. Why isn’t this working?

I generally remind the world, or at least the portion that glances in my direction from time to time, to read Harrison Bergeron at least once a year. Today Reason is doing it for me. And rightly so.

I feel like most of the people on this campus have never read Harrison Bergeron.

Tiny, goat chewed Kurt Vonnegut is nodding at me in approval.

It’s possible this is a migraine inching its way up my neck and into my skull and sending little tendrils of creepy doom around and into my brain and latching onto the inside of my forehead with its thousands of tiny alien sucker claw grabby hands of hellish hellness.

Honestly, how does my desk get this dusty?

I’ve always liked the word “scofflaw”. If you say it fast it’s sort of like skaflaw. Skaflewie. It’s a neat sound anyway.

Skaflewie!

I guess I’m not really looking for inspiration lately.  I am, however, looking for someone to tell me what to do with the rest of my life, because I sure as hell haven’t been able to figure it out.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Taking an Australian job quiz is probably not going to offer me a solution to my problem.

I do love post cards.

I need a nap.

Now I’m thinking about how dusty my house must be and how it’s so much easier to ignore that dust.

I’m a disaster.

Hold your balls until the end.

But. But. Some animals are more equal than others!

I really wanted that skirt I saw at Meijer. But I did not spend the money.

Why does this stupid macbook keep trying to go to sleep on me?

I just remembered Miss W’s Thomas the Tank Engine tent.

I was just reminded of one of my favorite jokes.

No one cares, Miley Cyrus. No one cares.

I want to try this scent out.

I love Kitty.

A fancy journal is not a gift I will ever use.

Oh man. Tears.

I keep saying ragon wide. And when I try to say it correctly it comes out ragon wide.

I wonder how they decide who gets to sing …

I don’t know. It’s less “loneliness” that I’m getting and more “ax murderer.” Although I suppose ax murderers are, by their nature, a lonely sort.

Gah. Now my keyboard cover is covered in slobberishness.

It is really weird typing without a keyboard cover on this thing.

Aw man. We’re out of iced tea.

Final exam number one in T minus five hours and 26 minutes …

I will be so glad to close the door on this semester, let me tell you.

“That was a lot less painless than I thought it was gonna be.”

a large brilliant meteor

Yep. Gotta see it.

No it isn’t. It’s not epic. It’s no where near epic. You don’t even know what that word means.

Yes. That might work. If Alton Brown were to come to my house and make all my meals for me. Sure.

I still wouldn’t eat fish though.

Huh. Because that’s the first place I thought to look.

hahahahahahahaha

It’s funny, because I haven’t seen a single conservative say one bad thing about Jenner or his transition. I have, however, seen all kinds of liberals bashing him for being a Republican.

A cute little harbinger of doom. Not unlike you, Agnes.

“You are a very sincere and honest human being. You’re very much inline with your values, and you always try to be a better person for yourself and for others. As a person with integrity, you are principled and you keep it real like no other. You don’t just talk the talk, you actually walk the walk every single day.” Well. I’d say that’s probably very true.

You know I don’t have any love for FLOTUS, but I thought her hair looked good at that ridiculous dinner.

I was Googling proofreading jobs. Trying to find a way I can basically get a second job when I don’t have any time in my day for a second job. I found this ad. I feel like my application should be correcting all the errors in the ad.

I just discovered a little hole in the elbow of my hand me down gray cashmere cardigan. And honestly? It was all I could do not to cry.

Huh. I think it’s weird that you look like a mom blogger when the last I heard you were still living with your mother.

You’re welcome.

OK, it’s only in the 50s in the Mitten right now. We do not need the air conditioning on. Come. On.

“Well. He DOES use a camera to take pictures of things.”

Well that is the last time I steal a snack bag of Doritos from the event box. Talk about stale. Gah. How disappointing. I have bad breath for nothing.

“Herds of gender studies majors wandering the streets, just like when New York shut down its mental hospitals.”

I need this shirt because #Truth

I have resolved to never bring donuts to this place again.

Oh yeah. You’re a real peach, honey.

Everyone Counts! Except you. You shut up.

I’m not making any more suggestions. They have no interest in my suggestions. My suggestions are outside the realm of their  agenda.

My note taking hand writing is so bad. I keep reading “veto power” as “verb power.” Which, I suppose, would also be accurate.

And see there? I read that “line item veto” as “line item reb.” Make of it what you will.

There. One final down. One to go. Then one whole week of freedom. How many books do you think I can cram into a week?

Yeah, I just can’t even with the rest of this day. Maybe I should just leave early.

I’m kind of dreading learning what my new job title, description, and pay will be. Because I’m quite certain that I will not be happy.

I looked at the voluntary self evaluation form. It’s dumb. I’m not doing it. Also these evaluations are meaningless.

now i know what dire means

Little demon.

This photo? It’s been favorited 152 times. And I don’t even know how many treasuries it’s featured in. And not one. single. person has ever. EVER. purchased a print of it. I dunno. I just think that’s weird. Don’t you think that’s weird?

I need a kind and beautiful human to show up at my cubicle door with a grande iced cafe au lait.

I need hair help.  Why can’t I dye my hair to look like this? Then when the gray grows out, it’ll be totally less noticeable.

I’m torn. I don’t know if I should start calling Stormageddon “Crash” or “Lumpy”. “Crash Lumpy” maybe.

Don’t ask me to review things if you don’t want to make corrections to them.

Sometimes the universe is good.

Ugh. Can I have a t-shirt that says “Anti-Feminist”? Maybe that should be my next Teespring campaign …

Yeah. I should probably be studying right now.

Sorry, but firing that guy over that tweet is pathetic and ridiculous. What kind of country has this become? I’m starting to feel ashamed to even be on this planet.

Dammit! I need to take Monday off. I need to go to Grand Rapids. How can I get out of these meetings?

These are quite nice.

I wanna go see Rand Paul! The last time I shook a candidate’s hand, he was elected president.

Another fine product from –

Great. Now I have Huey Lewis stuck in my head.

Well damn. Guess that idea is a scratch.

so much for monkeys

Sheesh. In all the years I have worked at this university, I choose the 37 degree, blustery, snowy late April today to forget my ID and have to wait on public safety to come let me into my building and office. I have too much on this plate right now.

I dreamt I was talking to these two women who kept calling Indiana, Indian Anna. Indian Anna. Indiana will forever be Indian Anna to me now.

Yep. All of this.

Aw! This made me get a little teary.

“Irregular Warfare” would be a good book title. Or band name.

Ha! “Make up your mind bowl!” Anthropologie is ridiculous. Straight up.

“I shot for the moon and my arrow went straight down to hell. But at least I tried!”

I think the internet is tired of me. I’m tired of me.

Nice piece from Reason on Sabo.

I dunno, Miss W. I think I’ve reached that stage of parenting where I just don’t get your music.

Wait. What? I didn’t leave it at home. It’s sitting here on my damn desk. Such a dumb ass. Plate. Overfloweth.

Wow. I do not even know how to respond to this nonsense.

I thought that said “organic casino.”

I wake up in the morning and think “I’m going to be positive about this day and not complain and just be me minus complaining and smile and be polite and just push through this day.” And the universe laughs and laughs and laughs and sucker punches me and then kicks me in the teeth. And I think “How is it any wonder that I am not a positive person? Look. Look at all. This. Shit.”

Office phrases that need to be summarily executed: redacted in case of Google

I don’t even know. It was there when I woke up.

I’ll take Tawny Kitean’s hair though. Although really, I’d prefer Mary Louise Parker’s hair. If I have a choice.

OFFS. Now. I will tell you that my life would be exponentially easier if I were an extrovert. That is a simple fact. But I don’t go around whining about it. I deal with it. I put my fake “greeting the public” smile on my face. I add ridiculous exclamation points to professional emails that should never ever need exclamation points to over compensate because otherwise I’m accused of being curt. But social privilege? Get out of my introvert club, ya jackasses.

Also? Most of the things on that list are total BS. I mean TOTAL. Take your victimhood drama elsewhere, bitches.

Have I not given you that advice? he asked. Of course you have, of course.

People just make me tired and sad. That wouldn’t happen if I weren’t a closet optimist.

I’m totally OK living a life of tea stained counter tops and hand me downs.

Yeah, I’ve been conflicted about Rand periodically. But. I’m still thinking he’s the way to go. Now I just need a t shirt … Someone tell him to send me one, I’ll be his rep on this ridiculous campus.

Well that wasn’t helpful at all.

I know I’m forgetting something. I know it. Like everything about the budget process, but not that.

Yep. If I yell at you about your trigger finger, don’t take it personally. Just listen.

Don’t look up to me, I’m drowning.

I feel ya, Stormageddon.

Stupid useless Canadian quarter!

“We would call ourselves the Resistance.”

Um. Yeah. Calling myself was not at all what I meant to do.

I am tempted but no. I think I’m going to need to do absolutely nothing at all that day.

I really should not have eaten that cookie.

Now I need a therapy cupcake.

Terrycloth and terry cloth are both correct.

Stop. Snowing.

Ugh. I hate telling the students I’m not hiring that I’m not hiring them. It makes me sad.

My People Who Need Shawls Knitted For Them list is growing.

Shut up, stomach. You’re not hungry.

But for now, I have to unknit this row. Woe.