Sorry, Bust Magazine. But finding Glamour’s decision to name Caitlin Jenner woman of the year totally ridiculous and not a little insulting is not “transphobic”. Any rational person who stops and thinks about that for 15 seconds would recognize that.

Believe it or not, you don’t actually have to flag every single one of your emails as IMPORTANT. On account of most of your emails just aren’t that important.

I think I’ll dye my hair purple.

Dogs are the best.

I ask you, has there ever been anyone more out of touch with reality than Gwyneth Paltrow?

People should just never wear floral based perfumes ever. I’m so serious. It’s painful. My brain is so sad right now.

OMG yes. All the things.

I’m pretty sure I need these.

I don’t normally appreciate much the Times has to offer, (you’ll note they were sure to get their Fox News dig in), but I do think this is worth reading. “Competitive victimhood” is how I tend to think of the environment fostered by higher education. Particularly in my own office where it seems to have devolved into a ridiculous and never ending game of Hurt Feelings. A game, sadly, one is forced to compete in if one wishes to come out with one’s employment and reputation intact.

I kinda want the gray one. I’m not normally one to go all tactical, just because it’s not like I’m legitimately tactical, come on. But I think it’s the messenger bags I love so dearly that are messing up my shoulder, and I just kinda like this backpack.

Oh Socrates. You are making me tired.

Thank you so much for shoving your chair back from the table directly into my hip and not apologizing at my audible gasp of pain. You are a beautiful human being.

Why do you have a dog on your shoulders?

My jaw hurts today. I must have been doing a more than usual amount of clenching in my sleep. Prolly it was a premonition of how my day was going to go.

I just bit my lip.

I’m clearly not in a good mood today. I really just shouldn’t be here at all.

I think this day calls for a Fountain Pepper.  Or a Fountain Dew. I’d take either one.

I didn’t know people used Maslow’s hierarchy in business settings. I always think of it in terms of crime rates.

It’s a merger, not a murder!

Oh God. Someone made popcorn. Just kill me now and be done with it.

This is the only presentation on active shooters that we ever need: Carry your pistol with you at all times. There.

I like it.

How did I read that question and then proceed to change it so utterly in my head as to answer a wholly different question that wasn’t even asked? I have wasted so much time. Dammit.

Whelp. No one unfriended me on National UnFriend Day. I can’t decide if I’m surprised or not.

Wow. I weep for our future.

Well this was not planned at all. Monkey wrench!

I typed that as MOneky.

ha.

Because I’ve listened to it about 7 times today.

Hmmm. It appears that you are broken.

I’m not sure that I really care, Carly Simon.

Why won’t anyone listen to me today?

Weather induced pain. Yay!

You know what? Don’t even read this today.

I should probably put that sentence at the beginning …