I wonder why they never use your name, even when they know who you are.

I could really go for a nap.

I guess not as long as they’re free.

She’s actually Kali. Which would explain a lot.

I miss the X Files of yore, when the whole federal government was suspect and not to be trusted instead of today’s “let’s just beat everyone over the head until they’re senseless with our anti-Trump message.” I mean it’s just so boorish. Juvenile. Pedestrian. Obvious. At the very least, Chris Carter, you could be subtle. I mean we all know you’re capable of subtlety.

And I’m not even pro-Trump.

You’re weirding me out.

I hate you, copier. I hate you.

I wish that took longer to do, actually.

I think Larry Nassar should be brutally tortured every single one of his remaining days, but that judge crossed a very important line with her commentary, and instead of calling her a hero, people ought to be a little concerned about how she handled herself during that sentencing.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the people shouting that the future is female are the same people who insist that gender is fluid and non-binary?

Farewell, Tiny Letter. It could have been awesome.

No really. It works. I’m not just messing with you.

I do actually know how to do that.

Jesus Christ

I should do a Good Death podcast.

If I were the kind of person to podcast.

That is hilarious and I am sorry it did not happen to me.

I’m sorry, but I actually played a pretty crucial role in this whole thing too. But yeah, don’t give me any credit.

OMG this has to have been a joke.

Sometimes hearing someone say “you matter” just doesn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference.

I will give you six dollars and my eternal gratitude and friendship.

If I took a Random hiatus to work on a book, would you buy it?

Bringing back memento mori photography, with a modern eye. I feel really good about this.

Just because I’m here right now doesn’t mean I’m on the clock. Leave me alone.

The Mitten is too cloudy for that sort of thing. I can live with that.

ILU Flonase.

I wonder how feasible it would be to get a funeral director’s license at this stage.

Oh. I’d have to get a whole ‘nother bachelor’s.

I’m not really excited about doing embalming anyway.

I can’t help it if I’m feeling particularly bitter this week.

Don’t let anybody steal it!

Our “neighborhood” is hilarious.

Now we definitely need a pig.

Never mind about Random. Or the book. I think I’ll just quit this whole thing.

Sudden blessed quiet. Did the apocalypse happen to everyone in here but me?

Roman candles thingies.

I do love a good dinner roll.

The Winchesters sure are able to find. Wait. I said this before. I think.

This roast beast is actually quite good for a frozen lunch.

Can you like music if you don’t have a soul? I do not think that you can.

I feel like I’ve said that before too.

This calls for a bath in alcohol gel.

Aneurysm is my spelling kryptonite.

See, when you give in to this kind of nonsense, the lunatic fringe wins. Jesus.

I’m sorry, chickens. I’m feeling less bitter now. But still thinking about hanging this up.

You can’t list fries as a bullet point. It’s a side dish.

The pig saga might be my favorite thing about 2018. And that is a fact.

I’m pretty sure you can be arrested for that.

It’s a sinking ship, and I have a feeling I’ma be the only one left on the deck on account of everyone else took the life preservers.

I need to find a home for this calendar.

Anyone want to read along?

I guess I could eat.

I should probably wash my hair.

What are they doing to our sign? Is it supposed to light up? I’ve never seen it in the dark. In the dark. In the dark. (And that, chickens, is an actual real time stream of consciousness glimpse inside my brain.)

Oops.

I don’t know. I think there’s something about me that generally just

The faces on these ridiculously spendy apostles look like the faces in these family photos.

Crap. I need to clean out the closets.

Also I need to clean out the garage once and for all. Dammit. As soon as April gets here I’m cleaning out the garage.

What? Have you been to the Mitten in January? Not exactly garage cleaning weather.

This person has spelled declaration three different ways in this email.

I completely ran out of steam.

Well I don’t keep those things.

Don’t you mean anti-federalists?

Look, if it’s not on your calendar, I can’t schedule around it.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy is it so bright in here all the damn time?

I don’t know when, I don’t know if

I really could have used a longer nap.

Oooooh I’ve been unfriended. I wonder who it was. That hasn’t happened in a while.

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna finally figure out this whole sewing thing. I really want those two dresses, and the only way I’m gonna get them is to make them. If I can knit, I can sew. Dammit.

They say “What’s that supposed to mean?” an awful lot on Supernatural.

Aaaaand this is why I’m fat.

Does every post you make have to be filled with sarcastic dickery? Really? You’re not actually smarter than everyone. I know you might like to think you are. But you’re not.

shhhhhh!

No, really, I’m seriously asking. Is it even possible for you to stop talking?

Ack! No. A friend posted this because she loved it and I looked and it made me so tense. I just want to yell “Clean up those messes!!!!” How funny. I love being reminded how differently art affects people.

Wow, that’s the first time all year that I’ve typed 2017 instead of 2018. Not bad.

There is an astonishingly convenient prevalence of unpaved crossroads available to the Winchesters.

out of place

mise en place

Such a devastating disease. These photographs are so beautiful.

Aww!

I can’t help it if you don’t like me. It’s not really my problem.

me. anywhere.

I will make the request, but I make no promises.

It’s official. I need a third monitor.

I improved it a little.

Fuck it. I quit. I quit everything. I’m defeated. 100%. You win.

Ha. This came up in my FB memories: Apparently my “How to Be a Girl” manual was missing the chapters on “How to See Everything as Sexual Harassment” and “How to Be a Perpetual Victim and Call It Feminism.”

Radio Racquetball

This is exhausting.

I haven’t listened to Tori Amos in a very very long time.

These carrots aren’t quite mushy enough.

Like just GTFO me while I’m trying to cook. This is hilarious.

I need a dog. Probably.

Possibly.

Probably.

I typed that as ransom instead of random. I guess I could hold this post ransom. I don’t think anyone would pay for it though.

I think this is my favorite thing on the internet so far this year. Does the left ever stop consuming itself?

She’s so out of touch with reality. It’s kind of astonishing.

Man. I really wish that position wasn’t two steps down the ladder. It sounds awesome.

Anyone want to pay for me to get my MLS? That’s what I really want to do.

Can I just pay someone to make these two dresses for me?

Wow. That was rude.

I was into Tarantino for a minute, but honestly, he just doesn’t do it for me.

Tide Pod challenge?? I suppose that’s one way to cleanse …

We checked out Electric Dreams, despite my aversion to Anna Paquin. I don’t know. Meh.

Wow, these cookies softened right up over night. Perfection.

So much of my site is broken still from the crash. It might be better just to delete those posts. Oooooooooor find the time to fix them all. SIGH.

I’d be an outstanding social studies teacher. Actually.

You are startin’ to get on my nerves, kid.

I remember going to see the Dark Crystal in the movie theatre in the next town over when I was a kid. It was a super stormy day. I was at my grandpa’s house because I think he must have been the one taking us. It must have been me and Ali. The paper boy got struck by lightning.

Kinda makes you wish

help please. need help. kind of desperate. help help. help.

Here’s your resolution.

They send out all the missile warnings in error so that when a missile is actually incoming, we ignore it. Then we get wiped out. Population control. That’s the point.

Shut up, I am not a conspiracy theorist. It makes total sense.

Oh duh. I totally forgot about the entire episode about the antichrist. Sheesh. They should bring that kid back.

You don’t actually have to be a bitch about it. Really. I know that’s hard to believe.

Great. JUST when I get my head around the NOT SPENDING, you have to go ahead and send me this website. Thanks a LOT. I’m reasonably certain I need that 9 to 5 one. The whole outfit, actually. I have a birthday coming up.

I’d like it if FB stopped notifying me about all of your fundraisers.

The more I think about this teaching deal, the more appealing it sounds.

If this week is short you can say it’s OK because last week was so extra long.

I haven’t traveled anywhere in a long time. I feel like I need to travel somewhere.

Oh let me just get that for you.

I can’t tell if this stuff is even doing what it’s supposed to be doing or not.

This is fantastic. I love it.

stop talking stop talking stop talking

Oh, don’t mind me. I work for the State Department.

What a weird title for something. “State Department.” Just seems strange to me.

Ooph. Too many cookies.

I don’t even understand LinkedIn. At all. It’s as mysterious to me now as Twitter has become.

I’ll bake you cakes. (You can trade them for favors.)

I like this pepperminty lotion, Mrs. Meyers.

Yep. I see how I rate.

I only have two subscribers, so I’m thinking of scrapping this. Last chance to sign up, I guess.

Oh, each episode is stand alone. Yeah, I don’t know about that either. I kind of prefer a serial.

Goals I didn’t know I had.

Ellen Pompeo has that plastic surgery squint.

Huh. I do not remember liking that page.

Go away, cookie. Go away now.

Dear God why.

That job sounds kind of awesome. Too bad it’s two pay grades below mine.

I hate it when I clean my desk and dust it and wipe it down and then it takes me a full day to get my keyboard and mouse back to where they’re comfortable again.

So I’m thinking W’s Girl Scout troop is officially dead. I’ma miss those cookies.

I’m just going to interoffice these damn things since I can’t seem to remember to bring them to coffee with me.

And by coffee I mean caramel apple cider until Biggby cuts me off.

Huh. I was expecting something dirtier I guess.

Well just give it a minute. Sheesh.

Digitize it!

Your horrible horrible cheap perfume alone is enough of a reason for me to be looking for a new place to work. God.

Whenever I see Menominee anywhere that Sesame Street song starts going through my head.

Read present tense.

That is some kinda fucked up.

“The medium is not always the message.”

Nice try, kid.

You thought it was a breakup letter, didn’t you?

What’s the name of that place we went with all the Norwegians and the unbelievable bakery?

The answer is NO.

I love you, Twix.

Stop telling me what to do, liberals. Stop. Staaaaaaahp. Why are you so bossy? You are not the boss of me.

Pretty sure this is what TAs are for …

I guess no one wants a letter from me then?

This is why I can’t deal with women. If you’re not of the hive mind, you must be destroyed.

But. But. But I NEED cookies.

Yes, Death Cafe. Sign me up.

Death positive, baby.

Go get yo food, bitch.

Life is too short to read books that do nothing for you.

THE PUMPKIN KING IS DOON.

Who knocked the Pumpkin King over, people? Heads. Will. Roll.

Yeah, no. No President Oprah, but good try.

Son of a motherless goat.

Just get the chicken one then.

Where are we going?

Shop your Instagram? Sweetie, no one who reads your blog can afford those prices.

I just don’t even know what to say about this.

I do not know.

I can’t review that book. I can’t even seem to finish it. In fact, I completely forgot I was reading it.

I have no idea how I got this email, but it turned out to be an interesting read.

I’m dealing with the PDFs, OK???

I remembered to bring them to coffee with me!

Oops. Blood sugar crash. Nothing worse than missing your protein window.

Everything seems warmer than it is because we got used to it being minus eleventy degrees.

And there’s the nail in the coffin of my love for Jason Isaacs. Sigh. Hypocritical asshole, just like all the others.

Come on, it’s not like I’m even a Trump family cheerleader. I just think this shit is messed up. Are you standing up for women or not? Right. You’re not.

Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t love her on Broadchurch, not sure I’ll love her as the Doctor. Not sure I’m really interested in a female Doctor anyway.

It would be nice if you could just go ahead and get back to me please and thank you.

Nothing like hanging around where you’re not appreciated.

I’ll be announcing my own cryptocurrency later today.

Wow, I just got lost in Twitter for a minute. I don’t even understand that place any more.

I love my new coat.

I’m so rolling my eyes at you.

Oh. I guess you were talking about the county.

Do you ever stop talking?

Good job. Good job.

Watching Sam Winchester do the whole demon blood junkie thing grosses me the hell out.

I typed bomb instead of Bob. Seems legit.

First of all, everybody knows you can have more than one best friend. Second of all, good luck with that.

I’ve never really been an Oprah fan anyway, to be honest.

… I half expect to find out that this is going to be happening on campus every time I come to work. I’m not really joking.

Don’t get too hung up on that rule.

I can’t write that many things.

Maybe I should try Harney & Sons.

Bleah.

Well that’s good news. But it doesn’t matter.

I threw it on the ground.

I hope you don’t think I’m picking up that slack. Cos I’m not.

I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything.

I’m not at all sure to whom he is referring, actually.

Oh wait, no. I do know. I wish I could make an eyeroll face here. Cos he’s kind of wacko.

Oooooh! And the first book looks really good, too.

Wow, you’re really set on that one, aren’t you? Sheesh.

Every single person who has said anything about resolutions has said “I don’t do resolutions, but I love the idea of intentions, so I’m doing intentions.” Just seems like basically you’re giving yourself an excuse to fail from the start. No?

You know, it’s funny, because I had intended to be not bitchy today. And already I have failed. See above.

I have no intentions. I have no resolutions. I do have a strong hankering for some caffeine.

Huh. I don’t remember City Tweed being that spendy. Oh that’s City Tweed Aran. Never mind.

I don’t know why I’m looking. The last thing I need right now is more yarn.

Trapped. Forever.

AGAIN

Um. Proprietary means something very different than propriety, lady.

Me: I’m not going to spend any money!
Universe: Midnight deer print swing dress. With pocketses.

There are about eleventy dresses on that site that I want. And all so reasonably priced! Dammit!

I was thinking about taking a class. For about 5 minutes. Then I came to my senses.

Oregonians whining about having to pump their own gas. I want to laugh, but I’m sort of baffled at the reaction.

When I was in high school we still had a few gas stations that had pump attendants. My friend Mike was one. Those stations charged extra for the service. I don’t remember when they all went by the wayside, but they were rare even then.

Wait. Easter is on April Fool’s Day this year? That’s so weird.

I could really use some lunch.

I don’t have much to say today.

Oh, that’s why it’s getting so cold in here. I turned the space heater off.

Actually, I could totally go for some bar nachos right now.

I did not win free boots for a year. Sadness.

I really need to read that book.

I really hope the DNR calls.

They probably won’t.

Seems like a thank you would have been appropriate. Dick.

I need to remember to put these postcards in the box.

We should not all work really hard to be outgoing, actually.

I don’t know who these Chip and Joanna people are, but whatever.

God I can’t stand Wil Wheaton.

I have so little energy these days, I can’t think of a single reason why I should waste any of it on you.

Well. Not YOU, chickens.

That doesn’t sound like something Socrates would say.

Never mind you, Mpix. You’re too spendy.

Seriously, how is it possible for my hair to look this bad?

I honestly can’t tell the difference.

are you there yet? are you there yet? are you there yet?

I wish I had some garden herb Triscuits.

Better than roasting I suppose.

Why is everything all “having a moment” all of a sudden? Where did that phrase come from?

What an odd meeting time.

What’s with all the plane crash documentaries lately?

beep boop. beep.

How is 2017 the first time we’ve ever heard of this Jolabokaflod?

Huh. I thought I withdrew from that program.

I need to wash my hair.

I’m such an ogre. Clearly.

I don’t think I want to work in the president’s office, thanks.

I only don’t know how to do it because I haven’t done it yet.

I don’t know. I guess it’s sort of like “goth cowgirl” or something.

EAT THE COOKIES!!!!

I don’t really want to listen to you all eating.

Well, that was a surprise.

Not everything needs your “witty” commentary attached to it.

It’s a wonderful life, Dean Winchester.

I’ve never actually made a formal request for five grand before.

mmmmmmm Mexicanish mmmmmmmm

Couldn’t we just skip the whole buffet breakfast that you’ll have ordered too much of and will make me clean up? No one wants it.

I think your agenda fetish is weird.

Apply for all the jobs!

The potatoes were good though.

Wow that’s … generic.

Ack! More weird new Instagram updates.

Hey, you should check out Patriot on Amazon. Brilliant.

I didn’t talk much. I bet that will be demerits or something in my next one on one. grr

OK. I guess. I don’t know.

Bikinis fine I don’t care
again he’s fine I don’t care
but Kenny is fine I don’t care

I feel like I should finish Lonesome Dove, but man.

I actually love all of these ideas. (Although I think the charity one could be tricky.)

Oops. I guess that’s not the correct answer.

I don’t miss the Expedition, but I do sometimes miss the roominess.

Yeah, that sounds awful. What a monster.

That might be kind of cool.

I’ve been neglectful.

I wish I had a cider. Maybe I can make a Biggby run.

Probably not. SIGH.

I still have a couple of hours.

HOURS.

It’s professional development or something.

I dunno. I like wolves.

That’s five now.

This is kind of awesome.

It’s like time just STOPS. Of course time never stops when you want it to.

Never.

I’m not sure that this book will actually help me be a better supervisor.

I just think if you’re going to buy someone a meal, you don’t make them clean it up afterward. That’s just weird.

That’s a good one for the calendar.

Are you wearing extra of your stinky awful perfume today? I should not be able to smell you in my cube. I should not be able to taste your perfume, period. God. It’s so awful.

So. Awful.

That might be a cool job.

The smoke pooling out of the boot was a nice touch.

Maybe I should watch The Ref.

Can I watch The Ref anymore? With all the Kevin Spacey grossness can I even watch that movie?

JESUS AFTER DINNER I SAID.

Why does my hand hurt?

How far is it to Peoria?

This is the first I’m hearing about a Bronco trophy.

We should move to a haunted mansion and make it a tourist attraction. “Come sleep in the haunted mansion!”

I’m totally gonna be a ghost and haunt people after I die.

It’d be a little weird if I did it before I died.

Probably.