nobody here but us chickens

Category: random wednesday (page 1 of 43)

Random Wednesday

This photo just feels so funereal to me.

I’m going to start a new photo series. Photos of places that feel funereal but have absolutely nothing to do with funerals. Funereal Spaces. Funereal Photos. One of those. I’m doing it.

I’m giving up on applying for jobs in that building. It’s never gonna happen.

Nothing dreamier than film.

I’m sorry, but isn’t this 100% protected under the First Amendment??

Those weather maps literally never make sense to me. And yet I still click on them.


Well. That’s not exactly what I meant. But whatever.

“Vehicle drove around crossing arms in fatal train crash.” I cannot tell you how confused I was over that headline at first.

Like some petulant car just crossing its arms all full of attitude, driving around. “I’ll do what I want!”

I love it when people use tenant when they mean tenet. HI-larious. I also think it’s hilarious that so many people associate Peterson with this “men’s rights movement.”

So he’s not just a sociopath, he’s also a really shitty writer.

You guys.  This will hurt, but please read it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to remember that I am so much more than this stupid job.

“In the future, everything will be made of chickpeas.” I fucking loathe chickpeas.

Two sentences into a story in The NEW YORKER and there’s already a spelling error. People have no goddamn standards any more. The New Yorker for fuck’s sake.

I’ve talked about this before but here’s some new research on it. I can tell you that the RAGE is very very real.

I have argued for years that people’s urge to self segregate is innate. Human beings are naturally tribalistic. We will always seek out and surround ourselves with our own kind, whether it’s nerds or Norwegians or libertarians or even, yes, ethnicities.

I have this meeting once a month, and every single time, this jackass sits across the room staring at me. I can’t tell if he’s waiting for me to go postal or if he’s just really sorry he was such an asshole that time. I guess I don’t care which as long as I don’t have to talk to him.

Holding up Mr. Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers” and saying THIS IS NOT ENOUGH is ridiculous. This message was meant for children, not adults. Why don’t you hold up his advice and say people will be looking, so go be a helper?

Better yet – and this is sort of becoming my mantra, thanks Avett Brothers – Decide what to be and go be it.

This just in: Eggs are bad for you again. PLEASE. Just stop.

I think I’m done applying for jobs around here. Fuck it.

CBD infused coffee seems counterproductive somehow.

It’s probably not a good place to be, frame of mind wise. I don’t know what you want from me, but you’re not likely to get it.

What am I even doing?

I didn’t know this was a thing, and I think it’s pretty horrific. I don’t understand how this is OK.

Sorry, Facebook. I can’t with you today, either.

I’m just marking all of the cat related ads Instagram shoves into my feed as offensive at this point, because enough with the fucking cats.


Please stop putting candy at the front desk. There is no fucking room for this shit. Oh good. Now I get to listen to you eating it too. Hoo-fucking-ray. I should not be physically able to hear you right now. It should not be possible. Why are you even standing there? WTF are you even paid for?

I’m telling you. You want to get me to crack in interrogation? Force me to listen to you eat something.

If your week is anything like mine, don’t watch this absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking and lovely video. Because you will cry. A lot.

Look. The building is all booked up. I can’t help you. And being pissy with me about it is not going to advance your cause.

Fuck. All I wanted was to finish this fucking paper today and I just cannot even do it. I hate everything.

Wow. I’d very much love to see this in person.

I’m pretty sure you don’t actually understand what that phrase means.

First of all, I didn’t know Lollapalooza was still clinging to life. B) this year’s lineup is, to steal someone else’s word, absolute trash. Ariana Grande? Are you fucking serious with this foolishness?

I’m so glad I’m too old for music festivals.

I want Jack and Sally please.


I don’t know why you’re even reading this.

Are you even reading this?

On the positive, my new mattress came in the mail today.

I don’t like Jeffrey Tambor.

I like sleep. I’d like some more of that.

I’m not getting some more of that.

I’m going home now. You should too.


Random Wednesday

It’s not terribly compelling, actually.

The Body Farm is so cool.

I’m starting to sound like a fucking Dear Abby column in these discussion posts.

I do like the title Agony Aunt though. I’d be good at that job. Plus the word agony.

I love my wife. My wife is dead.

That is what you get for stinking up the office with your popcorn.

They won’t hire me.

No one ever wants to hire me.

I just need to check in on people sometimes. Make sure they’re all good.

I’m a misanthrope who likes very specific people.

Fine. I don’t want to work there anyway.

I 100% forgot what I was doing.

It’s nice that you can come in at 7 forty something. Take an hour lunch. Then leave at 4. That seems fair.

Look, I think Jordan Peterson makes a lot of sense, but some of you are bordering on a kind of cult mentality with all of this and it’s a little weird and a little creepy.

This new drug is not working. Yet.

This right here is why I love the internet. And also hipsters are just awful.

I should not be able to hear you eating right now. It should not be physically possible.

I think I need to just wear my glasses for a few days.

“Identity cannot be a substitute for or a supplement to reason and morality.This woman has no business holding office in this country. She is despicable. And the Dems who refuse to censure her in any way are just as despicable.

Shut. Up.

Yes, they do. They literally do it all the time.

This is not my favorite season of Psych.

To be honest, I’ve always had a fair amount of sympathy for Lucifer. I’m probably going to hell.

I think that was a bit of a reach. Your reasoning didn’t even make sense.

I don’t love My Favorite Murder as much as everyone else. In fact, it would be infinitely more enjoyable without Georgia Hardstark, who is profoundly annoying. Also the politics. Jesus bloody God, can you just stop with your stupid progressive politics. They are wholly irrelevant to murder.

I maintain that you cannot count Ed Gein as a serial killer.

Are we positive Zachary Levi isn’t gay?

This is not my favorite episode of Supernatural.

I don’t like the bunker full of people. It’s weird.


And then there are the people who just suddenly, inexplicably, stop speaking to me.

I love you, Jim Butcher. But you’ll always be a bigger nerd than me. And probably I curse too much for you.

If you’re not reading Quillette, you should be.

People always follow “It goes without saying,” with the thing that allegedly goes without saying. I find this paradox entertaining and terrifically odd.

I do not know how it is possible, but I never get tired of hearing the Psych theme song. Never.

I’m convinced the original post was a troll, but this is still hilarious.

I just learned that Brie Larson (larsen?) won an Oscar for Room, and I’m struggling to understand why.

I started watching Room, fast forwarded through the majority of it, and watched the end, and felt like every minute I spent with it was a waste of time because it was so spectacularly uninteresting.

Brie Larsuhn is spectacularly uninteresting.

Look. I can’t help it if I love bagpipe music.

I also can’t help it if I don’t understand people who complain about “only” getting 5 hours of sleep. 5 hours of sleep is basically my average. Suck it up, buttercup.

No, I’m not interested in Knitting The Card Game.

Some very strange occurrences. Very strange.

Oy. That was a little too Conservative Preachy Man for me this early in the morning.

I suddenly could not remember the Roman numeral for 9. So odd.

I’ll eat the quinoa, but it kind of weirds me out.

Hey internet? I can guarantee you I am not a Christian.

Facebook keeps notifying me that I have a new message after I’ve sent a message and it’s really fucking annoying.

What! I didn’t know Tim Burton directed Dumbo. Clearly now I have to see it.

How did I end up on the Daily Mail? What a horrible publication.

That is appalling.

Please. I wish I made that much money.

Whelp. There’s another job I didn’t get.

Yeah, my name isn’t Elizabeth.

No, but come on. They just give out degrees like Pez or something at her alma mater, right? How is she an economist? Honestly, if breathing weren’t an involuntary reflex, she would have died years ago. This woman is just about as dumb an individual as I have ever seen in my life.

It feels like the inside of my skin is itchy. That usually means I’m getting sick. And also it’s one of the most awful sensations you can imagine.

It’s because none of them know what they’re doing.


I know why, I just wish it weren’t.

Of course banning unvaccinated children is a violation of their Constitutional rights. Equal protection under the law. Of course not vaccinating your children is lunacy, but it’s still your right not to do so. You can’t force Americans to vaccinate. Think about what you’re demanding. Once you allow forced vaccinations, you open the door to forced sterilizations, among so many other horrific things. Anti-vaxxers are dangerous morons, but they’re allowed to be dangerous morons. And also assholes.

My life is a constant irritating fucking struggle of just trying to physically see clearly.

Students leave an astonishing number of water bottles behind.

God I hate protest chanting.

I’ve been called a cracker bitch more times than I can count, but I don’t make it the defining experience of my life. Jesus.

This is the future you’ll get with AOC and people like her. STOP deluding yourselves into thinking this time it will be different. It’s never different. It’s never good. It is always evil.

I’ve served on the University Common Read Committee for six years, and every single year has been a struggle. I think the concept of a common read is fantastic. I think the motivation behind a common read needs to be very closely scrutinized. And I’ll say this, the committee was comprised almost entirely of professors, so I think that’s where this piece and NAS get it wrong. It’s not just the bureaucrats.

Of course, every member of the committee quit this year. I’m the last woman standing and no authority to proceed.

“Reach out to students who do not atomically qualify to have them apply. … How can we reach students who do not atomically qualify.”

Seriously, I love these sheep so much. I want some. I have plenty of room!

Look. the entire first half of this story, you’re claiming these murders were committed with a shotgun. Now all of a sudden it’s a rifle. They’re not interchangeable. Come on.

This is so fantastic.

I love how she looks at this through the scope of our language.

Man. I’m hanging this up.


Random Wednesday

When are your kids old enough that you can start replacing all the shit they’ve stained beyond classy recognition?

That’s the passive aggressive’s way of making an accusation. Listen, honey. I didn’t do it and I wasn’t here when it happened. Furthermore, it’s not my problem.

This is a good read.

Stop calling me Jen. You are not my friend. You are a horrible human being and I hate you.

I would never have put geography under social and behavioral sciences, but what do I know.

Ooph. Also, I highly recommend Nancy’s book “To the Bridge.” It’s very well done.

Are you sure?

Are you reading this right now?

It might be a two Diet Dr. Pepper day, chickens.

Wait. What day is this?

I have never been in such desperate need of a massage in my life.

Even more unfriending. Interesting.

I always think, “Oh, I bet it was so and so.” And it never is who I think it is.

I bought a new

I have no idea what I was going to type there.

Why do I try to participate in these conversations? WHY?


i could deceive you

No. I cannot verify that information for you. Even if I could verify the information at all, I could not verify it for you.

Stop wearing those serial killer non-prescription aviator frames as accessories. They looked like shit in the 80s when they were the fashion, and they look like shit now.

That guy is pissed. I’m glad I’m not having to deal with him.

OMG Yeah. This is my life.

This guy is a dick. It’s hard to say if he’s a dick for the hits on his blog, of if he’s just a dick in general. But he’s a dick either way. Now I don’t even want to link to him.

It would have to be temporary!

You guys.

Chronic migraine is a chronic illness. I don’t think people really understand what living with chronic pain is like. And I know people get tired of my mentioning it. People never get tired of asking me “have you tried …?” and I take that in the spirit it was intended. But chances are, the answer is yes, I have, and it didn’t work. I have two different diagnoses, actually. Chronic Migraine – which is my every single day pain, and Breakthrough Migraine, which is the shit that knocks me on my ass, alters my vision, makes me want to sob in agony, but crying just makes it worse pain. Sometimes I just feel like I could use a little more understanding. That’s all. It’s frustrating. When I talk about it, or mention it, I’m not whining. I’m not complaining. I’m just telling you what shit is like. (Crohn’s Disease – the illness in this article – runs in my family. Happily for me, I have not been stricken with it.) Also, I don’t think people with chronic migraine are welcome in the “spoonie” club. That seems a little mean girls to me.

It’s OK. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I should just delete that paragraph. No one cares about my skull.

I don’t know how to fill out this goddamn form.

Open faced sandwiches.

I need some white Norwegian cheese. Help a sister out. I’m being completely serious.

Shut up Van Jones.

I will never understand this process. NEVER.


We should let a snake loose in the house.

Just kidding.

Just call me Miss Anthropy.

I really hate Audible’s website.

Every time she says something about DAR I think she’s talking about the Daughters of the American Revolution and I get so confused. She is not talking about the Daughters of the American Revolution.

the pople

Come on. It’s like you’re looking for reasons to get pissed off at me, and if that’s the case, maybe you should just move on with your life, without me in it.

There’s something wrong with my tea.

I don’t know why Firefox thinks I give a shit about diamonds, but I don’t.

Every single platform I use has my personal algorithms completely wrong. Maybe that’s a good thing, I guess.

Where do they come up with drug names, anyway. So ridiculous.

Is it worth it? I don’t know. I’m really fucking tired.

WHAT. How can you possibly be out of apple cider? HOW. HOOOOOOOOW.

Every time this email goes out, every single person on the distribution list hits reply all. I literally could not care less about your response. Reply to the sender. It’s not that fucking hard.


By golly.

Shouting from the cheap seats. Honestly. It’s like you vote for these people because they’ll abuse you. What a bitch. And yeah, please do not have children. The world is full of enough dumb as it is.


Huh. What the hell am I posting on FB that’s so offensive? And why is it so hard to figure out who unfriended you?

Shut up Cory Booker.

Random is reaching record lengths these days. My brain needs an outlet.

And that is why you follow the fucking procedure.

Accepting his acceptance??

“There’s something weird about every family. That’s what makes America great.”

This is so cool. Also, I’ve been to the Rijksmuseum and it is incredible. I couldn’t even see the whole thing. If you ever have the opportunity, take it.

Is this too much? Do you prefer the shorter Randoms?

Look. I fell into this job because I needed a job, and because I got tuition remission. You chose to be a teacher for REASONS.

I have a loooooooooot of thoughts about this topic. But I’m going to keep them to myself a while longer. Read this instead.

I’m intuitively eating this pizza.

This is not what we should be spending our tax dollars on. If we stopped spending money on shit like this, maybe our roads wouldn’t be a national joke. Maybe our roads wouldn’t actually be in constant disrepair because we use the cheapest possible means of fixing them instead of resurfacing entirely. This shit pisses me off.  We don’t even need this. There’s a ritzy ass hotel not even a block away from this building.

I can’t believe not a single one of them has made a Madame Defarge reference in all of this. I’M THE ONLY ONE.

Pssst. She was not a hero.

Speaking of knitting, I wonder if Annie’s ever going to release that pattern I tested.

Man. Do academics just not give a shit about having people proof their papers for grammatical and spelling mistakes? Come. On.

I can’t read your article. Evidently I’ve hit my allowable reads for the month or year or whatever, and I’m not paying for a subscription.

Well. This has gone on long enough, don’t you think?


Random Wednesday

This woman laughs after every single thing she says. This is not an exaggeration. This is a fact. Literally nothing she says warrants so much as a chuckle.

This place is killing me by degrees.

I am only still here because I am a responsible adult with bills to pay and a family to feed. Occasional Cortex isn’t handing me a paycheck because I’d rather sit on my ass.

Wow, way to blow right in with the NEGATIVE, jen.

Moving right along.

Here is some incredible heroism.

Shut up, Cory Booker.

HA. I thought that said neo-mortalists and thought wow, that’s a really great phrase, I should use that for stuff. It did not say neo-mortalists.

Hey, Instagram? I don’t eat yogurt. Enough with the yogurt ads. Really.

Hey, listen, if y’all could just stop posting links to crap at WaPo, that’d be great. I can’t ready ANY of them.

Benedict Cumberbatch with a mustache? No. Just no. So wrong.

I just don’t get scrapbooking. It feels a little pathological. But you do you.

This is not helping me.

I find this actually terrifying.

Every time I say something about 4H these college students say “what’s that??”

I think this is pretty fantastic.

You’re trying to decide if I’m serious right now.

You guys.

You don’t get to talk about “we’re old!” when you’re in your 30s. So stop.

Here’s the solution: Stop putting faculty in administrative positions. They’re not qualified to manage people and departments because they don’t have the experience, they don’t have the skill, they make everything worse. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends who are faculty. But I also have to work for faculty, and it’s a flipping migraine. Let faculty do what they do best: teach.

Tanya Tucker!

Old Lady Tucker.

Jesus. I’ve officially reached that point in my life where I’m bitching about my contractor. HOW DID I GET HERE?

I keep having to yawn, and then halfway through the yawn it’s like the yawn breaks and I can’t finish it. and then I’m just deeply dissatisfied because I wasn’t able to actually yawn. It’s kind of tragic, really.

You guys.

I’d never even heard of that guy til he faked a hate crime. I have no patience for fuckers who do that shit.

Knitters are mean, yo.

The thing about putting together a letter out of cut out magazine letters is that it takes some serious goddamn dedication. That shit is time consuming as hell.

I’d love it if people would stop posting shit and then following it up with “let that sink in.”

I’m on a tear this week, clearly. Maybe I should delete some of this.

I dunno. I just read through and it’s not that bad.

I feel completely discombobulated this month. I’m so scattered. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I just REALLY hate that phrase.

Why do these people spend so much time talking about the weather and how well the roads have been plowed?

I’m pretty sure that this office has tainted me. I can’t get an interview to save my life. And when I finally do get one here or there, no one wants me.

“An alliance of heretics.” I’ll take it.

I just realized that I’m the oldest person in this office.

What a neat lady!

I instantly feel the urge to give businesses like this my money. Which is a problem, because I don’t have a lot of money.

I have no interest in this topic.

What was I even logged into?

Well. I think that went alright.

You guys.

Bitch. Listen.

Social Justice Extortionism


So tired of that word – unpack. Unpacking should refer to your luggage.

i know

I’m all for the new Psych movie. Yes, please, thank you.

Should I apply for this job I don’t actually want just to get out of here and also it’s more money? I guess.

Why won’t you stay where I put you?

You guys.

I’ve never read Joan Didion. Or that poet that just died. You can make of that what you will.

But it seems like she’s my kinda thinker: “Because when we start deceiving ourselves into thinking not that we want something or need something, not that it is a pragmatic necessity for us to have it, but that it is a moral imperative that we have it, then is when we join the fashionable madmen, and then is when the thin whine of hysteria is heard in the land, and then is when we are in bad trouble. And I suspect we are already there.

Is this cowboy times?




I don’t understand people who add their happy birthdays to someone in the comments of your happy birthday post. Go make your own happy birthday post. Weirdo.

There is absolutely no question whatsoever that I need this shirt.

I’ve probably offended her. I somehow manage to offend everyone.

I guess I just expected more support and encouragement from some people who know how hard I’ve been working on this shit. And instead I get nothing.

Yes. Yes, I am a bit bitter about it.


Frankly, I’m surprised he has the budget for this position, what with the current state of things.

You guys.

See how much gorram positive I’ve stuffed into this post this week?

Oh good. I sure hope this rain freezes as I’m trying to drive home in 50 minutes.

I want tacos.

I can’t find my copy of Lonesome Dove anywhere.

Huh. I got unfriended again. I wonder who it was.


Random Wednesday

This will always be one of my favorite photographs. It never fails to make me laugh.

Stormageddon looks so much like my Grandpa Norman.

Hello snow day number 4.5. I love you. Let’s be best friends.


Knee-jerk is the default. For everyone. Exhausting.

Welcome to our dystopian future.

I don’t even care about football.

You make everything worse. There’s nothing wrong with these napkins. Nothing. They’re kind of funny.

My pants smell weird.

Well. Thank your mom for being a lousy housekeeper, W and Stormageddon.

And all those farm animal germs.

I love you, caramel apple cider. You’re my real best friend.

I hate this town.

We don’t “need to talk” or “have a conversation” about anything. Cept death.

Well. I guess these people have nothing to hide.

This is fascinating and kind of brilliant.

I’m certainly not willing to pay people who are unwilling to work.

I wish I had a cinnamon roll.

This week is trying to kill me.

Ask again later.

What do I know? I don’t have a PhD in English, so clearly I’m a moron.

Gorram paywalls.

Yes please.

No 4H kid is ever gonna stop cuddling their chickens.

It’s not a lower bar, it’s just a more succinct one.

This is not a complicated process. Just follow the very incredibly easy instructions spelled out for you on the website.


The 1460s are my jam. Ma’am.

At least I take a minute to learn how to

I don’t know why I join these email lists. It’s not like I can afford to buy anything from these people.

Take your antisemitism elsewhere.

Yet another reason for a home funeral and burial in my own private cemetery.

First of all, WTF is Post Malone? Secondly, I just saw a photo of that thing on stage with the Chili Peppers at the Grammys and all I could think was if I saw any of these people on the street, I’d cross it with my hand on the grip of my pistol. How utterly repulsive. Anthony Kiedis has somehow evolved to look just exactly like what you picture when you think “child molester.” Put your tongue back in your mouth, freak show. Bleah. No thank you.

And getting back to that Post Malone thing. He’s a musician? What does he even do? WTF with those fucking prison tattoos all over his face? He’s repellent. Just no. Tattoo the shit out of yourself, I don’t care. I have tattoos. I want more. But this guy? Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. And what the hell kind of name is POST? Dude. Post is a cereal brand, not a name. And what is on his teeth???

Harrowing is such a good word.

Stop telling me what to do. No really.

Everywhere I am is just another thing with

jen with one n

hmmmm that’s a little weird for me, I think.

No thanks. I cannot stand Leonardo “But I really really really wanna be Jack Nicholson” DiCaprio.

I’m pretty sure Instagram knows I don’t own or even particularly like cats, and that is why they insist on filling my feed with ads for cat related crap. Diabolical bastards.

Why did I think Justin Theroux was Canadian or something?

I don’t actually care for Book Bug or This Is A Bookstore. I’d rather spend my money at apolitical institutions. Or at least institutions who don’t club me over the head with their politics.

I need to sit with your comments for a while.


It doesn’t matter if people are looking at my profile, LinkedIn. None of them are looking to offer me a kick ass job.

No matter how many times I say it, I will always stumble over hermeneutics.

Holy shit, I’m tired.

I kind of really love this a lot.

I would not.

But what if I just don’t care?


What has The Little Prince meant to you?

You can buy me a cup of coffee by hitting the tip jar over there to the right. You can tip me for all this quality awesome from mah brains. And by coffee I mean tea. And by tea I probably mean yarn.

Yes, but how does she plan to pay for it?

I prefer red sauce to cream sauce.

Huh. I had no idea we were shutting down our FL campus. That didn’t last long. Glad I didn’t go for a job down there. What a waste of money that venture was.

That dude is asking thirty bux for his used Champion fanny pack. I’m cracking up.

“Be specific!” OK. How bout we sell off California. Who needs California anyway?

I have to look up the definition of that word over and over because I cannot for the life of me ever remember what it means.

Um. This is not a”for-profit” university, dude.

I don’t really want to share him with you. Sorry.

I love how faculty bitch about students not following directions (I do it too) and then I send an email out to 150 faculty and 20% of them don’t follow directions.

My shoulder hurts.

Nothing like trying to dig a sliver out of your own thumb to really make your day a great one.

I used to smile with my teeth more.

I want the cookies but I don’t want to do the work to get the cookies. I clearly do not want the cookies bad enough.

I completely forgot what I was just going to say.


Random Wednesday

I don’t know this woman or her work, but to form a mob and suppress her work – work written from her own cultural perspective – in the name of social justice isn’t justice at all. It’s tyranny. It’s fascism. It’s evil. Stop this lunacy. If you don’t like what she has to say, don’t fucking read her book. Stop silencing people just because you disagree with them. You are destroying freedom one mindless chant, one Twitter mob, one Instagram feeding frenzy at a time.


Not to mention the irony of silencing an Asian woman’s perspective because it doesn’t track with YOUR view of how the world should be.

You know, I watched about 20 minutes of this movie before I couldn’t take it any more. Maybe every word of this is true, and if it is, it sounds like exactly the kind of beautiful film I’d love to witness. The problem with Mandy is that you have to bloody sit through Mandy.

People make me so angry. You can try to make the world a better place without destroying it in the process. Stop telling people what to do.



the light is too light

Hey. I don’t appreciate it when conservatives tell me what to do either. You’re not my fucking dad.

I have a dad, and you know what? He doesn’t tell me what to do.

What if I don’t want people to trust me in an apocalypse?

I don’t know who transcribed this shit, but they put commas in the weirdest damn places.

jen jen jen jen jen jen jen jen jen jen jen

I’m not much interested in self-flagellation, thanks. It serves no useful purpose.

Bleah Wil Wheaton. Bleah.


People who read their speeches as if they were reading some kind of narrative don’t really understand how to deliver speeches.

Today is my 7th anniversary in this college. Not a single one of them has been noted by anyone. I’m on my 5th dean. I’ve been here longer than anyone else. I am desperate to leave.

I wish I could have stayed home again today.

I wish, actually, that I could stay home all the time.

I miss that show.

I’m just a ghost in this machine.

People are clearly bored with me all over the place.

There’s not much worse than that perpetual feeling that you’re about to sneeze and not fucking sneezing.

I didn’t throw the match on this dumpster, but I ain’t rushing to put out the fire either.


I’m sick and sad. That’s a pathetic combination.

See? The only reason for that kind of post is to virtue signal. You don’t have to announce the “good deed” you did. Just do the deed and shut up about it.

I’m an excellent house guest. I’m quiet and I clean up after myself.


No, thank you, John Irving.

It makes me tense when I can’t see the clock.

I want pizza.

My head hurts.

What else is new.

You should go home. I’m such terrible company today.

I’d do well in a disaster though.

I should have been an engineer.

Nope. Still don’t care for Felicia Day.

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I figured.

Once again, I am wholly unable to get temperaturely comfortable.

That’s not what that means.

Is it a migraine or is it this cold? WHO CAN SAY?

I am falling behind now.

I’d love nothing more. Alas.

I’m not even going to proofread this.

What? I’m sick!

I’ve read several articles in the last week or so about people and social media and social media personalities that just illustrate to me how profoundly shallow and vapid this world has become. I mean I just hadn’t really noticed how bad it was. It just seems like nothing has any real worth any more.

Y’all make me tired, man.

Tired and lonely.

This is a sorry place.

I don’t know. I guess I miss the 90s. The 80s. The pre-internet everything.

i want all the stupid old shit. like letters and sodas.

I am the merest speck.



Random Wednesday

I’d like to be the kind of woman who can afford this. Alas. Sadness. I’m in love with that Frozen Bay colorway.

This shit? Is a good 50% of what is wrong with this country. It’s disgusting. Also, apologies for linking to such an awful site. Bleah.

I keep thinking I need to live outside my own head more, and then I peek out at the world and say “nope.”

I just picked up my glass of water to put it in my drawer instead of the thing I actually wanted to put in my drawer. I’m unhinged.

I don’t even like that song.

That is disgusting.

Is anyone else tired of Millennials whining about burnout?


If you’re a parent calling up and pretending to be your student, you’re kind of a dick. Cut that shit out.

Great. Now I’ve seen John Malkovitch’s butt. Thanks a lot.

might have be

Dear men everywhere – Never put tiny clip on roses in your beard. Just no. Ew.


Dentists should give out full containers of dental floss instead of these stupid sample containers. First of all, these are a waste of plastic. Secondly, they run out precisely when you need floss the most. Third, I have never, in my entire adult life, remembered to actually purchase a container of dental floss at the bloody store.

There are only two legitimate ways to arrange books: by genre and alphabetical. Anything else is a clear sign of mental illness.

Maybe it’s time to retire the Christmas card.

I miss my old space heater. I could always get the perfect temperature with it. This one sucks.

Huh. I thought Joy Williams’ album was already out. I don’t know where I got that idea.

Don’t expect me to make this easier on you.

There had better be cider.

No, we don’t have any sporks. Also why can’t you just use a real spoon?

Read also: Midwestern. Hey I’m both. Irish AND Midwestern. Dear God, I’m doomed from the start am I not? (The length of the leave-taking I mean. Not the abrupt leaving without goodbye – a practice I clearly need to adopt.) Look. I know what I mean here, and that’s really all that matters.

I know your claim to fame is being freaky fast, but sometimes you might want to slow the fuck down and actually make sure you’re constructing a sandwich correctly. I mean it’s just good business. You don’t have to be in my office five minutes after I place an order. I’ll survive if you don’t make it here for 10. Jesus.

Hell yeah, Hormel. Good on you!


I wish I had a way of knowing who unfollowed me on Instagram so I could unfollow them back.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

It’s Benny!

Um. Dude. It’s not Twitter that’s ruining American journalism. It’s American journalists who are ruining American journalism.

It’s the Golem!

“Are restaurants getting too loud?” Yes, and so is absolutely everywhere else.

It just seems incredibly ego-centric to have that kind of conversation, but what do I know?

Edgar does not have salmonella!

Everything does not have salmonella!!

How am I supposed to write four pages on this shit?

I wish I had some chips.

No. I wish I had a donut.

I pretty much always wish I had a donut. It’s true.

First of all, Zac Efron and heartthrob do not belong in the same sentence.

This is so fun, and also now I want one. I bet the kids would love it.

It’s funny thinking about that again. Sitting there saying the Rosary. Such a long time ago.

There have been colder actual temperatures in my lifetime, but I can’t remember a colder wind chill.

Um. I don’t know anyone who is grieving anything right now. How am I supposed to do this?

I mean, if you’re comfortable being a murderer, I guess that’s on you. You’ll have to forgive me if I disassociate myself from you entirely.

I was going to say “I think I’ll just post this tomorrow.” But we have another snow day tomorrow, which literally never happens, so I don’t know what I’ll do I guess.

We’ll all be surprised together!

I completely forgot that even existed.

I have a fundamental distrust for those people.

I don’t like not knowing what people really look like.

Maybe it’s the photographer in me.

Maybe it’s the Mulder.

Who can say?


Random Wednesday

Well. They can’t all be winners, I guess.

It was really funny in my head.


The snow day is throwing me off entirely. ENTIRELY.

Oh man. That was funny.

Dammit. Gonna have to find a new favorite Scotch now. Thanks a lot, Johnnie Walker. Bastards.

“Least Masculine Society In Human History Decides Masculinity Is A Growing Threat” So sad when satire is actually truth. Also I love you Babylon Bee.

Wow. These jokers get this wrong every. single. year. Unbelievable.

No one is ever bloody happy.

I for one would like to see the shutdown end in Thunderdome. But I’m a little bloodthirsty, so …

20 rounds per month?? What even is the point? Also why does anyone live in Oregon??

Here’s the thing I don’t get about My Favorite Murder. Why is everyone always showering them with gifts? Shit. I talk about murder and also death all the time and no one’s saying OMG JEN! Here’s a cross stitch of your face!!!

I like free shit too. That’s all I’m saying.

Well. At least that’s caught up. Still feeling woefully behind.

I thought Google+ was going away.

Sorry, Ash Williams.

Seems like it’d be really hard to pee in one of those blue Gillette catsuit thingies.

It never fails to crack me up when people use illicit when they mean elicit. It is never not funny.

What is it with Democrats and blonde women?

Where the fuck is Chuck?

Ohhhhhhh. I like that theory! That’s actually incredibly plausible.

Now this made me cry.

I’m just so fucking tired of ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING being politicized. It’s fucking SCOTCH. Just let it be Scotch. Just let me have my fucking Scotch.

I did my best every time. So. Whatever.

I don’t think you should get kudos for half assing the entire thing. But you will. Because that’s how it works.

It’s a shame you can’t mark email from your own organization as spam.

Sometimes I think “Maybe The Bustle is just REALLY clever satire …” But no. No it’s not. They’re completely serious. So tediously, obtusely serious.

This man is a hero.

I can’t help it if you don’t understand hyperbole when it’s slapping you in the face.

The Penguin Press Instagram account really needs a proofreader.

Damn. What’s a girl gotta do?

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder in the summer when there is no escape from the giant ball of face melting death floating in the painfully clear blue sky.


Why do I try to read The Atlantic. Ever.

I don’t care about this topic. I don’t want to go to this meeting. That could be said of nearly every single meeting I ever have to attend, actually.

Hey. I don’t smoke weed. I could be a marijuana billionaire. He’s probably a billionaire because he doesn’t smoke weed.

I still hate Zac Efron’s eyebrows.

If you’re not 17 years old or younger, stop making heart hands at people.

(Totally guilty of making heart hands for a photo. But also to my son. Who is FOUR, which makes it ok.)

I should go back to never posting on FB. I was doing alright when I was being self deprecatingly humorous. I think now I’ve just pissed people off.

But you literally just said the end of the world was nigh.

I was thinking about getting the mail, but I’d rather not break my neck on the ice.

“New York just protected access to abortion.” “New York just legalized murder of fully developed human babies.” I guess this sums it up for me – all of politics I mean.

I don’t want to know the kind of person who is OK with aborting a baby up to the moment of birth. Sorrynotsorry.

This woman just gets dumber and dumber.  But also more and more hilarious.

It kind of breaks my heart that people actually voted for that level of stupid purposely.

I got the mail!

OK Let’s just go with it.


Random Wednesday

Listen, just because something doesn’t bring me joy today doesn’t mean it won’t bring me joy three weeks from now. I can listen to The Replacements all day long for three days straight then need a three month break. Our affection for things comes and goes. Holding an object to see if it “brings you joy” seems like a stupid way to go about your life.

But what do I know? I definitely have too much stuff. I just think you need to take a more logical approach to minimizing that’s all. Stupid trends.

Nancy and Chuck are totally sleeping together.

Good luck getting that image out of your head now.

But what will they wear in the summer?

Let’s not question the validity of this study, but rather simply enjoy some Bill Knapp’s Celebration Cake every morning, shall we?

I am officially wasting time.

I get very very little sleep, so you know when I tell you I slept like shit that it must be pretty bad. And probably you should keep a safe distance.

If I never hear the phrase “fake news” again, I’ll die a happy woman.




Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’ve just made attempt number 347,000. We’ll see if this one ends up like all the others.

OK, but why lick the intercom? And for three hours! What’s appealing about that???

Oh look, yet another person bullied into submission by the internet. Fuck everybody.

Beware the narrative.

And may God have mercy on our souls.

This is just fucking exhausting.

Well. Good luck with that.

Goddammit. I knew this was a mistake.

Good thing the government is shut down, or they might have gotten ticketed for serving food without a permit.

Never apologize. They’ll eat you alive.

There. Another social media account nuked. Excellent.

Cosmik Fries? Really? So dumb.

OMFG enough with the Russia bullshit. Let it goooooooooooooo.

I’m not playing along with your aging nonsense.

“You should not grade on quality of writing.” What kind of foolishness is this? You should absolutely grade on quality of writing. I’d rather a student submit a 5 page paper that is written well and hits the points it needs to hit than a 10 page paper that was clearly agony to write and is agony to read. Sorry. If your students can’t write it’s because you’re not teaching them how to write.

Furthermore, forcing students to add more words to a response simply to meet a minimum length detracts from the quality of the response. It’s ridiculous and a terrible way to teach.

Every single time I type grief, I type it gried the first time and have to fix it.

How bout if you just stop telling everybody else what to do? I feel like I have to say this entirely too much.

OK, but what if this isn’t actually a problem?

I fully support this proposition.

That’s the least mangy looking coyote I’ve ever seen.

And now that I’ve wasted entirely too much time …

I don’t have an Instagram husband, but if I did, his name would be Aaron Eckhart and he would actually be Aaron Eckhart.

We’re all guilty of the occasional ridiculous typo. That’s just a fact.

This is a very poorly written article, but thank all the gods Peace Talks is still in the works. But also, holy shit are people being nasty about it on Facebook. Like they’re entitled to Butcher’s work somehow. Insane.

But I ate cake.

But I’d actually prefer that the brands I buy don’t try to proselytize to me about social shit.


I don’t care which side you’re on, that shit is funny.

Well. That is not good news at all.


If you don’t want me to participate in the conversation, don’t have such a public conversation.

Like I’d miss this.

I wrote that joy comment before the FB conversation. In case you were wondering. I don’t write this all in one day, you know.

Just. I dunno. Gimme some pizza.

That is the hottest priest I’ve ever seen.

Now I’m definitely going to hell.

I am definitely not qualified for that position.

If your job is “Influencer” or “Instagram Influencer” you are just asking for a punch in the neck.

Ha. Tiny garbage fairy.

I feel more outside the knitting community than ever before, and honestly, I’m kind of OK with it right now.

Whelp. No pay bumps for me.

Ooooooh! And also Ooooooh!

I just almost bought a hank of yarn I don’t even need JUST to support this woman. I managed to stop myself.

Wow. I really hate this class.

I have completely lost every last ounce of focus this week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I need to snap out of it.

My shoulder is killing me.

No this is terrible. I’ve basically wasted two entire days now. Haaaaaaaaaaalp.

I’ve now changed the description eleventy times. It should only need to be changed twelvety seven more and we’ll be good to go.


Random Wednesday

Ho-lee shit has it ever been busy today.

Also, once again, totally forgot today is Wednesday.

I’m tired of the politics around here. No more holding back. If you ask me, I’m going to tell you the truth. And the truth is, that bitch is out to get you.

something or other

I’ve been waiting for that stupid thing for months.

Stop being a dick about people being new to something, and maybe try to be helpful. You were new at everything once too.

It’s Muh-comb. Like “Bring me mah comb! Mah hair’s a mess!” Not Make-um. How do you look at Macomb and see Make-um?

Pretty much all of this. I noticed the other day that Stormageddon is already saying “Ope!” The 45 minutes at the door leave taking goes even further when it’s your grandparents who will continue talking to you til you’re at least half way down the driveway in your car. No lie.

Some gun nuts are entirely too nutty for me.

Man. There will never be any doubt that Stormageddon is my kid. Little weirdo.

I can’t read the title of the song “It Ain’t Me, Babe” without singing it in my head. I can only read it in song.

Michigan needs to get on this wagon. Right. Now.

I want this.

Hey, thanks for making Michigan look super classy, Rashida.

Stop trying to take this away from me.

If you’re going to be buried out west, I’m going to need a plane ticket.

Well. This should be an interesting semester.

Januhairy? Um. A world of no.

Stop spreading false narratives. You’re making absolutely everything worse.

Oh Christ. Here we go.

Why both a rod and a staff?

I would rather clean my toilet than read this book.

I would do this on the bus that I pay for with my taxes if the bus that I pay for with my taxes came anywhere near my bloody house so I could ride the bloody thing since I pay for it with my taxes.

I wouldn’t call it technology related memory loss. I’d say the memory is never formed in the first place if you’re relying on technology from the outset.

Wait, was that the season finale of Travelers?? Gotta say, that dude was easily my least favorite character.

Beta males need not apply.

Whelp. It’s a good day for this mac and cheese, that’s for sure.

Stupid snow.

And just like that, I forgot it was Wednesday again.

I was feeling pretty good about the plan. Today I am feeling kind of daunted by the plan.

I don’t like the word daunted. It sounds whiny.

blue blue blue blue blue blue blue

i can be a complicated communicator

I’m hungry and I want to go home.

Yeah, I’m totally hooked on Lost Dog Street Band. Thanks, Old Man.

Except I can’t get on board with that name. There are better names.

No, really. I’m hungry.

This drive is going to take much longer than usual.

There’s nothing to see here.

Move along.

No, really. I’m doing a book blog. I need to get the URL. I’ve already drafted the first post. I’ll move all the book posts over there too. Probably. Maybe.

Why do I constantly add new projects to my life? I do not have this much time.


Owwwwwwwwwwwwww I am reasonably certain my knee is absolutely not supposed to do that.

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