We probably wouldn’t be besties, actually.

Why do all the patterns I want to knit lately have 1×1 ribbing? You’d think I enjoy torturing myself or something.

Pee Wee’s Playhouse is on Netflix!!!!!!

The Compound squirrels need to be upgraded.

Dear God. We have to get rid of this toy. It plays musical versions of We Didn’t Start the Fire and some other piece of wretched wrongness I can’t quite recognize.

Also, stop eating food you find on the floor because I haven’t had time to vacuum.

This is awesome.

Why would you ever want a refrigerator with a glass door? You would have to forever be cleaning your fridge and also you could never buy cold junk food any more, or every time you walked past it would be like a silent, frigid rebuke.

I don’t want to be weird. I should leave Facebook.

Abandoned places are so fascinating. Especially when they’re so well preserved.

Weaponized celebrity. I like that.

It’s probably a little ironic that I spelled ballistic wrong just then.

You don’t smile because it causes wrinkles? That just makes me really sad for you.

For the record, #LittleJustinTimberlake does not spy on the wee smalls and report back to Santa. We’re libertarians. He just hangs out and does fun stuff. Because kids. And fun.

Trying out a new look for the site, but I don’t know. I know I want to change it a bit, but I can’t find the one theme that really works for me. I don’t think I’ll keep this one though. But. You tell me. I’ll maybe just keep trying new ones and soliciting your opinion.

How is it Wednesday again already?

How is tomorrow 2015 already?

I’m not ready. Already.

I need to try and finish this hat today.

It’s been trying to snow since yesterday. Seems a bit more earnest today though.

I’m not going to recap anything. What’s to recap? I think that falls under the Christmas Newsletter category, in that I don’t really understand it.

I think my tea’s gone cold.

Hmm, maybe not so earnest after all.

I always mistype newsletter the first time.

There are some places it just shouldn’t snow, and Arizona is one of them.

Yup. OK. Right.

It’s cold in here. I should put on another sweater or something. Also eating lunch might help.

Why’d ya have to bring Jack into it?

Oops. Didn’t mean to be outside for that long.

And WOW is it cold out there.

Dammit! I’ve run out of Criminal Minds episodes! What am I going to do now??

ARRRRGHhGHggghhhhHHHH

I’d like to be in a better mood now. Thank you very much.

I think the last time we went out on New Year’s Eve was Y2K.

Wow. Who tickets. More abandoned Detroit. I haven’t seen anyone shoot in the Silverdome yet.

I’m not a resolver, but if I were to make a resolution for the new year it would be to start saying NO without feeling guilty. Particularly when someone is being manipulative.

I’m freezing, but not because I’m sick. It’s just bloody cold in the Mitten today. Real feel this evening is 2.

I just did a preview. I completely forgot I changed the theme. I realize now I don’t like it at all. Gonna try a different one.

Oh yes, that’s much better. I suppose I should clean up my links while I’m at it.

Last Random of 2014. Weird.

I never had any of that fancy Play-Doh machinery when I was a kid.

I wish I had a country club like that to join. Of course, I’d probably never go. But if I did, maybe I’d make new friends and then I’d want to go. I don’t know what I’m talking about. And I’m not even drinking right now.

I need a good movie to watch tonight. I don’t even know what to watch. I don’t even know what to look for on NetFlix.

I’m having a hard time getting into this new knitting project.

I’m getting a headache.

Argh. No no no. Why does it do that weird photo sliver bar thing at the top of the post? That is precisely why I hate 75% of these damn themes.

Oh you’re rotten!

Hat: finished. Blocked. Ready to wear. Along with my beautiful finished sweater.

I can’t even count that high.

Here’s something about 2014 – it made me even more of a misanthrope than I was before. I really didn’t think that was possible.

I was once described as the misanthrope’s misanthrope.

I can tell you my head hurts twelvety times less intensely when I don’t have to leave the Compound.

Alright, people. Alright. Go. Get to ringing and things. New Year’s smooches from me to you. Most of you anyway. But I’ll just blow them to you because touching and introvert and personal space and things. Happy happies, chickens. Happy happies.

WTF is a feminist killjoy? Because when I see that phrase I think yes, that is what liberal feminists are. Killers of joy.

I don’t know what that does. But I think I just locked the damn thing up.

“What does the Age of Enlightenment stand for if not the proposition that the wilder the accusation, the more corrupt one is to doubt it?”

Seriously. These people need handlers.

ooooooh!

Jeb. Seriously? Just no.

I’m reasonably certain that I don’t need a TARDIS spatula or a sonic screwdriver vegetable peeler.

It’s weird when I post things in Random and then my friends will post the same thing a few days later on FB. It just emphasizes how few people read Random. Or click the links. It makes me saddish.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Tom Hiddleston would be fucking perfect. PERFECT.

ha.

How hard can that be, really?

Typical.

I’m cracking myself up over here.

This is an unbelievable level of absurdity.

I’ve been so sucked into this stupid database I haven’t even been paying attention to this post. And I didn’t even have any meetings today. And now I just really want a nap.

And just like that, I have a meeting.

I need caffeine.

This is totally something I would do.

I don’t think anyone really needs Ryan Gosling socks.

Subtle Jesus

I don’t think printing something Christmasish on a sweatshirt and calling it a sweater actually makes it a sweater. But what do I know? I just knit sweaters and shit.

!!!!Why do I not have these Chucks?? Oh wait, I know this one. Never mind.

I need painkillers. For real.

cards cards cards cards cards

Honestly. I don’t know what they do over there all day, but it doesn’t seem to be what their name implies.

it was just like

“That picture gave me the fears.”

I have to remember to pick up more of that gluten free flour.

No sir, I don’t like it.

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

I nearly

frageelay

Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But your favohrite flavoah?

Man. I really hate peas.

Self inflicted victimhood.

I don’t believe that Target story ever happened. How would that woman have even made it past the Secret Service agents in the first place? What a bunch of fiction.

Apparently that is just one password too many. That is the password that short circuited my brain.

The Halloween Tree. Lovely holiday reading. This is a good story.

Sometimes mindless knitting is a little too mindless and you totally screw it up.

shake it like a po-la-roid pictcha

Good enough. Good enough. Enough enough.

“I’m discussing penis trees in marginalia. SO DRAMATIC.”

I have a new favorite photographer for my list.

No, actually, everything is not awesome.

In case you were wondering what to get me for Christmas. These will do perfectly.

Shrowl should not be a word.

Voting about what to do with other people’s money is a terrible life lesson. Probably in the top ten, in fact, as far as I’m concerned.

Women who lie about being victims of sexual assault are just as repugnant as rapists. Lying about something this horrific not only ruins the lives of those who are falsely accused, it does incalculable damage to the credibility of actual victims of assault. Not to mention the fact that your actions are truly offensive to actual sexual assault victims, in that you effectively belittle what these men and women (yes, men too) have lived through. You are disgusting, treacherous scum.

How do I keep being so busy on Wednesdays? Don’t these people know I have readers? At least SIX of them.

It’s entirely possible that my ass has fallen asleep.

I look so cute today I’ve probably pissed someone off.

So. Much. Dumb.

I think the real story here is that you’re a misogynistic asshole but you only take it out on me because even though you think all women are beneath you, I’m the only one who’s title you perceive as non threatening. All of which also makes you a total moron.

Most unexpected.

It’s weird to see that attempt. Very weird.

An excellent, well researched, reasoned response to Rolling Stone and the problem with imagining a rape epidemic on college campuses.

I just don’t have the energy for this right now.

I’m sorry. Right now the fact that someone used all the ice in the freezer is actually more important to me than your problems. It just is.

Stupid listserv. I hate listservs. Why are they such a pain in the ass?

Ohhh! It’s time for Santa!

ow ow ow ow ow

No, really, that shouldn’t even be a pain anyone should feel ever.

Hello dishes.

I agree that it was profoundly uncool of Santa to take the jingle bells away, but I don’t think screaming is gonna bring them back.

Everybody loves #LittleJustinTimberlake. Everybody.

Closer and closer and closer. Not closer enough.

I don’t know why I’m making these people cupcakes.

I’m going to be making cookies all damn weekend.

Look. I’m sorry. But as much as the Silver Vixen appeals to me, I am happy I used that dye in my stash. I just wasn’t ready to wait it out. If there were some kind of way to make my hair be all silver all at once, I’d be all over it, but there isn’t. So I’m dyeing. And you’ll just have to love me anyway.

I admire your perseverance with that book, but good God is it awful.

ooooh I talked to a millionaire on the phone once! It was my boyfriend Adam S. Baldwin.

Yep. Gonna save up my pennies for the Fujifilm X100S or maybe even the X100T. I’m intrigued by the mirrorless. The minimal gear is like a siren song. I could carry it everywhere.

Don’t forget I have a donation button. Also you could totally just buy something awesome from my Etsy …

My yarn cutter has disappeared off the face of the earth and Miss W has destroyed my good scissors. It’s a knitter’s hell.

“Nearly 45 percent of Michigan residents now live in counties at risk of disease outbreaks, according to an MLive analysis of state data.” Way to go, Michiganders. Brilliant. So much for the herd immunity.

Don’t lick the refrigerator, son.

I typed Random Wednesdah. Ha.

I should stay holed up in my house knitting dishcloths like people collect cats.

Wait. Standing your family in front of your garage door for a photo is a thing? That is a weird thing.

Yeah, this is pretty hilarious.

It’s like whoever made this “blog” is my long lost twin or something.

“On the one hand, we have Wal-Mart, which makes a modest profit margin by helping to feed and clothe people who typically do not have a lot of spare money. On the other hand, we have a grotesque exercise in snobbery — snobbery frequently compounded by stupidity. The view from Fifth Avenue is rather different from the view from Columbia County.” God YES. It’s the snobbery. The holier than though, self righteous, snobbish social justice warriors who think that their hypocritical ideal of where I should shop is more important than my actual budget.

“Vegan strip club riot.” Ha.

Costco Spam.

“I called earlier and talked to some girl and she said I was s’posed to talk to some lady.” The future of our country, ladies and gentlemen.

If you’re going to take it without asking, put it back without bothering me.

“Commit an illegal act in an illegal manner.” There’s a legal way to commit an illegal act??

I should just go back to not speaking in these meetings.

This is not my best day ever.

When you say we all should have received an email inviting us to that banquet, you meant “you all except for Jen.” Obviously.

Not a weapon! Not a weapon! Not a weapon!

Apparently my normal minimum tolerance for stupid is on empty today.

Trying to make the student schedule is migraine inducing all on its own.

That was a horrible meeting. Horrible. I don’t even know what you say in a meeting like that. I’m completely powerless.

This whole day has entirely disappeared. I still have so much to do.

I haven’t said. I haven’t said.

Can someone get Tom Petty out of my head?

just for one day

My dress smells weird. What the hell.

But my sweater smells like spring.

My hair hates me.

Damn. I do not have that kind of money.

What. Is. The. Matter. With. You.

Just stop screaming at me. No, really. Stop.

ArrAGHgrhg Tom Petty is back. Send help. Wait, weren’t there a couple of people who said they’d send me mix tapes?

That thing I said about letting my gray grow out? Yeah, I think I’ve changed my mind.

I wonder what that guy is going to do with all those brains.

What am I going to watch while I knit when I run out of Criminal Minds episodes?

That’s what I love most about that mug. Those zig zags of tea stained cracks. That’s home.

Sometimes I read these deep, insightful MOM posts on Instagram and I think, “Who the hell are these women???”

I have no idea how I’m supposed to remember this for 2 years, but OK. I’ll try.

I started to send the email, but honestly. I just didn’t have the energy to be chipper about telling that woman she misspelled stationery on an official University document about marketing and branding.

Now my sweater smells like smashed up slimy teething biscuit paste.

My tea leaves aren’t saying much of anything right now.

No, Axl Rose is not dead.

Why do sleeves always seem to take FOR-EV-ER to knit?

I need more migraine drugs. I think I have to go now.

Is Christmas over yet?

Definitely not enough protein today.

Beautiful!

Let me tell you something. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is also a shopping hell. I will never do that again.

Snort. No, my inner nationality is not Canadian. I’m not really that nice.

Ohhhh!

Dear Santa.

I went shopping on Black Friday once accidentally. I wasn’t even thinking about what day it was. I didn’t realize what I had done until I walked in the store. I will never make that mistake again.

I might be a little cranky right now.

Oh look. It’s snowing.

I think I’ll just get started on this cake.

pins pins pins pins and needles

Sifting is a special kind of torture.

Shit. I just totally ripped that fingernail right off.

That guy really likes the word “espouse”. I wonder if it makes him feel really smart when he uses it or something.

Take a nap, Tiny Time Lord.

Atrocious behavior. What are you accomplishing? Nothing but destruction.

I think you might have missed the joke of the photo.

Usually when someone says “So this is happening” it’s to be coyish and downplay something cool. I think you’re doing it wrong.

I probably should not eat more of that fritter, no matter how delicious it is.

My new zen.

I dunno. They probably won’t even like this cake.

Michigan is most grateful for electricity. That’s on account of we’re always losing it in the stormy weather.

I don’t know why I’m in a bad mood. I just am.

Actually, Santa …

People get awful excited about Thanksgiving. I think Thanksgiving needs a good old fashioned Buffy the Vampire Slayer Stakesgiving Day marathon.

No, really. We all know what you were doing. You’re just embarrassed that you were called out on it. But whatever.

I keep forgetting it’s Wednesday.

One more thing before you go, Santa …

I don’t think we’re putting up a tree this year. Stormageddon is like a cat with opposable thumbs.

I have weird hair right this minute. That is a fact.

I might need some type of slouchy beanie. I’ll have to add that to the list of “to be knitted”.

I’m sorry you zested your knuckle, judith.

More beer, wench. More beer.

well.

I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you right now. I’m too busy growing my hair.

Wow. I totally read that as “So I’m eating babies.”

Selkies! This looks lovely.

“There is no limit to the number of times an aluminum can can be recycled.” Yes there is. It’s once. After it’s been recycled once, it’s not a can any more.

I love pasties.

Ohhhhhh!

It’s painfully ironic to me that a supervisor who has “chatted” with me more than once about my unsmiley demeanor because people have complained that I’m not friendly enough – basing this solely on my expressions – and despite my protestations that I have no control over my resting facial expression, is bringing an artist to campus for a week to the tune of way to many dollars whose work focuses entirely around the concept of “Stop Telling Women to Smile”.

I am forever saying we should stop using words or phrases that drive me nuts – AMAZEBALLS!!! Hubby. Hot seat. Humpday. But this list is straight up stupid. Bitch.

The refusal to accept any personal responsibility for your own safety is beyond my comprehension. This is not to say that I condone any act of rape at all. It is to say that women are absolutely complicit in their own safety. To lay all responsibility at the feet of men is not only an unreasonable expectation, it is entirely counter to so called feminism. If we’re all completely equal, how can we expect women to eschew any common sense or responsibility? Merely wailing “Men shouldn’t rape! Women should be able to get as drunk as they want!” is preposterous and displays absolutely zero understanding of the human race. Of course men shouldn’t rape. Women shouldn’t either. People shouldn’t steal, kill, brutalize, lie, or in any way be wretched. But they do. That is the nature of humans.

Wow.

I keep saying these things as if someday these people will actually listen. But they don’t. I think I tasted blood biting my tongue this morning. I gave you a solution. And then I gave it to you again. From now on, my answer is no.

Dear People Magazine, Zac Efron is not sexy. Sending shirtless photos of him to my email and calling it the sexiest email I’ll get all day is just wrong. Please reconsider your criteria. Sincerely, Zac Efron’s Eyebrows Will Always Bother Me.

Man, that is some tiny type.

That is not zen. That is so not zen.

How have I been this busy today? I need another snow day.

I NEED ANOTHER SNOW DAY.

I think it’s supposed to rain this weekend. All the snow will go away. Then we have to start all over again. But right now it’s snowing snowing snowing.

My glasses are hurting my face.

I’M OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER M&M’S AGAIN!!! Wait. That’s probably a good thing.

Kitten Box. Gah. I get stressed out just thinking about it.

It’s not a complicated question, really.

hidden in the branches

ARRRgghHHH How many times can I bash this knuckle on something before all that’s left is bone???

Crap. That snow day totally messed me up. I have to make a dessert tonight for the potluck.

Not even the yoga ball chair can help my posture today.

Hear Hear!!

You are invited to the Government and Non-Profit Fair! Oh goody.

I could use a nap.

Ha: “College is easy. It’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire and you’re on fire and everything is on fire and you’re in hell.”

I hope I have everything I need for that cake because I am not leaving the house again after I get home.

I hope it doesn’t take me three years to drive home in this.

I should keep a Sno-Brum in my truck.

Totoro Grenade!

I do not understand why I’m sooooooooo tired today.

I love chili.

I don’t really get why people love the food at Thanksgiving so much.

Interesting.

It took me three years to get home, but only because people were driving like tiny little old ladies.

Ha! I love Mike Rowe.

Cool off, cake! I need to frost you!

Is that guy ever not high?

I am ready for sleep.

The whole damn thing spilled in my bag.

I have no idea what to wear tomorrow.

“An exciting way to make music with your own instrument”

No. Logic. Chaos. Everywhere. INTERNET.

No tea for you tonight, young lady.

All I wanted was a Pepsi.