It’s not “Trump’s America.” It wasn’t “Obama’s America” and it wasn’t “Bush’s America” and it wasn’t any other president’s America. It’s OUR America. And the sooner everybody starts taking responsibility for their contribution to OUR America, the better. Grow the hell up.

Whatever. I knit in public all the time.

Oh France. Bless your heart.

My bangs are only the perfect length for about two weeks. The rest of the time they’re either too short or too long.

I’m reasonably certain I’d have a good 25% less head pain if you’d just stop trying to hide the fact that you’re a smoker by dousing yourself in cheap ass perfume that everyone thinks is stinky anyway.

I hate Doppelcooper’s hair.

I wish this was a real book.

“These days, being called a “white supremacist” is only different from being called a witch in that they don’t even bother dunking you in the river before declaring you guilty.”

Bitches about “anti-intellectualism,” uses tenant when he means tenet.

I really only ever wanted to be one of the cool kids. And that’s just never gonna happen.

I wish I were more likeable, but I’m just not.

I need to quit the internet.

I am not even looking at you right now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RED!!!!!!!!

What? It’s a very menacing hand dryer.

Perfect score on the Norwegian American quiz. Duh.

It’s like watching a live action bobble head. Jesus.

I just cannot.

I’ve unsubscribed from so many emails in the last week. It’s awesome. I need to do more.

And THIS RIGHT HERE is why I need departments to notify me of the gorram CRNs they assign to us. So we can avoid these exact problems.

Thanks so much for adding an extra 30 minutes to Stormageddon’s bus ride every day. P.S. I hate you.

I’m so cantankerous.

And also unlikeable.

One complication after another.

I need more dental floss.

I am going to read this book on campus censorship and wave the white flag until the universe stops kicking me.

Thanks, Facebook. I know how unfriending works.

Yes, and that message is “Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.”

I don’t even know how to respond to you. Obviously I wouldn’t have said anything if I couldn’t smell it.

I just don’t think anyone would even notice if I did.

I don’t even know who Joel Osteen is.

Linda Sarsour, on the other hand. Still a despicable human being.

Why am I hungry? I really don’t think I should be hungry right now.

Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day. Hello. How are you? Have a nice day.

I like stories like this. He’s a good egg.

You see what happens? You try to be nice to someone and it just blows up in your face.

I CAN’T HUMAN.

That’s when you kick them out of the house and lock the door. Then go back in 30 minutes to see if anyone needs stitches.

Hashtag Mom of the Year

I miss you, Rollinghead. Also I miss my Daddyhorse CD, which I cannot find anywhere, and that makes me very sad.

Also I was at that show. That was a great show.

I think Exec Ass is hilarious. You should just leave the T off Asst and go with it. I wonder if anyone would even notice.

Today has been stupid and I need to GTFOI.

JDLR