This place makes me want to shave my head.

The humidity here aggravates my head pain. I’m trying not to complain, but sweet zombie jesus, it’s terrible.

I keep reading that as Smooch-a-Pooch Saloon. It’s salon.

I wish I had a donut. And some iced coffee. And millions of dollars.

I can have, please?

You got: Zoë Alleyne Washburne. You’re a pistol. You have zero time for liars and needless drama. You’re driven, goal-oriented, and have excellent judgment. If there’s a conflict, you know how to deal with it diplomatically without wasting time. You’re also quick as a whip, and extremely loyal to your close circle of loved ones.

I’ll take it.

Oh hey! There’s a Dunkin up the road!

I actually lost track of what day it was. Weird. I feel like I’m in limbo.

I was all set to have that chocolate iced for breakfast and someone ate it. Dude.

Bacon is obviously the answer here.

Is it because I burned the shit out of both of my hands making your bacon?

I was puffing out some air from exertion.

That sounds kind of wrong out of context …

Wow it’s hot. Too hot for the two miles I just walked pushing Stormageddon in the stroller while he snoozed away. Next time he’s walkin’ too. Lazy little bugger. Just kidding!

I don’t like that answer. Next!

I want to be thin and beautiful with my sweaters and things perpetually falling off my thin and beautiful shoulders in a sexy yet vulnerable way that only thin and beautiful women see to be able to convey. But I’m not thin and beautiful. I’m a curvy smokin’ hot nerd. And that’s cool too.

Ah yes, Indiana’s Bucket Android Lake.

I thought that sign said Fartville.

“They put weird lights on those signs.”
“They put weird everything everywhere. I’m Brian Fellows.”

This looks soooo good!

“There’s a fine line between city planning and arson.”

It’s fascinating to me that there can be a thunderstorm at very nearly the exact same time every day.

“Nothing happened! I don’t know how she did it, but she did ‘nothing’ weirdly.”

Who the hell is Ariana Grande?

Sooooo what you’re saying is that my Facebook posts are age appropriate?

Oh my God, Jim Butcher. Write more Dresden now! Seriously. Best series ever written. Ever. E.VER.

Dear Lord, that might be the single worst commercial I have ever seen in my life.

The only time we see commercials on television is when we’re visiting people.

I don’t actually care about the woman and her Old Navy tank top. I don’t care about the girl and her mother. If you want the world to stop putting so much emphasis on weight and beauty standards, stop bloody contributing to the noise.

I do not believe vaccines should be mandatory, but I do believe that you should have some liability for your actions. That woman did not have to die.

OH MY GOD, somebody who crochets needs to make this for me.

I’ve always wondered what my head would look like bald. I have an oddly shaped skull. Well. It feels odd.

“I bet your whole Goddamn property is whimsical!”

I want the couple on the bridge please.

“Your bag is filled to the brim with despair and misery.”
“Of course it is, it’s my bag.”

el oh el These remind me of stories my uncle tells about working for the airlines.

Who takes a nap in the handicap stall?

lurking in silence

Oooooh! If I actually spoke to other humans, I’d super want this.

I love skirts so much.

Just eat the waffles before you starve to death.

Yesssssss!

Don’t you start. I’m not looking for validation. It was what my brain said after it saw a billboard.

I don’t think alligators make much noise.

It’s altogether too quiet in here, which can only mean one thing …

I’ma be in a boat, down on the river.