The original, accept no substitutes. Now with more secret ingredient.

Stupid mortgage company. If I could, I’d totally put a hex on you.

I don’t understand that whole “cougar” thing. I like my men like I like my Scotch. At least 10 years older than me and strong enough to knock a hippie across the room.

As long as you don’t start whistling I think I can let you live.

Oh good, another donut-less meeting. There will be pickle talk. I hate the effing pickles.

No, I did not actually mean to print that, thank you.

I have no idea what that means.

Maybe they won’t notice if I just stay at my desk and worker bee through this meeting. Maybe.

Fahrvergnügen

Well that’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.

Half an hour on “wellness”. Really? That’s an effective use of our time? Like they’re recruiting for a freaking cult. Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!

Death of Spiderman, eh? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he’s back.

I’m going to take a moment and think about the size of my upcoming paycheck. It’s a good homicide deterrent.

In an effort to drink less Diet Coke I have now consumed entirely too much tea this morning. Oy.

Oooh! Dizzy.

I cannot get my glasses clean enough.

Cheez It!

Exactly how many confirmation phone calls do we need to do?

I like cheese. Normal people cheese.

Your break is over, go do something.

I swear I will only listen to this song one more time.

Wow. So very tired of fixing your mistakes.

Heya Honey!

Generally there’s a reason for unequal pay. It’s called some people do more shit than you, so stop whining.

I cannot stop yawning.

Maybe it’s a stress fracture.

Lasik. That’d be cool. Stupid glasses.

I don’t like candy corn.

So so very very tired.

Jerkface.

I might be wrong here, but I think it’s safe to say that your state of legal residence is not, in fact, Saginaw County.

You know, you saying “Welcome to Michigan” every single time someone talks about the weather isn’t nearly as clever or funny as you think it is.

First Diet Coke of the day. 2:55pm. I should get a reward or something.

It’s probably a good thing that I can’t actually kill you with my brain.

Dozey catnaps on breaks. Getting harder to get back to work.

Hell’s Bells! Wish I could drive over for this tomorrow! Good times.

On second thought, it might be safer where I am …

Oh Paul Ryan. I love you, you’re awesome, but that hair.

I don’t think I’d want to be a tree, actually.

Unlike some, I am not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. Luckily, I am rarely wrong.

We can’t all be cranky at the same time. Let me know when you’re done.

I am disappointed with this season of Bones so far. Which makes me sad. Everything seems awkward and over eager. Booth’s girlfriend sucks.

I hate it when Miss W is sick.

I would like to lose this headache now please. Overtime is bad enough without it.

overtime overtime overtime overtime overtime

#salt

I’m sorry, have you looked at yourself in the mirror ever? Really shouldn’t be criticizing other people’s fashion choices, honey. #bclc

Oooouch. Sudden jaw pain. Yay.

If you don’t want us to make a decision based on your current gpa, don’t apply until you bring it up.

Teeth and claws.

Thank you, @echo4H for the Gregory Alan Isakov tip. Love love love.

Stupid meeting. At least this one doesn’t involve pickles.

If the EPA is so concerned about the effect of light bulbs on the environment, why aren’t they fighting to make LEDs a household mandate? They last longer and are infinitely safer than CFLs and are ridiculously more energy efficient. Further proof that they are only concerned with power – their own.

Seriously, aren’t you supposed to be wearing a burqa?

Why aren’t there ever any donuts at these meetings? You’d think Mrs POTUS was running things. Or some cheese danish. I could really go for some cheese danish right now.

So tired. So very very tired.

I’m really starting to loathe calculating GPAs. Wait, starting? Maybe the intensity of my loathing is merely increasing.

I just don’t think that work is the appropriate place for your religion. Unless you work in a church …

I’d have to disagree. I do not think it is nice to see her.

Do I need a coat? Probably not. Diet Coke run or die.

I’m still bummed about last week’s Random. I had all kinds of good stuff about the election results.

Well that doesn’t clarify anything.

Ooooh! My dress shipped.

Ah-ha! I was right!

If you can listen to If I Go, I’m Goin, do it. There’s no YouTube for it, sadly.

Every time I touch a door in this building lately, I get shocked. Fun.

Wow. There are some things in this world I just don’t want to understand.

I wish the hipsters would stay the frig away from photography. Actually, I wish they’d stay away from most things.

Ugh. Why did I say I’d host Thanksgiving this year? Oh right. Because I love my grandma.

No, really, that is something that never “needs” to happen. Really.

I think that nose whistle might just be the thing that puts me over the edge. JUST BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY! For the love of all things holy. DO IT. Do it now!

make it stop make it stop make it stop

If I blink for too long I will fall asleep. And probably snore.

ooooh Why yes, I should eat a few of those M&Ms, shouldn’t I? That blue one’s mutated. Those ones always taste funny.

If so many people have ADD or ADHD, perhaps it doesn’t actually exist. OR. Maybe those of us who don’t have it are the ones with the affliction and the ADD/HD people are actually normal. Because really? 6 out of 10 kids claiming to have ADD. Kind of absurd.

Diet Coke run #2 before I hurt someone.

Diet Coke fail. Also there is apparently a hole in the elbow of my sweater. Poor little cardigan.

Dear students, you are in MI now. Stop throwing your soda bottles in the recycling bin. They’re worth money.

I don’t like it when Fall smells like Spring. I don’t like my seasons to smell like each other. It confuses my tired tired brain.

I have no memory of why I have this post it with this number written on it.

ok. Maybe I’m a teeny tiny bit evil. Just. You know. A little bit. Just. This much. |-|

But you love it.