I could not possibly have heard that correctly.

The dinosaurs are starting to arrive.

Here’s to not sucking.

Wow. What a monumentally shitty day.

STOP COMING IN MY CUBE STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

Absolutely no fucking respect whatsoever. None.

Look, there is a sign on the printer in big red letters that says OUT OF ORDER. If you still try to print to it thereby using and losing your print credits, that’s on you. I can’t help you when you do foolish things.

This paper is soooooooooooooooooo dry. Like I’ll get into a really great paragraph and then BOOM. You lose me. Stop saying epistemological.

I’ve been using this mousepad for nearly twenty years. I suddenly feel like I should wash it.

People keep posting hot cocoa memes. Hot cocoa is a winter drink. Hot cider is a fall drink. You people have it all wrong.

I thought that said “human function.” It did not.

It’s not “her and me.” It’s never “her and me.” It’s SHE and I. Jesus.

OMGCARAMELAPPLECIDERSEASONATBIGGBYISUPONUSYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

H.E.A.V.E.N.

My knits have spiraled out of control. I need some serious organization and assessment of project status. It’s nuts. Like seriously nuts.

OK, but you’ve listed my name backwards.

I have nothing but respect for anyone willing to work. And I’m sick to death of people being treated as less than because elites think that their jobs are worth less. I get looked down on all the time by faculty and administrators because I’m viewed as an overpaid secretary. Forget my above average IQ, my BA, my demonstrated intelligence, and on and on. I’m judged by my job title. Screw the elites. Leave people the fuck alone.

Whelp. Guess I won’t be wearing Levi’s anytime soon.

OMFG Awesome. Tell me again how smart PhDs are?  ARRRRRRRGH

Yeah no.

I read that as “arrested or reincarnated.”

IAMSOFRUSTRATED

OMG I’m so hot. This office is never comfortable. Never.

ouch mouse

I have never seen You’ve Got Mail and I’m completely OK with that.

I think I need a break.

What. It’s National Pizza Day?!?!?

Aloha Chicken should never be a pizza choice. Ever.

I’m stalled until one of these mfers decides to participate.

Who doesn’t save a copy of their work??

I hate the morning DJ on First Wave. His name is stupid and he pronounces it weird. Like Laahree instead of Lairee. Actually sometimes it sounds like Laahrleduck. Evidently it’s Larry the Duck. Which is a dumb name. This morning he played 99 Luftballons and then asked if anyone had ever heard the English version. Dude. Who the fuck hasn’t heard the English version??

You know what never gets old? You taking your mood out on me.

And now I’m freezing. Awesome.

This place is eating away at my soul.

Should we have tacos for dinner?

I’m hilarious.

I don’t give a shit about Nike or that idiot athlete, but the new memes are cracking me up.

I don’t know who you are, but I need to lock this door now.

I’ll be better company next week. I promise.

no really.

We did donuts in the parking lot of Ted Bundy’s high school.

I hate you new Gmail.

They said I was on the membership list. I’m not on the membership list.

S:?EGLHS:OIBNB”oIHSE’PRH “PEngb”SpboSOirgNWEOTINAW:OibS”BOin (this is my frustration speaking)

Why no, that is not my job, but I’ll be doing it anyway.

How many times have you looked at the job postings today, Jennifer?

I ask you, how is it even possible for anything short of a 20 man crew to steal $100,000 worth of ramen?? That’s roughly 400,000 packages of noodles. Who needs that much ramen??

Talk about yer oodles o noodles.

I just wish I could understand the WHY of so very many things.

Man. Watching Poldark. People are treacherous. Scheming and backstabbing and lying. Good grief. Must be bloody exhausting.

There is something in my eye and it really hurts.

You just really don’t understand the concept of standing outside the cube and knocking, do you? Not even a little.

I’m thinking of just changing my name to Hen because I mistype Jen so freaking regularly.

This is my current favorite playlist.

I find that sort of disturbing.

Yay pizza! I love you guys.

Not a good way to start my day, random stranger student person.

What is the deal with this piano lately?

Give me your money, please.

Shit. It’s already so late. Stupid first day of the semester. It’s been NUTS.

Um. Why is my kid’s head bleeding?????

OK, everything is fine. No stitches required. All is well.

OOph.

Oh good. It’s that time of year where every RSO on campus begs me for space in my building.

No.

Holy shit, the onslaught just does not stop. HOW IS TODAY NOT OVER YET???

I don’t know that I would refer to abortion as “self care” EVER.

Christ I could use a cup of tea.

my aim is true

I knew as soon as I spent money on this lost ID situation the damn thing would turn up. I was not wrong.

Well this is just going to have to post late. That’s all there is to it.

So. Much. Reading.

ACK!

OMG that is riDICulous.

Gotta wrap these photos up.

WRAP IT UP!

Is it going to rain again? Who can say?

I don’t know where the Wyandottes are.

WordPress thinks I mean antidotes. I do not.

I should just give photography up entirely.

That is not your nose.

burger burger burger

monster

No. Really. Stop doing that. I’m so serious.

I need some mirrorless in my life.

I’ve been writing this letter for three fucking months. Longer. I don’t even know. This letter is older than I am.

What would you have done with the leftover cats?

I just read this sentence and almost peed my pants laughing: “Hollywood continues to be a deeply conservative place where coming out doesn’t feel like an option.”

I’m not expecting a thank you card, but a simple “hey thanks for that really thoughtful thing you did” in passing is common fucking courtesy.

Why would you ever put a comma there? In what universe does that make sense?

Listen. Just because there’s caramel involved does not mean you are morally obligated to add “sea salt” to it. First of all, salt is salt. Secondly, not everyone is a fan.

Too much goddamn estrogen in this office. Which means there is also too much goddamn perfume in this office. I am probably suffocating right now.

Stop putting an apostrophe in Nachos Deluxe. I beg of you.

Your perfume smells like Lysol. It’s awful.

Well there go my lunch plans. Dammit.

It’s like a script she’s memorized. She just jumps from person to person repeating it.

No one knows that that’s a picture of Murray Rothbard. And it makes me so happy to have hidden it in plain sight.

I probably needed more deodorant this morning.

Even so, I still smell better than your perfume.

I quite often wish I still smoked.

I don’t know. On the one hand you think, “How could you not know your husband was a serial killer?” But on the other hand, most people are purposely obtuse, particularly when they choose to spend their lives with sociopaths.

I’m probably taking it too personally, but when you know something is my job, I find it a teensy bit insulting when people say “are you able to” do something. It’s offensive, really. Obviously I’m bloody well able.

Just don’t come back dead and it’ll be all good.

Well I’d like to visit those places, but my life won’t be ruined if I don’t.

I’m digging this fella quite a bit.

So … you and your perfume are just here all day then are ya?

There are a handful of people to whom I speak very formally in electronic communication.

You know what sucks? Selling your house.

But. I don’t need to buy eggs.

Man my head hurts today.

so. much. dumb.

It’s a lot of shoes.

Everyday is Halloween.

money! gimme some money!

bleah

Or I could just buy some skulls.

Ahhhhh. There it is. The My Favorite Murder fandom has begun to feast on the flesh of the podcast hosts. It was only a matter of time, really.

Please. Just don’t be in a foul mood.

Awesome. Because changing our passwords every 6 months wasn’t torture enough. No. Now we have to use two factor authentication for our database login. Fucking yay.

Why would I want the Nancy Grace book? That woman is AWFUL.

I wish I had a chocolate chip scone right now.

Doing anything publicly is inherently dangerous these days. There’s a mob around every corner, just waiting to devour you.

‘There’s a hole in the world. Seems like we ought to have known.’

I gotta get some new photos uploaded. Quit recycling these old ones.They are some of my favorites though.

Who even is that guy?

i would change for you

It’s true. I’ve pretty much abandoned all hope. It’s OK. I’m getting used to it.

Maybe the ACLU should think about a name change, some rebranding … (It’s funny cos I typed that name change comment before I’d even reached the end of the article. Looks like Reason has the same idea.)

I regret that purchase. Immensely.

Gah those ears. Maybe fighting is the wrong career move.

Well, she dropped a pebble in the outrage pool. It’s only a matter of time now.

I’ve processed my Gaiman grief and am moving on with my life.

Nice alliteration, jackass.

I guess if you’re gonna jump out of your car to dance for a video like a moron, you sort of have those injuries coming. Because you’re a moron.

but babe that doesn’t mean

I am having trouble figuring out how to talk to a human.

Can’t I just wave a magic wand or something?

I thought that said “Certified Fight Trainer.” It did not.

I’ll probably never be described as “beloved.”

Yes, it really has been that long since I had a pedicure.

I still don’t like avocados.

I love this woman so much.

Chick-fil-A has been here for what, two years now? And I’ve somehow only managed to eat there one time. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Look, it’s right on my end.

But I don’t have a coroner’s note.

It’s funny cos it’s true.

WTAF

Oooooh Premium Class! Heeeeyy!

No. No, I am not.

i’m gonna be a better man

Well, that was nearly painless right up until the end.

Nothing like an English major that can’t spell.

By the time I realized I hadn’t posted it was nearly midnight.

I’M SO SORRY

oh oooh oh oh I am SO SORRY NOW

First Wave plays WAY too much Smiths. And U2.

I feel like if I had company more often, my house would be cleaner more. But then I’d have to deal with people more. It’s a trade off, I suppose. I can live with the mess of my people. To a point.

How is The Lost Boys 30 years old? Jesus. How am I that old?

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

OK, signing off. Fair week+ chaos ensues.

Also, sorry this was a shorter one. I had a stupid 5 hour staff meeting Wednesday.

Don’t hate me if I don’t post next week. It’s the busiest week of the year.

I think 6 credits might be a bit much.

Just because I know where it is doesn’t mean I have  any intention of sharing that information with you.

Maybe she doesn’t want me to test knit for her any more.

Well, that was weird.

That’s never happened before. You make a donation through GoFundMe and they fucking charge the donator for it and call it a tip? Screw you, GoFundMe.

I should just switch to boxer briefs.

I think saying “most women” is a dangerous exaggeration.

Yeah, but where you gonna get cloudberries?

Might be fun. Might be weird. I do not know.

This guy sounds like a self righteous, virtue signalling douche, but it’s his company and he can do what he wants. People don’t have to work there. Marion Nestle will be my college’s keynote speaker at our lecture series this fall, coincidentally.

You can’t take my meat from me!

“It is therefore unfair and inaccurate to point a finger at Flint and repeatedly use the word poisoned.” All it does is terrify the parents and community members here who truly believe there may be a generation lost” in this city, when there is no scientific evidence to support this conclusion.”

Finally made it through The Staircase. I hate all of those people. And obviously he murdered his wife.

I really should have made those notes in a different notebook. Dammit.

I need to just accept the sad sad fact that I will be stuck in this job until I die. I wonder how many more deans I’ll have to get used to before that happens.

I’m just happy Matt Berninger finally came to his senses about his stupid hair.

I never even finished the last Doctor Who series. I seriously doubt I’ll be tuning in for the chick.

So it’s not plausible to take actual quotes and pair them with stock photos? It happens all the time. It’s called advertising.

Evidently, I have lost readers. And here I thought adding new features would keep people interested.

It is just not really my thing.

Well great. Now I feel like a fat loser instead of just a loser. Yay.

I thought that said “bitch-perfect.” It did not.

No one is ever going to guess a password I used six fucking years ago. Frankly, I’d be shocked and flabbergasted if they guessed a password I used last week. JAYSUS.

They used to call me the Queen of Ektar. Now I am a woman without a realm.

The book was better is true of just about everything except anything written by Stephen King.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.

Who’s call is it then?

Blah blah blah, yeah, we get it.

I don’t like you right now, pal.

Maybe he’s just a serial killer.

I am clearly that kind of grandma.

Yeah, I’ve never been wild.

Do you think they meant to call them sandwinches?

FINALLY. My favorite Triscuits are back in stock!

That is some seriously shady shit.

But bitch-perfect should totally be a thing, right? It’s pretty fantastic.

Fantaxic.

That Libertarian candidate for governor in the Mitten REALLY should have had someone proof their websites. Good Lord. It’s embarrassing. I think I like the other guy better anyway. Although the other guy’s website is rife with double spaces after periods. Kind of appalling.

Confirm humanity. Ha. Look, checking that box can confirm someone is human, but I’m not sure it can legitimately confirm their humanity.

“Improve and expand surveillance systems.” … Is that really the language we should be using?

This may be my first ever no vote on the library millage.

I really don’t like John Lithgow.

Great. Now it’s stuck in my head.

As soon as I put this Triscuit in my mouth the phone will ring.

See? Told you.

I just want Cuban pulled pork for every meal.

I love Jeff Goldblum as much as the next girl, but I’m not running out and getting him tattooed on my person.

Wow, you really didn’t have anyone proof your CV before you put it out in the world, didja?

the day i die, the day i die

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m supposed to be doing …

I tried, but I just couldn’t be so blatant about it.

ew

I’m having a hard time feeling at all excited about this prospect. This is a treacherous sea of venomous sharks.

I read that as “my latest mistakes.”

oh shit

Maybe. But I bet Robert Smith is happier than Morrissey.

Oh no. No thank you. Nope. Hard pass.

I wonder if I could learn to like football. Oh wait. Didn’t I just say you shouldn’t have to “learn” to like shit? Yes. Yes, I did.

It’s probably fungus.

“An assault revolver with high-capacity magazines and a revolver were recovered at the scene.” That sentence makes literally no sense whatsoever.

Yeah, ya know, I’d like very much to care, but I just don’t.

I’m reasonably certain that your writing tip is written grammatically incorrect.

I don’t have an orange.

I can’t explain it. Any other.

Shit. I keep losing track of what day it is. All the time.

I really think I should be designing.

I just. I can’t pull the trigger on that one. I keep attempting to, and I can’t do it.

Is there a “personal” object that says “my heritage is a long line of people who are uncomfortable sharing personal shit with coworkers because it’s nobody’s business and if you press me on this I will cut you?”

The surest way to make me want to separate even more from the TEAM.

I mean Jesus. Why do people think that shit is a good idea?

I feel like my entire vocabulary is comprised of the fuck word today. Including punctuation.

just kidding

Is it time for lunch yet? I really need to GTFOH.

I need a t shirt that says GTFOH.

Now I have Aimee Mann stuck in my head.

Yeah, that Queen movie actually looks like it might be pretty good.

Maybe if it were mine I’d feel differently. But it isn’t. And I don’t.

We’re still not past this bacon trend? Where we put bacon on all the things? That’s unfortunate.

I haven’t had a donut in ages. A.G.E.S.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yeah, no. That is literally not my job.

Neither hide nor hair.

I just do not understand those people.

Yeah, OK. Let’s just shut the door on this then.

Where is my lens cloth?

That’s better. Ish

Actually. I’d prefer it if you didn’t vote. Just stay home. You’ve caused enough damage.

I mean. Don’t you think?

I’m on a shutter drag kick. You know how I love my long exposures.

Is there something wrong with your typing fingers that is keeping you from responding to my email?

I don’t need your stupid rules.

Stop “forcing bots” to watch things. This is how we get Skynet.

Dear in the lord. That’s a new spam header.

I still love you, only slightly only slightly less, than I used to.

How did those kids get in that cave in the first place?

A stay at home bee mom. OK.

I’m absolutely positive I am not the right person for that job.

Well. That was the most unpopular three women shot in a while. Bummer.

I’m not even leaving for a month and I already have travel anxiety and packing anxiety. WTF. This is not how I pictured getting older.

about today

I don’t think you really understand what that word means.

I want to do a swap box. I love swap boxes. I’d do fiber share, but those ladies spend way more money than I can afford on a swap.

Can’t see half the world all of the time. Doesn’t matter what kind of corrective lenses I’m wearing. Lately it’s getting very frustrating.

I don’t think it was necessary to do an Eventbrite deal for the meeting. It’s a little over the top. And the constant emails I now get from Eventbrite are not my favorite thing either.

I hope this doesn’t turn into some type of Sam and Diane thing. That would be annoying.

Why yes. I would like to be less wrong.

Why does she have two knitting needles jabbed through a crocheted afghan acting like she’s accomplishing something?

This is not how I pictured

I can promise you that I will never vote for anyone who has been endorsed by Jennifer Granholm.

I need a good granny square poncho. Pretty much the one J-Lo wore in The Cell. And I can’t find a single gorram picture of it.

HOW IS THAT NOT HELL

OMG I found part of it. I just can’t see the bottom. I don’t remember if it has fringe. It probably has fringe. I even love those colors.

Dammit. I’m gonna have to figure out how to crochet now. Can’t someone just make it for me?

Oh good. A two hour meeting. Yay.

This place is just bound and determined to go down in flames.

I somehow read that as “off to buy a planet.”

I don’t know. I think if you have to “learn” to love something, I’m not sure it’s the right thing for you.

Wow. 100% forgot that it is Wednesday and that I am working on this post.

Really. The ONLY donation we’ve received for this project was from me. Wow.

That is among the funnier things I’ve seen this week.

This migraine is just not going to let go. Fuck. Me.

A fake war. A fake romance. Sort of all the same thing in a sense.

I don’t know why I’m bothering. But I’m bothering. They’re just going to say no. For reasons that I will not understand.

I can’t help it if I don’t fit in with you.

The world has no shortage of assholes.

Also this lipstick lasts a long time. AND I feel like I need less lip balm while I’m wearing it. I think I’m hooked.

What’s a fancy way of saying “give us money”?

Ah ha. That would be why I can’t do this.

Damn. Mike Rowe’s losing all that weight, getting all super sexy again. Sheesh.

Oh dear Lord.

There’s no way they’ll let me in. I’m not their kind of academic.

Even if I have been described as brilliant by at least one PhD, who doesn’t even particularly like me.

Ugh. Yes, but I’m stopping for a chai. Which won’t help me cool off at all. But so delicious.

I can’t deal with this “real feel” 100 bloody degrees foolishness. I can’t.

An ad for “pee proof” underwear just came up in my IG feed. Jesus. I’m not that old. I can still technically have babies, for Christ’s sake.

I hate Facebook a little bit more every day.

I do find it endlessly amusing that all the people who bitched so loudly about ALL THE POLITICS are posting nothing but politics these days. People are fascinating.

I know it’s not what Sartre meant, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Isn’t art what we make of it?

73% humidity. I feel like I’m swimming.

I won’t apologize for it.

I can’t help it if I find John Roberts oddly attractive.

I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Sorry, I was so busy laughing at the absurdity of ever actually being able to follow through on that statement that I lost track of everything.

I have very little random today. I don’t know what’s going on.

They can’t all be winners.

Never thought I’d be choosing fireplace doors as a job activity …

It smells really weird in here today. Like old rotting onions and chicken bedding that needs to be changed, only not quite as pungent.

I need this shirt. Because it’s true.

Wow. OK. I get the message. Thanks. Thanks so much.

I guess it doesn’t matter. Fuck it.

I know. I talked to him first.

I’m not at all comfortable today.

I do really like that song. I wish it was on Spotify so I could add it to this playlist.

I should get those Americana All Stars. It’s like Converse made them just for me.

Yes, I am incredibly competent. I know it’s a shock.

I like tiny Twixes.

This is the Mondayest Thursday ever.

I don’t know. I give up. Let’s all drive to Florida.

This podcast about the Boston Stranglers is pretty good. Very well done.

Your badge is no good here.

I started writing that letter something like a month ago.

I don’t know why this roll of garbage bags is sitting here.

FOR A BRIEF SHINING MOMENT

sunglassessssssssssss

I’m much better at convincing others than myself, I suppose.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Does it involve Lorence Wenke? Because if it involves Lorence Wenke, my answer is no.

I most definitely do not get that joke.

I’m not sure I’d call that “new.”

Peter Fonda’s not sorry at all. Also he looks like a pedophile.

Everyone had completely forgotten you existed until you made a public ass out of yourself, dude.

I don’t know what you call this mood, but I don’t like it at all.

Maybe it’s not really a mood. More a frame of mind.

I just accidentally deleted an email draft full of kind of super important shit in Gmail and now it’s gone forever and I think I may vomit.

Maybe if I start listening to audio books on my way home from work every day I’ll stop thinking so much.

I can’t help it if after knowing me for this long you still don’t get my humor. At some point that’s on you, not me.

I’m sorry I’m not a better human.

It’s because boobs.

I could never do video tutorials. I can’t make my neck move like that.

Maybe I should start wearing lipstick again.

well, succulents are very popular right now.

I don’t think I had the same relationship with Mr. Rogers as the rest of you seem to have had.

Ugh. No more potato chips for me. Bleah.

Yeah, at some point I just stop listening to you, to be honest.

Fuck off, Jamie.

Great. Now I have Sisters of Mercy stuck in my head.

I think the trick might be to get it out of the way early.

The problem with research is settling on a place to start and deciding which direction to go from there.

Lettuse???

This made me el oh el.

I wish I were going somewhere instead of just staying home again.

I’m completely off my game today.

Not sure about it.

I don’t know what I expect from these things any more. But I always come away disappointed.

I don’t even need to take notes.

Don’t vote for the person who tells you you deserve something. Just don’t do it if it’s something other than life, liberty, or the pursuit of possible happiness. If everyone is telling you you deserve something, vote for the one who is promising you the least. Be suspicious of the man or woman who tells you you deserve everything. Because you don’t.” ~ Mike Rowe

Maybe it’s something else.

I’m just not sure I can do this anymore.

“Libs are always hating on Chick-fil-A, but Chick-fil-A has never arrested a black man for not buying a sandwich.”

I don’t think anyone’s reading it anyway.

She just seems to be deeply out of touch with how “regular” people live. I mean she might as well be Gwyneth Paltrow.

Wow.

Why is that being treated as a complaint?? That’s fucking stupid.

I need some speakers.

Sorry. Right back to where I was before. I just don’t feel like I belong and you’re doing nothing to change that with your actions and no amount of telling myself I do belong is making that true…

This just in: jentober is not actually heartless.

I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions. I can’t make people follow directions.

Ooooh these are pretty! I’d obviously keep them up year round.

Let me just tell you how sick I am of hearing about the fucking roads, shall I?

Too many Goddamn cooks. Send your own fucking emails. I’ve had it with this whole endeavor.

I need some kind of attitude adjustment. Send help.

It’s all fades and brioche, fades and brioche, fades and brioche, all the time. M.E.H. No thanks.

Also I can’t wear mohair, so let’s nip that rising trend in the bud, shall we?

No, really. I need help please.

Stop sending me emails telling me to stop sending you my photos that I am not sending you. Spammy McJerkface.

When I saw the budget they were offering, I said, ‘Fuck this.’” Yeah, that’s how I feel about a lot of shit too, David Lynch.

But seriously, how did I get on Vulture’s mailing list?

No one told me The Posies were going to be at Bell’s tomorrow.

No one tells me anything.

everything is everything

“How are you??” “I’m on Xanax.”

Wow, I was just starting to get into it and then WHAM – a dig at homeschoolers AND Ayn Rand in the space of five minutes. Sad.

Just maybe think that blue lipstick through a little more thoroughly. That’s all I’m saying.

There is absolutely no legitimate reason that this should be taking this long. None.

I wish I had a cookie.

The problem with having a protein shake for lunch is that now I’m freezing my ass off.

Are you serious? Because that is literally what I asked you to do two months ago. WTF does your office even exist for?

I’m not sure I’m loving this new phone. I definitely do not love that the rear facing camera flips the image. My old phone did not flip the image and I loved that.

Is anyone enjoying my book series?

Dammit. Forgot to bring that other blue with me.

All this standing is not working for me today.

This is the grumpiest Random in a while. Damn.

Oh good. It’s the “walk back and forth and in and out of the office in flip flops” portion of the day. I was so afraid I’d missed it.

This is fascinating.

People are being whispery and bitchy and weird again. I hate it when that starts cycling up. Makes for very unpleasant vibes.

Here’s a cool thing you could do: Donate to my cause of bringing Gaiman to campus.

Huh. If I’m going to be the only one left in the office for the rest of the day, it might have been helpful of people to LET ME KNOW.

I give up.