Apparently I’m just here to take up oxygen and a desk.

I am not having a good morning at all.

I don’t care about your poinsettia!

I think I’m always in need of a finger monkey hug.

These are adorable.

Why do clothing designers assume that pregnant women have no use for pockets in their pants? I hate hate hate clothes with no pockets!!!

Also my pants keep falling down.

I really don’t care when you shop. All those people being “forced” to work on Thanksgiving? I’ve worked a few. And I was rewarded for it financially. Most of those people being “forced” to work are perfectly OK with it because of the bump in pay for working a holiday. You can be as morally outraged as you want, obviously, but I think it’s a little ridiculous. Even many of the conservatives that I know are over the top about this. We’re still, barely, living in a country where capitalism matters. We have the freedom, still, just barely, to choose when and where and how to spend our money. (Unless we’re talking health insurance … ) Stop being so bloody self righteous about retailers giving the public exactly what they’re gagging for. You don’t want to shop? Don’t shop. But stop telling everyone else what to do.

I think I should stay off the interwebs today.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure they had to write a rebuttal, but I have cut down the TARDIS tea leaves look like wedding dresses. ~ JenniferBot

This conversation is completely fabricated.

I need a desk like this.

Yeah. That drives me a little batty. I can’t help it.

Why is it that all the “Hot @ Harper” books in those emails they send me are trashy romance novels I have no interest in reading?

Have I mentioned how much the phrase “self care” creeps me out? Because it does.

I love this cup and saucer.

Why is it that once you bite the inside of your cheek once, you KEEP biting the exact same spot over and over and over and over????

My life would be so much easier if everyone just made wish lists.

Sugar cookies are vile.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! What on earth would possess you to use my electric kettle for COFFEE??? What is WRONG with people??

I love ponchos.

Cashier: “There’s a sparkly gold spider on your hat.”
Me: “Yep.”
Cashier: “Spiders are not my friends.”
Me: non-committal smile
Cashier: “I mean I’m not an arachnophobe or anything!”
Me: “mm hmm”
Cashier: “I just really don’t like them. At all.”
I have this ridiculous conversation all the time. And I’m not taking my hat off for you.

Oh. My. God.

I pretty seriously need a nap right now.

Scotch and Paul McGann.

I cannot stop yawning.

Dammit! How do I have TWO passwords expiring at the same time?

Woo hoo! I get to leave early!

mail mail mail mail mail mail mail

I don’t really want to drink my tea out of a bowl.

Huh. We’re getting a Costco.

When your notoriously picky eater gets out of bed at 11:00 at night with a list of new foods she thinks look delicious and is anxious to try as soon as possible, of course you say yes, but not tonight.

Oh good, the world can start turning again. Ashton and Demi are finally divorced. … Still not sure how they ended up married in the first place, but whatever.

I wash my hands of the entire affair.

I shall go home and knit! Yes! This I shall do!

I prefer Thanksgiving to Easter. I would happily forgo Easter altogether, to be perfectly honest.

I’m making pumpkin bread as soon as this pie is done. Yes.

I wonder why only certain holidays have music.

Not that I really want Thanksgiving carols.

It was just like

I hope Igor appreciates the humor that was intended in that paper.

So I guess that’s why you can’t get the Halloween M&Ms with the little skullies on them anymore? So seriously lame!

“I’m going to be ritually slaughtering and eating this goat later, but for now I just want it to be warm.” I’m not judging. I just thought it was amusing.

I could really use a massage. For serious.

4 days off. Sooooooo ready for 4 days off.

“ARGH! My pants will not stay up!”
“So take them off.”

“Susan J. Demas: Mitt Romney finally beats Barack Obama, more than a year too late” Honey. The mayor of Toronto has a higher approval rating than Obama, and he smokes crack! Bless your heart.

Posting your in jokes on FB all the time is so dumb.

I hate it when I get bored with a knitting project. I am not allowing myself to move on either. Dammit.

I really need this song in my library. Again, stupid video. But I need this song.

Ugh. John Irving. There’s another one for the list. Look at this metaphor! Let me bludgeon you to death with it!

Oops. Dozed off for a bit there.

“I am a turkey!”

I’m not sure how “Christian” it is to produce a yoga DVD that you’re calling “Christoga.”

Also, that’s just a dumb name.

Oh, this is not the lens I want to use at all.

I would like to get a new lens. It’s been a long time since I got a new lens. I know people who have upgraded two camera bodies since the last time I got a new lens. Not that I’m jealous or anything …

Shut up.

I suppose I’ll start posting the jentober christmassy music thing on fb next week. 25 songs I not only tolerate, but actually like. You’re welcome.

Oh! I should do the calendar this weekend!

What happened to Kim Kardashian’s nipples in that God awful video??

Someone should buy this moth. I have no where to hang the damn thing.

Argh! I can’t print from this PDF reader. I need the Adobe thinger.

Little Miss Jesus.

No. I don’t care for oatmeal atall.

I should sell the calendars this year. I’ll put them on the etsy. Which. You know. Go buy stuff. But you might need a calendar, so maybe wait til Monday.

I don’t get the salt on your caramel thing. It does not appeal to me.

I might almost be ready for Charlie Brown Christmas. Almost.

For the moment I’ll stick with my Norwegian murder mystery …

And now my dislocated ribs have increased their dull ache to screaming pain. It is time to lie down.

Don’t over do it on the bird tomorrow, people. You really wish you were here.We make the best turkey ever.

Happy Turkey Day from the Compound!

but then again …

I’m pretty sure I don’t. I wonder if you

Yes, Batman.

The beef sharks were amazing.

Good Lord. Beetlejuice is TWENTY SEVEN years old???

I don’t know if this is true, but if it is … *shudder*

We don’t need a sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life. Just knock that shit off, Hollywood.

4 score and 27 pizzas ago I was a wee lass, waiting for the kettle to whistle.

Pregnant women aren’t supposed to eat deli meat.

Is it safe??

lovely

Stupid campus internet.

I can’t eat those sandwicheds. Sandwiches. Witches.

It cracks me up that Bust is all in a tizzy about this. (Hell, when aren’t they in a tizzy about something?) But I agree with the original list on everything except bangles and leggings, and the occasional floppy hat. It must be nice for Bust writers to be paid to always be offended by something utterly ridiculous. I need to find a job like that.

I don’t know. I think if you’re going to name someone “Sexiest Man Alive” you should at least ask him to shave his neck before you put him on the cover of your magazine.

What the cupcakes.

Ooph. I think my definition of “sexy” and People Magazine’s definition of “sexy” are two very different things.

Completely true.

Why, yes. I have had a headache since August. Thanks for noticing.

It hurt my Vulcan brain!

Dave Eggars is a smug, pompous ass.

That date seems off to me. The PRC did not take over in China until after WWII. I’m not sure how effective a law they “passed” in 1935 could have been.

Prolly I could make this for a lot less than 200 dollars, which is an insane price for a laundry basket.

Aw the Junie B. Jones author, Barbara Park, died! We love Junie B! What a sad thing.

No, I am not naming the baby Pugsley if it’s a boy.

“Morbid Fears and Compulsions”

I wish they’d finish off that popcorn already so I don’t have to listen to people eating it any more.

Look. You can see that I kick ass at the editing/proofreading. Just add me to the payroll already. Then I can catch this stuff before you post it.

Yes, I will make you a cake.

I only tell you these things because I want to help. But I can shut up. No really. It’s possible.

These are hilarious.

I’m adding Paul McGann to my list. Just so you know.

I have no idea what I’m doing, but it all seems to be turning out OK.

I’m really damn hungry.

Vote for me! No! Vote for me! Right now, I’m voting for whoever is going to bring me a snack. And it’s looking like NOBODY.

Yeah, this is … I want to like it, but I’m not sure if I do.

I don’t know what you have against pickles.

Why, it’s enough to curl your hair!

I read it as Tanning Chatum. What? It makes as much sense as Channing Tatum.

This kid is awesome.

The book OR the rest of the hypocrisy.

OK. Forget it, Ashton Kutcher. I give up on you entirely.

I don’t really care for Christmas. I don’t know how you can not know this about me.

It’s not like the leather coats were on purpose.

FB messaging is a meeting in my head.

(thus spake Jenniferbot)

I know.

if you’d like to make a call – if you’d like to make a call – if you’d like to make a call – please hang up and try ag – if you’d like to make a call

Wow! The self cleaner on my oven kicks ass!

YES!

I think it’s interesting that I don’t really care for any of those people’s decor.

I think this just about cancels out that ridiculous “I pledge” PSA he did with his idiot ex wife.

Yes, please, thank you.

Tom Hiddleston is too young for me. I leave him to you. I’ll stick with Nick Gillespie and Daniel Craig and Christopher Eccleston and and and and …

We need to get Nick Gillespie on campus. An honors college event. He should speak to these overly liberal overly entitled kids. It would do them good. Plus, then I could convince him in person to give me a proofreading job. Plus also, Nick Gillespie in person.

I like it.

Maybe she had her sleep removed.

Interesting. I have lived here my entire life and have never heard half of these. I say some of them though, dontcha know. Uff da is a life long favorite.

Yes, I did bring you donuts. Shut up and leave me alone. It’s a delicious sugary bribe.

ARGH I have to change my password AGAIN.

OK, now you can listen to Christmas music. But do it in moderation. Have mercy. Tis the season and all that rubbish.

It’s still too early for a tree though.

“You’re qualified to be handsome!”

I should raise sheep.

you got a way of

December 56th?!?

I’ve been away from my desk most of the day. That’s always weird.

I don’t have a companion animal, and if I did, I most certainly would never have named it Ashley.

Still not getting the whole Ryan Gosling thing. Just don’t see it. Though I wonder if he’s aware his likeness is being used in Obamacare ads in Colorado …

I think I find those ads just as offensive as Lena Dunham’s virginity loss video for Obama. I mean the grammar alone is appalling. But come on. “It’s totally OK for you to run out and be a whore now! You got insurance!”

“Sylvia Plath’s drawings are even more devastatingly beautiful than you’d expect.” No. They’re really not.

Creeeeeeeeeeptastic.

I may or may not be listening to Cyndi Lauper …

This made me giggle. I love HBC.

Once again, I feel compelled to remind you that you do not actually need to comment on a thing merely because it is posted on the internet. It’s OK to walk away. Really.

Well that just seems awfully lazy to me.

Maybe you should avoid donuts if you’re going to eat them like a 5 year old.

Really? You’re that important??

Seriously. Stop playing with your crumbs.

No one takes my course ideas seriously. I think “What We Should Have Learned from Science Fiction” would kick ass.

retrieving retrieving retrieving retrieving failed to retrieve message

I don’t think you really mean affect. I’m fairly certain you mean effect. But maybe not. Whatever.

Interesting.

Holy shit!

“HowahYOOOU?” I hate you.

This is absolutely fantastic. This beat Little Justin Timberlake, I think.

I need to find some new zen. This job is starting to suck my will to live again. I NEED SOME ZEN, DAMMIT!

Did I mention it’s time to watch Love, Actually again? Because it is.

I like dogs.

I would prefer to never have another indoor cat again as long as I live. Ever.

Have you seen that movie about Francis Farmer? Directly contributed to my complete phobia of psych wards. And having no control over my own life.

Tea and cookies! Yes please. Maybe they should have offered to bring some cookies to Chewie’s party. Like a hostess gift.

I just got an email from UPS telling me to contact myself with questions about a package I’m shipping to me. … WTF am I shipping to me??

Neat!

I just do not approve of your use of that term for her. It just doesn’t seem appropriate to me.

I’m very aggravated right now. So much for zen.

I quite often mistype my name as Hen. I suppose that fits.

It’s after 6, jentober. Stop answering work email.

People are outraged by this. I don’t see a damn thing wrong with it. Hell yes to additional protection, particularly when we’re barred from carrying pistols in so many places.

My stomach is just so unhappy. It is a very sad stomach.

Awesome. That right there is exactly how I wanted to spend my evening. Yep. Whee.

Dammit! I just want to read one lousy Time article and I have to pay for it. Bastards! But yay capitalism! But boo Time, because I’m not paying for it.

OK seriously. Stop checking your work email. Do it now. Step away.

I wasn’t paying attention. I was thinking about raspberry sorbet. And also cats.

I miss Grandma Ingeborg.

“I’ll never get a Harley.”

I’m in the midst of a trauma, leave a message and I’ll call you back – LEAVE IT BY THE BED.

I just can’t appreciate Jane’s Addiction like I used to.

Because America. Amen.

But I don’t wanna go to the dentist.

I I I I I

notchosteppin’stone

Halloween tissues make me happy.

Oh Michelle. Bless your heart. Children will never trick or treat for vegetables.

Probably if I wanted to like your Facebook page I would have done it by now. Stop inviting me.

Oh my GOD. The HAIR.

Or, you know, they could just wear super hero capes.

We should not fall back. We should stay sprung forward forever. Falling back makes NO SENSE AT ALL. Come on, Michigan. Get with the program here!

There is no S in Daylight Saving Time. Well. There is. But only one. Not two. It’s not Daylight SavingS.

Here’s your war on women, libs.

I’m thankful for chocolate cake.

I am thankful that I was able to be awesome despite nature and nurture. I triumphed over genetics and upbringing! I RULE!

This is so awesome!

Death to Americans! But not really. Screw you, Iran.

358 days, 17 hours, 15 minutes, and 57 seconds til Halloween!!!!

The amount of protein in protein bars is directly proportional to the degree to which the bar tastes like Play-Do.

Ooooh! Some of these are just stunning!

Do not stumble dry.

Yeah, I don’t really get “cravings” so stop asking me.

Wow. $500 hats. Nuts.

I’m thankful for socks with those grippy thingamawhatsits on the bottoms so you don’t fall on your arse in the kitchen.

The phrase “tasty kale recipe” just feels like an oxymoron.

Wow. This would have been a very different film with this cast. I should watch that again, actually. That was a good movie.

“You’re adorably contrary.”

Homeschooling: In our school, concealed carry permits are encouraged.

I should probably change that header …

Well who have YOU been associcatin’ with?

I do believe that it is physically impossible for that woman to sit in a swivel chair and not swing back and forth the entire time she’s in it.

Those “Repost if you believe in God and in two minutes he will do you a huge favor” posts? Stoppit. I’m pretty sure that if there is a God, he doesn’t really give a shit about your Facebook posts, and he’s probably not in the business of doing you any favors.

I’m thankful for my finely honed and highly developed ruthless logic.

I like bacon, but not as much as everyone seems to think I should.

I’m not giving money to United Way. Stop pestering me.

I won’t tell you my favorite part. Just watch it all the way through.

That is not exciting. I do not understand you. There is nothing remotely exciting about that.

On a 10 question survey: “9. If you answered question #12, rate the usefulness of this tool” Go go higher learning.

Why am I here? Gah.

My job, genius, not EARTH.

I didn’t think what Gwyneth Paltrow said was all that profound or amazing. Sorry.

I like cheese.

They won’t be happy til we’re all in those space age motorized scooter deals like in Wall-E. So ridiculous.

Um. Yeah. When California starts sliding into the Pacific, just remember that we don’t need any more liberals in Michigan, thank you very much.

professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional development professional developmentprofessionaldevelopmentprofessionaldevelopment professionaldevelopmentprofessionaldevelopmentprofessionaldevelopmentprofessionaldevelopment…………………………………………………………….

I thought the cake was fun. I’m all for non traditional fun. My wedding was awesome.

I hate that phrase. It just comes across as so freaking patronizing.

Money does not make you evil. Sorry. That’s all on you.

I just. I cannot get into Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I can’t. I love you, Agent Coulson, but. Man. Joss. What the hell? I’m not saying it’s as bad as Dollhouse was, but damn.

Ooph. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. I’m not ready for snow.

I really think the Memento Mori Revival could take off. I think there must be a market out there for funeral photography. It might be a small market right now, but there’s potential. It’s like the most perfect job for me ever. I just have to figure out how to make it work.

I love this. I’d have a hard time choosing.

“You know what I hate about Star Wars? All the aliens are humanoid. And they’re always pointing out the obvious and explaining it like we’re kindergartners.” I love my kid.

I love leggings. But I don’t wear them with anything that doesn’t cover my strategic areas.

Footless tights are neither leggings, nor pants. That should be covered with all incoming freshmen females at orientation.

Seriously, it’s what I imagine Tim Curry as Frank N. Furter’s Instagram account looking like.

I imagine that anal probe settlement will be appropriately substantial.

Seriously. That is a cool Dalek. She’s so creative.

There are at least 37 people in there. At least.

That was probably one of the more remarkably ridiculous emails I’ve received this week. Completely dismissing me in response to my query and speaking about me in the third person. Yeah. My job is awesome.

No, I mean it. Tom Hiddleston. Lunchable.

This is hilarious. When I was pregnant with Miss W I called her “The Parasite” all the time.

Actually, you’d be in fear for your life, not of your life. If you’re in fear of your life, well, that’s a whole other situation.

No, they didn’t illicit laughs. They elicited laughs. Come on, people. COME ON.

Of course I’ve found twelvety seven sweater patterns I want to knit for myself now that I’m pregnant and can’t possibly wear any of them until spring. sigh.

OK, sorry, I totally laughed out loud.

Ugh. I’d rather not do that right now, thank you, stomach.

We didn’t make chili. This weekend we should totally make chili.

Oops. I did not even notice that.

All I want for Christmas is for someone to come and thoroughly clean my house. And carpets.

OK, I probably want more than that, but that’s pretty much number 1 on the list.

I wonder if that goat’s still standing there looking in the window. He does that for hours.

My life is so weird.

Tomorrow is Halloween!!!!!!!!!

Don Henley is never the answer. Never.

I kind of want this.

So cute!

At least I have my integrity!

Sunnies. Stop. They’re sunglasses.

Some awesome stuff here. I don’t really understand the pretzel or lettuce ladies though …

And while we’re at it – sammies. No. They’re sandwiches.

But I am exactly the kind of person who would carry a purse that looks like a chicken. That’s just a fact.

I love Mike Rowe. I really do.

No, I can’t help that person, because I do not know the answer.

Did I mention that tomorrow is Halloween? Because tomorrow is Halloween. THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR.

I hate resetting passwords all the time.

I just got a new flyer to hang up: “It’s Hard to See Racism When You’re White” I file this under the liberal logic tab of – white people don’t know they’re racist, because they’re all white and racist.

Duh!

Dear God! You’re carrying your terrible grammar over into Bitstrips! Will the madness never end???

Propagate and Multiply!

Thought leadership.

I really don’t think I need an email telling me so and so retweeted a tweet from some other so and so. I’ve never even heard of the other so and so.

I would like some apple pie.

I was just thinking about the Usual Suspects the other day.

Ha. She said porpaganda.

Inassimilable is a very hard word to say.

Not especially creepy or terrifying, but definitely fun.

I think we should make a pot of chili this weekend. Yes. That is a good idea.

I typed “That is a food idea.” Yes it is.

Does anyone have a better Halloween laugh than Screamin’ Jay Hawkins? The answer is no.

What a weird band name.

I just don’t equate Rocky Horror with Halloween.

Do you vant to be left alone?

Ack! So cute!

Argh. To sum up: “Use this standardized test result to teach your kid that this is how the world works and just accept that it isn’t a true reflection of who he is.” Um. How about “Use this standardized test result to teach your kid that this is why the world needs to CHANGE and what he can do to effect that change in his lifetime”? STOP ACQUIESCING!!!!

I don’t know. I’ve never really contemplated the rototiller as a tool for homicide.

I need to shoot some film. It needs to be done.

achoo achoo achoo!

It probably won’t fall on anyone’s head. Probably.

Have I mentioned my love of jalapeno kettle chips?

I think what they meant to say was “READ ALL THE SANDMAN!” But if you read only one issue, ignore the Mary Sue’s advice about Hob Gadling and read issue 17 – Calliope.

Of all the annoying crap on FB, I’m really surprised that people are so cranky about Bitstrips. They seem fairly harmless to me.

With all my teapots, you’d think I was a tea cozy knitter. But I’ve never made a single one. And tomorrow is Halloween!

What a horrible human being.

iPad Air. Is that like Nike Air? I don’t get the significance.

Please stop putting an apostrophe in “Michigan Moms Against Gun Control.” It’s not Mom’s. It’s Moms. Thank you.

This tiny Snickers is too tiny.

I really like that Blacklist show.

I realize that it’s irrational to be irritated about this, but I am, and I can’t help that.

Aw!

Apparently all my links lead to the Mary Sue today.

I must purchase Halloween candy. For Halloween. Which is tomorrow.

This is not my fault.

I mean really. How are the Time Warp or Rock Lobster Halloween songs??

And why does everyone spell Pet Sematary wrong?

You should ALWAYS do Halloween when it isn’t!

I don’t wanna be buried …

Man. I’m almost out of Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer in Nutmeg! My stockpile is nearing exhaustion! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can’t find a color to replace it. *sob*

itch itch itch itch itch

I said I was sorry about your toes.

I think that exact same thing every time Psycho Pants opens her mouth.

You can’t get a new tattoo til April.

OUCH ow ow ow ow. Hot glue is hot.

Man. It’s one thing to snow on trick or treating, but rain?? That’s just mean, Universe.

Maybe a tiny 3 Musketeers will make me feel better.

I need this. OK? OK.

I should just tattoo “Also ran” on my forehead or something. T shirt. Wear it every day.

Don’t ruin otters for me!

I need to go knit something. Watch some Haven. Sleep sleep sleep.

HApPY HallOwEEn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unshaven capitalists! The horror!

Hmmm. Blood. Most unexpected.

I like apple sauce.

This is so totally something I would do.

That’s funny. I don’t remember FB liking Dick Cheney.

Seems like if she were in a real fight all that stuff on her head would be a liability. I kind of love this though. Are those tiny skulls on her corset? Because that is SWEET.

The Thought Bureau of the Ministry of Education. That’s not creeptastic or anything.

It annoys me that businesses are always offering incentives to new customers but not extending those incentives to loyal customers.

I’m never going to be nominated for an award. I’m never even going to get a thank you for everything I do above and beyond my regular job. I have zero motivation for doing anything more than the minimum required. I hate academia.

Keep treating me like a glorified secretary. See where it gets you.

Can I just have all the things?

If you have a spare dollar, you should consider donating. I could listen to that man talk all day. Well for a good long while, anyway.

Neil Patrick Harris is rich. Of course he can afford for his entire family to be professionally costumed and professionally CUTE for Halloween every year. Who cares? My kid is way cuter than either of his and I make her costumes.

I don’t know where the wolves came from but I understand the bear.

Why yes. I would like a TARDIS hoodie, thank you.

When I worked in the lab, I would occasionally have to print photos of the deceased for the police for court cases. I didn’t mind unless they were children. I didn’t have to do it very often though.

Your day could always be worse. Nothing like getting punched in the gut with a reminder about that.

I can’t believe Danzig is in Grand Rapids tonight and I am missing it.

Red gloves! Just what I needed!

I have no faith that my costume will be done in time.

There is no way on this earth that I am going to get this stuff done in time. I just don’t have that much time. Maybe I should have my sleep removed …

I hate the liaison in that season. She reminds me of this awful girl I used to know in this awful city that I still hate.

I’m tired of my music again. This is happening far too quickly these days. New music please and thank you.

No one ever actually sends me new music.

OK, sometimes Red does.

Huh. Well I guess it’s snowing then.

There are several people in this video that I do not normally agree with on just about anything, but in this case, they are not wrong.

John Cusack is not aging well at all.

Oh look! We can all go learn about Islam tomorrow. Please. Tell us all about how it’s a religion of peace that thinks of women as equals and is TOTALLY tolerant of homosexuals!

Who writes a seven page cover letter??

A conundrum.

Now this is stuck in my head.

That roller skating disco just kills me.

So apparently Cary Elwes is dangerously close to the Compound.

I thought it said “Us pizzas.” It did not.

Now I want pizza.

This thing says I belong in New Mexico. Doesn’t this thing know there are poisonous snakes AND bugs in New Mexico? Stupid unscientific flawed internet test.

I need seasons! Seasons, I tell you!

hooray hooray

My lip balm is just not doing its job today.

Halloween in the Mitten. Where your parents always make sure that your costume will fit over your winter coat and snow pants.

Are there any shopping carts that are not messed up? Because I have yet to find one that functions properly.

Pretty much. Except the part about Bust. I hate that magazine.

just for the chance to be

Is that not one of the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard? No?? What is WRONG with you???

The new and destined overlords.

I get distracted by the Fibonacci Sequence. Don’t be impressed. The farther along I get, the slower I get.

This guy uses the phrase sui generis an awful lot.

“Avoid prolonged or excessive exposure to direct sunlight.” Well that shouldn’t be a problem. It’s October in Michigan.

Ha. I typed Emocrat. That’s making me laugh.

Where are our t shirts Ghost Hunter people? Hmm? That is not cool.

i wish i had a head for math so i could talk to you

They’re probably referring to me. I am profoundly unlikeable.

Unless you like me.

I’m not such a delicate snowflake as all that, I suppose.

Solace in solitary somnambulance.

Oh Matt Frewer was in Lawnmower Man II. I must not have seen the first one.

What’s up with the violin? I must have watched this. I have no memory of it though.

No. I will not get a flu shot. The only time I have ever had the flu was after I got a flu shot. So stop pestering me.

What the hell? No one wants to go to dinner with me and a best selling author? You don’t even have to pay!

Yeah, I wouldn’t even buy a Banksy for $60.00.

I feel like this should be a public service announcement: “It is almost NEVER necessary to reply all.”

Sweetheart. You can barely do your own job. Stop trying to do mine.

Here’s another PSA for you: Either spill it or STFU. Vaguebooking only irritates everyone around you.

You should stop putting apostrophes after numerals. It’s plural, not possessive. You’re in your 30s. You cannot possibly be in your 30’s.

I like the blue one. Too bad it’s so expensive. That’s my very favorite movie.

Chocula is saving my life right now. You don’t even know.

This is to inform you that you are a winner.

“democratization of banality”

el oh el

Chips and salsa. I love you.

where is it where is it where is it

A gloomy, misty fall day in the Mitten.

Oh good! Dinner takers!

So you want to be the associate dean, eh? Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha

Hmm. Maybe it was someone else who agreed with me.

This really creeped me out.

I have no focus lately. I hate that. I hate it massively.

oompa loompa doopity do

i’m just a poor

I love this weather. I do I do I do

I do not love this semester. I wish I had taken it off.

I don’t think this generation understands what the word “mandatory” means.

Gah! Stop putting mayonnaise on everything!!!

Bill Watterson!

I’m very irritable right now. It’s best if I just read this crap and lay low. Very low. Maybe take a nap.

Listened to this on the cold, rainy walk back from class. Perfection.

I think I need a hiatus.

I never watched that show.

I’m feeling very cynical about all of it right now. Every last word.

Yes I did steal the Pride & Prejudice flyer. They should have known better than to use the new pulp fiction cover. It’s now hanging in my office.

That is my very favorite book of all time.

I don’t think I sound like a tool for saying “I don’t go to Starbucks.” Because I don’t go to Starbucks. For a variety of legitimate reasons.

Good Lord.

I can’t possibly be the only woman on this earth who hasn’t read that Fifty Shades of Nonsense.

Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum

Yes, please, thank you.

You’re quite welcome. welcome welcome welcome.

I need a door.

Ladies. Your problem isn’t Maria Kang, it’s that Maria Kang busts her ass to look like she does and you don’t. You feel guilty, so you turn that into being pissed off at some woman you’d never heard of before five minutes ago. Either STFU and start working on yourself, or ignore it. But being pissed off at a woman for the way she looks or her stupid caption on her photo? You perpetuate the much much much larger problem. Stop attacking each other for being successful, for working hard to look good. She’s not “shaming” you (and GOD am I so thoroughly sick of that turn of phrase – “fat shaming” “thin shaming” “what the fuck ever shaming”). You choose to be offended. So knock it off.

I want the bed, and the bathtub, and the nook, and the slide, and the library chair, and the southern nook …

That strange woman keeps emailing me.

Catastrophic Consequences!!!!

Yes, it’s cold. It’s not cold enough to turn on the heat. Maybe an electric blanket. Of course I don’t have an electric blanket.

Spectacular. Obamacare is ensuring that I will never be able to leave my job for something I like better because I can’t afford to lose this insurance. Sometimes it’s really damn hard not to just hate the hell out of all Democrats all the damn time. And don’t try to be all “I’m not a Democrat!” If you vote Democrat, you are guilty, and I’m trying really hard not to hate you.

Itchiest. Ever.

Seems like maybe I might have deserved a thank you for all the hard work I did for my event. But let’s just ignore me and thank EVERYONE ELSE FOR ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Um yeah. No.

Anthropologists are an interesting bunch.

Why does that keep coming up?

Plain M&Ms almost always make me happy.

Oooh! Amazon gift card! Maybe I can get something off my wish list!

What’s up with the aliens??

i swear this world

A giant Harlowe horse!

Got milk?