the shot i didn’t use for the random confederacy round 2 on this week.

I’m sorry, my house seems to have gotten in the way of your golf balls.

Reminded, again, that I’m not very good at speaking Human. But I try. And I’m a good friend to have.

I’ll explain everything to the geese.

I love you, quesadilla.

Honor Roll Fairy Princess, and Other Reasons No One Will Talk to Me

Seems accurate.

None of us are as clever as we think we are.

This will make you smile. I promise.

Unless you’re Joe.

Just kidding, Joe.

Kind of.

Yeah, this is worth a chuckle or two.

“Oatmeal is still the world’s best performance breakfast.” Maybe. But I still hate oatmeal.

But how do you just let this happen on the side of your house for fuck sake. I MEAN JESUS MAN.

I think it’s selfish and rude to wait until two weeks before you plan to scatter the patriarch’s ashes in another state to invite the majority of the family. Really kind of feels like this was done purposely. I have no doubt that the people you wanted there knew about this well in advance.

My new hygienist told me I don’t look old enough to have a 15 year old. Even if she was just being nice, I appreciated it.


Yes, children. I am drinking a hot cup of black coffee. This fucking place has reduced me to new lows.

Dear Stephanie Moore, DEAR GOD NO. Sincerely, me.

I’d interview John Douglas.

Who wants to help fund my podcast about death? Looking for executive producers. I need a little equipment and I’m poor.

Maybe I’ll go to Bilbo’s for lunch. If I stay here someone will just interrupt my personal time. Like they do every goddamn day.

Plus I love pizza.


Just go ahead and admit that you don’t really want me there anyway, and we can all move on with our lives.

Who am I kidding. I’m not going to Bilbo’s.

Oh good. Now Instagram is broken.


There’s lunch interruption number 1.


Now I can’t stop listening to The National. Of course.

Man. Every time I take a shower and decide not to wash my hair, “Nah, I’m just gonna shave and move on with my life.” I regret it five minutes after getting out of the bloody shower.

Hello, rain, my beautiful friend.

It’s not lyme.

Every time I write ANYTHING I go back and read it over and think “This is bad, this should say this, I should have said it this way, this is dumb, why did I write this? I should have added this.” Ad motherfucking nauseum.

These are really beautiful! I’d love to have that owl.


Why do people always think libertarians are being bought? Because we believe in a capitalist society? Free markets forevah? At this point I WISH someone would pay me off.


Now this is a tragedy.

It won’t kill you to get ice out of the old fashioned ice tray. It’s the same fucking water.

I thought the Arsenal of Democracy was Detroit?

I’m doing my best.

I should take a nap when that meeting gets underway. HA.

My eyes are all bleary. I need new contacts. I need to go to Walmart and order new contacts.

I will never read that book. I don’t know why I’ve added it to my list.

I can’t make people show up for meetings.

I can just close my left eye, like a pirate.

We’re all strangers now.

Come back, rain!

Honestly. I am almost in just the exact right mood to just remove this list of people from my FB contacts.

Honestly. I am almost in just the exact right mood to just delete my FB account entirely.

Someone is going to bitch at me about this. Well let me just stop you right here – my feelings were hurt first. So I guess we’re even.

How’s that for grade school?

T minus less than an hour til my 4 day weekend and it cannot come soon enough.

I probably have some kind of nerve or muscle disorder. This is going to suck.

More likely – run all the tests, “We can’t find anything wrong with you. SHRUG.” And I’ll remain in pain and miserable.

Once again, I don’t need yet another email from you telling me I’ve been unsubscribed from your emails.

I need some zen, chickens. I need some zen.