antijenx

nobody here but us chickens

Author: AntiJenX (page 1 of 118)

Random Wednesday

It’s generally not actually a conspiracy theory.

The past tense of sleepwalk is absolutely not slept walked.

Huh. I think I imagined that entire exchange.

Publishers Clearing House is still a thing?

I’m a secret Luddite.

See? It’s not that I’m a picky eater, it’s that I’m a Supertaster, and these foods are actually disgusting to me. I can’t control that. STOP JUDGING ME.

I thought of something when I was lying in bed last night that I wanted to put in Random and now I can’t remember what it was.

I know I’ve read this before. I’ve possibly shared this before. But this just feels like me.

That leg just looks … odd.

No one wants to talk to me. Fine.

Why are these British people talking about miles instead of kilometers?

I should be fine by then.

This is the first time since Obama was elected that my insurance premiums have gone down instead of up.

“grotesque manifestation of self-congratulatory debauchery

I need this shirt and I cannot find it anywhere.

Is that like fist bump?

purgatory maybe

God I hate Ravelry. But it’s the easiest place to keep my patterns.

Gnome, gnome on the range.

I wish this stupid floater would get off my eyeball.

Dear students everywhere. Your major should not actually be capitalized. Stop doing it.

Great. The woman who sells candles called “This Smells Like My Vagina” is now being held aloft as a champion of natural hair color. No fucking thank you. Get off our bandwagon, you loon.

Also? Her dress was a hideous mess.

What. Evidently this semester I take study breaks to be catty.

Also I was here first.

OK I’m done. Probably.

Order Post Its.

Not Post Toasties.

I had not intended to spend my entire day reading statistics. It’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

Is it bad that I just want to start The Mentalist over at the beginning even though I just watched the whole thing?

So I guess the answer is just squat more then?

It is straight up bullshit that you’re making me use FMLA for this. What a waste of fucking time.

the surprising science behind

Huh. I never thought about scents being extinct.

I have less than no interest in that.

well i hear you’re drivin’ someone else’s car now

Well, it seemed like a reasonable question to me.

“Ready to level up your working knowledge of math?” Absolutely not.

Of course she didn’t answer my question.

It’s a collection. Of sorts.

I don’t know who just came in here using rose scented shit but you’re about to die. Holy fuck. That hurts.

It’s not actually a musical instrument.

My mood is rapidly failing. Perhaps I should

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Random Wednesday

keylogger. hmmmm.

That was a deeply unsatisfying article.

Sure would be nice to not be sick any more. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, really.

No, but every word of this is true.

Pretty sure I’m going to fall asleep sitting here.

I’m not sure why I should care.

Stop blaming everything on the “Satanic Panic.”

It’s not “all the sudden.” It just isn’t.

I don’t know who is formatting all these official university emails, but they’re way too big to fit in a normal email window and frankly, I’m not scrolling back and forth and up and down to read your shit.

Everyone is so bossy and self-righteous this time of year, while pretending to be supportive and encouraging. Shut up and do your own thing. 

It’s not like I can just sit around reading.

I cannot remember why I signed up for this email.

Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.

I don’t know why that Baby Yoda is so stinkin’ cute, but dammit. It’s just so stinkin’ cute.

WTF kind of name is Raddix? That sounds like some kind of pest control product.

You know what? My head really fucking hurts.

I’m sure that comes as a shock to you.

I sent around 100 Christmas cards this year. I received around 12. I think it may be time to hang it up.

And just like that, it was January.

I feel like I should be panicking, but I’m just too tired.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read an email without a snotty tone. Just because of the way it’s worded. I’d like to not be offended by your bitchery, but it’s just so bitchy.

I hate these people so much.

I just received an email that opened “Hello Jennisen,” That’s a new one.

My name doesn’t matter. It’s totally fine.

You’re either a Returner or you’re wrong.

But what even is X?

Goofball. Sheesh.

STIMULANTS!!!!

“Rub some dirt on it, spit on it, and walk it off.” That’s essentially my parenting doctrine. Also I need to read this book, because she sounds like my kind of chick.

But in like a year, after I graduate. Because I clearly do not have time now.

Also I’m fairly certain I read her IDW piece that’s referenced in this interview.

Yes. Well.

Not a good look when you get pulled over in the official company delivery car, kid.

I could always take up smoking again.

Relax, I’m joking.

I’m legit having a hard time coming up with a thousand words.

Everything just comes out wrong anyway.

Yeah, but I bet you won’t talk about the benefits of human composting.

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Random Wednesday

There’s nothing wrong with addressing everyone in a room as “guys.” It’s as “inclusive” as you can get. You use it on both men and women. If you find it offensive, you probably should GTFO of the Midwest, first of all. But come on. If you find it offensive, you’re actively trying to be offended. I refuse to stop using this word.

Teams has the potential for being a really useful tool, but the notifications system is trash. I am constantly missing messages and posts.

kind of everyone’s trial is staticy sometimes

I readily admit that this has, in fact, been me more than one winter.

Another shirt I absolutely don’t need, but really really want. I’m being good and not ordering it.

It’s cheese, Gromit!!!!

And this is just one of the many reasons we are best bitches.

Well. That’s not me.

What was the point in allowing dude to recover, just to ask him if he recognized you, and when he said no, you murdered him. That makes zero sense.

I don’t know why, but I feel like my Amazon wishlist is super dull right now.

Who wants to send me to the 2020 ADEC conference for a week? Anyone? Anyone at all.

Póg mo thóin, Biden.

OK, but what if I’m actually right about my Red John suspicion?

OMG “humble bragging about his pecs.” Ha.

I dunno. Complaining about snow in Michigan in December just seems a little ridiculous.

This is pretty cool.

Whatever will you all do when I finally retire Little Justin Timberlake?

It’s the voice. THE VOICE.

It’s none of those people though. That list. None of those people.

I don’t care what anyone says, Highlander is a good movie.

As far as I’m concerned, I don’t know you.

I wonder what happened to my FIRE tee. I wish I had a YAL tee.

YES.

High

I have no idea what I was about to type there. I swear I am not high.

Is there a crystal that effectively serves as an invisibility cloak? Cos I need one of those.

Worried you’re going to retire in a bear market? Um. I don’t even know what that means.

Also? It’s not like I’m going to be able to retire.

Unless I become wholly self sufficient by then. Farming wise I mean. I need to buy different land. Probably in a different state.

Well I’m trying to stay awake.

SHIT. I just remembered I don’t get to go home at 5. Pardon me while I crawl under my desk and cry.

It’s not like I’m getting paid.

oh. ok then.

OK THEN

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Random Wednesday

I mean. It’s a blend.

I feel like I haven’t slept in 3 days.

This just in: Rømmegrøt  still revolting.

SOIEGn”SOEIBNS”Rbinzfbnzfdlkbn
SrboiHEPgj

Reasonably accurate.

a whole universe

Clearly I am working for the wrong employer.

I don’t know. I’d rather have like a nice lasagna or something for Thanksgiving dinner. Pork chops? Cuban pulled pork! Not ham. Not really a ham fan.

“Barack Obama is a conservative.” Now that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever read on the interwebs.

Miss Dolly, Queen of Everything

Google has Black Friday in my phone as a ‘holiday in the US’. Um no.

Yeah, yeah, change is hard. But the new candy canes are legitimately awful.

I don’t know. I feel like I should feel worse than I do. Maybe I just haven’t had time.

it’s just that

It took me FOREVER to start listening to podcasts because I hated them. Now I go in fits and starts. I listen to nothing but to and from work for a good month. Then I can’t take it any more and stop for months on end. This is hilarious.

But I’m still hoping to start my own death education podcast, notwithstanding.

No, I won’t knit you a Mr. Rogers sweater.

It’s not racist to dislike a type of food. Shut the fuck up.

STILL HATE CHINESE FOOD

The “gonna tell my kids” memes are dumb. Stop. It’s like you blew all your energy on the cat and Epstein and you’re trying too hard when really you should just be taking a break. They’re not funny.

I don’t think Patrick Jane is a psychopath. I love him.

OK, but the new ones are still ugly.

I’ve wanted to visit this island for a long time.

Jesus. I can’t concentrate on anything.

And why is it so fucking hot in here?

I need a perfume oil that smells like this candle: leather and oak.

Sorry. the short week threw me off.

Gobble gobble.

what in the what??

Why yes, I do spend the majority of my waking hours engaged in an activity that is not life-affirming.

Arrrrghhhhhh wet socks.

I can’t for the life of me remember where I put all the tiny props for Little Justin Timberlake.

Shit.

I don’t even get the Hallmark Channel.

No thanks.

Homemade Lunchables for life.

I need a new remote for my bloody camera. Again. Dammit.

I’m a good choice for Giving Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or any other day.

No one cares if you don’t go to school, angry little Swedish girl.

there’s a million little battles that

No come on. Biden is missing a whole handful of screws. They’re not just loose. Y’all can’t be serious with this guy.

I just want a nap. I JUST WANT A NAP.

And why is it so fucking bright in here?

I almost have the whole Red John thing figured out. Almost.

FAT

Already 100% over Christmas and trying very very very hard not to be.

Come on, son.

Oh good. Anxiety stomach. Fucking yay.

OK, it’s dark now. It’s not even 5. This is bullshit.

BULLSHIT.

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Random Wednesday

I think Sinclair Lewis got it wrong.

It’s funny to me that so much of what progressives espouse is fascism wrapped in altruism, but they are wholly convinced it’s the right that are the authoritarians.

I can’t remember why I get these emails from Telegraph. It’s weird.

Nick Cave looks like the live action version of a Tim Burton claymation character. But also, he’s spot on.

First of all. Who carves pumpkins in their bedroom?

No, but really. Does no one else find it worth commenting on the fact that there is an intermission in the There Will Be No Intermission tour? Is she trying to be ironic?

This kind of stalled out. Death’ll do that to a girl I suppose.

I’d like to go to Rhinebeck some year.

And Scotland.

And Ireland.

And back to Norway.

And New Orleans.

I really don’t see what possible use I will have for this training. I’ve honestly tried. And I just cannot see it. Not in this context, anyway.

This is hilarious and true.

It’s not the body that bothers me.

Like I’ll ever own a vacation home.

Jesus. What is. Why. You’re an idiot.

Fun fact: Daddy Longlegs are arachnids, but not spiders.

Actually, my real dream would be to get an MLS with a focus in thanatology. I mean. Death Librarian. Come on.

Anyone want to be my wealthy benefactor and pay for my MLS? Anyone?

Anyone want to be my slightly less wealthy benefactor and pay for my ADEC membership? Anyone at all.

Stick with impunity.

OK. Where am I supposed to go?

let’s

It’s hard to jump back into this. My heart isn’t much in it.

Although. I suppose that’s silly. It’s more like I just don’t have the energy to spew my stupid thoughts out in this blank space.

I totally thought that was a close up of like a panther’s face or something. So weird.

My sleep is wonkier than ever.

By now you’ve likely gotten used to my not being here, and Random is but a distant memory.

Those three blondes are essentially identical. I wonder who made that casting decision.

There was another Charlie’s Angels movie? Why?

I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing this morning. Nothing. Not one thing.

You know what. I’m just going to go ahead and post whatever this is. No sense continuing to drag it out, trying to add to it. Make it more interesting somehow.

Gotta stop crying in the stupid bathroom.

The thing is.

I’m actually listening to my Christmas playlist right now. Try not to have a coronary.

I’m TRYING.

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Random Wednesday

This, honestly, is hilarious.

Whatever happened to Crag Sheffer?

I disagree. Because I disagree.

I don’t often see concealed carry bags I like, but this one is close.

I’m still not convinced you should carry in a bag. If someone snatches your bag, then what? A cross-body bag is a much better design, but I have yet to find a cross-body design for women I actually find appealing. Better to stick with ITWB.

That reads like it’s the women I need to find appealing. It is not.

Best. Listing. Ever.

I accidentally clicked a link to a seemingly innocuous possibly cute story about an obscure film prop only to find myself on Jezebel, hating the author after the first sentence because they have to politicize every fucking thing that exists ever. JESUS take a fucking break.

Is it ironic that I can never remember what epistemological means?

Ellen is 100% right the fuck on.

I don’t fit anywhere.

I’m supposed to be reading this book for class and I cannot concentrate at all today.

It’s not a toomah. It’s totally a toomah. Maybe it’s a toomah. It’s not a toomah.

I still have never set foot on your deck. It’s become a sort of superstition now. Should I ever set foot on your deck now, it will signal that that is the final visit I’ll ever make to your house. Now I can’t ever walk out onto your deck. It would be tempting fate.

I do actually go into a slight panic if I realize I don’t have a lip balm. I’d rather be without my phone than my lip balm.

F.U.C.K.

Exactly how many times do I have to say OK, I give up, I surrender before the shit just fucking stops?

You are here.

Motives matter.

There were never any razor blades in your candy. Remember in the 80s though, when the fire department had the X-Ray machine thing set up with the conveyor belt and you could take you candy and have it scanned?

I just wanted to see an X-Ray of my candy. I never did though. I imagine it would have been a very dull picture.

I both very much do and do not want to see this film.

Yeah, but they don’t really care.

I just realized I accidentally threw my hanky in the trash.

Just say no to mohair.

Nohair.

I would argue that she doesn’t deserve punishment of any kind, not even “clapping erasers” (which I’m pretty sure they don’t do any more), but this? This is bullshit.

Wow. Classy jackass.

Why didn’t anyone tell me The Mentalist was such a great show? I’m glad it’s finally available for streaming.

isolated

Hey, wouldja look at that.

I really just want to order in lunch today. I really should just eat my freezer lunch today.

“Can a cat have an existential crisis?” Are you serious? Who gives a shit? It’s a cat.

Maybe Luther College will give me a job.

I am against making election day a paid holiday.

I really hate whistling. I extra hate that you come in here every afternoon whistling while you deliver the mail, because it seems a little over the top. And oh look. Literally none of this mail is for our office.

No. I never want any lutefisk.

Fuck. I thought that was due the 24th. It is not.

Well, now clearly I have to see The Rise of Jordan Peterson.

I wonder if we all stopped spending so much fucking time on these people if they’d just go the hell away.

I wonder about the efficacy of your face!

That’s not a reference to what you think it is.

I got your distant intercessory prayer right here, pal.

Maybe it’s that my brain resists the concept of the meaning of the word epistemological, therefore, I have to keep looking it up.

I hate when I can’t grasp a concept because I’m really fucking smart.

We never should have been in Syria in the first place.

I feel extra stupid this semester, let me tell you.

GAH. Fine. You win.

Find an upright yet effortless posture? Yeah right.

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Year Seventeen: Love means never having to say you’re ugly.

Just couldn’t decide this year so you get two. (Quote from The Abominable Dr. Phibes.)

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Year Seventeen: It’s almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don’t miss it. And don’t forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.

Just couldn’t decide this year so you get two. (This quote from Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Outtakes in both posts.)

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Random Wednesday

rerun. did you know how much i love halloween? ha. just kidding.

Well. That was harder than it should have been.

Wow. I’m totally impressed but also cracking up. Totally goth emoed this thing right up.

Oh more wow.

I just read another interview with Brad Pitt. First of all, who wears eight hundred dollar sweaters in real life? But also, he really should come to one of our workshops.

Could someone please, for the love of all things holy, teach me how to just not give a shit any more?

If my head didn’t hurt so much this week I’d switch to some death metal. Or at least Sisters of Mercy’s Vision Thing album.

WTF even is that?

I don’t begrudge you your cat love. I just don’t understand it. I’m like the libertarian of pets. Love your cat all you want, just don’t expect me to care.

I’ve never been much of a Sonic Youth fan, to be honest.

For a bunch of people noted for their devotion to science and scorn for most types of organized religion (by which I mean Christianity), they sure expect people to take an awful lot on faith.

I never played Oregon Trail.

Every time you ask a question I just want to give you a smart ass response, which tells me I should just avoid that space altogether right now, because that just isn’t productive.

What am I even doing here?

Funny how no one seems to have any problem giving me extra work. God forbid anyone should even suggest that some other people take on extra shit.

So much for all my optimism at a new regime.

Why the fuck does this office smell like Spaghettios?

Sometimes I just have to blast New Order in my ears in order to escape your pointless sibilance.

Great. Now the Cure is stuck in my head.

Well then how should you describe yourself?

What the hell is on my pants? Dammit!

People make me so tired.

Maybe instead of parading your mentally ill child across the globe as your own personal political football, you should perhaps be getting her some actual help so that she can function in the world she claims she’d so desperately like to save.

It is dangerously balanced on the razor’s edge of TRENDY. We already see its being worn like an accessory, a badge of hip modern matronliness, by some women who fancy themselves the new Earth mothers.

OK, now I’m getting SPAM with actual naked chicks in it. What the fuck.

When emailing two people of the same name, don’t pluralize them. Simply say good morning.

There is only now.

Just FYI, I cannot deliver a Random next week. And possibly the week after. Prepare yourselves for the drought. Or reprieve. It could really go either way.

“I’ll believe climate change is a crisis when the people who keep telling me it’s a crisis start acting like it’s a crisis — by making any sort of actual personal sacrifice at all.” ~ Glenn Reynolds

I do not approve.

I think there’s something wrong with this a

Finally get the patio cleaned off and now I can’t use it for fear of being murdered by mosquitoes.

I had to jensplain it to them.

No. No no no no no. We don’t need it. No one wants it. No. Just let it flipping die.

It’s not THE Ukraine. It’s not. It just isn’t. Stoppit.

Halloween is a frame of mind.

Did I tell you I won’t be here next week? I did. You’ll be OK.

This right here is why people hate the left. This is the kind of shit that gets a President Trump. Also? This is why no one with any sense can take your 16 year old Swedish scold seriously.

People’s brains don’t finish forming until roughly age 26. Why don’t people stop and think about that more often? It’s significant.

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Random Wednesday

i put my canon down for months, and now that i don’t have ANY time to pick it up, i’m itching to. here’s another rerun.

DAMMIT

Oh well. Fuck it. I just have to learn to say no. That’s fine.

Of course, this makes sense.

It would have been more accurate if it were a bunch of plastic food containers and lids, none of which match each other.

this is ourselves

“There are many things the next generation should be encouraged to be. Brilliant, exceptional, inventive, remarkable. All of this and more. But one way to stop that happening is by continuing to fragment the most tolerant societies on earth along group identity lines. And then invite people to spend their lives gazing at their navels. Or indeed at their pronouns.”

Perpetually prepared for disappointment.

Wow. First brand new alumni newsletter and there’s a spelling error on the very first line because God forbid you should let me proofread this shit before you publish it.

Shit

I’ve seen plenty of flashed penises at parties. I never mistook it for sexual assault. I took it for drunken morons behaving like drunken morons.

Oops. I just opened a Quest bar and then noticed I had half a Quest bar already open on my desk.

That’s just blasphemous.

I just really don’t wear that much makeup though.

It’s just absolutely infuriating.

You know, I really need a new pair of Chucks, but I have been putting off buying them. And then all of a sudden it hit me, maybe I’m not actually a Chucks girl. Maybe I’m really a Vans girl. Maybe my insistence on wearing Chucks all these years is actually the root of all of my existential woes. And now, I still need some new shoes, but am caught in a spiral of doubt and questioning the very basis of all of my life choices.

That’s an interesting question, and one I’m going to carry around with me for a while.

I’m mostly just avoiding reading this pointless study.

Perfect.

The important thing here is …

Honestly, what is Joe Biden even doing? Why is he here?

I guess I didn’t know that Danny Elfman was married to Bridget Fonda.

Or did I?

suerte suerte suerte

I should brush up on my Spanish.

I’m posting early today. I know. Try not to hurt yourself in your shock.

Disposable.

You’re right. I would make an excellent assassin.

Man, my desk is really dusty.

I bet people do that shit on purpose to see if anyone actually notices. Kind of like when I wear the same skirt 4 days in a row.

Well. I finally got a Reason speaker on campus. No Nick. But still cool. Go me.

I’ve been trying to read this all day, so if I link it here I can find it later.

And I’m off.

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