antijenx

nobody here but us chickens

Random Wednesday

sunflower planted by Stormageddon.

Some weeks Random is hugely popular. Some weeks I might get 3 likes if I’m lucky. I just never know. It’s weird.

When did you get old?

I’m tired of the Russian Mob trope in TV shows. I instantly lose interest when it comes up.

Wow. I had no idea!

I don’t think anything I’ve done warrants being attacked by ground bees every time they dig a hole on my Compound.

Maybe the ground bees were a message.

I’m soooooooo excited about the new season of Jack Ryan. Such a good show.

Wow. I spent literal years of my life in a dark room. This saddens me greatly.

I don’t think people should have been mean about it though. There’s no reason on this Earth that the kid would know what a dark room is.

HOW did I not know about this???

I feel like this is what I want for dinner every day. But with not adventurous cheese.

SERIOUSLY??

OMG STOP CRACKING YOUR GUM

This is actually nuts. But also didn’t Obama float something along these lines? I seem to recall he did. Maybe his wasn’t forced though … Whatever. This is nuts.

This is also totally fucking nuts. *Update* The prosecuting attorney dropped the charges.

I completely forgot that it’s Wednesday. Which seems to be happening a lot lately.

Now I’m gross. Stupid basement.

Now it’s Newt Gingrich. Leave me alone, dammit!

“You gotta stop talking to me over the wall, kid.”
“Sorry.”
45 seconds later …

Ooph.

Bitch, please.

This is strangely hypnotic and beautiful.

Ha. Like 10 people have sent me the link to the new death museum in Mt Clemens. That is awesome.

Human beings are actually designed to eat meat. It’s a biological fact that we are omnivores.

safe from what?

be calm bee balm- now with more calm

Well. That was interesting.

I don’t know how you start your vacation, but I start mine by being woken up by a migraine and the urgent need to vomit. Good times.

I’m not really a Luke Bryan fan, but this song is pretty great. He’s allegedly playing a farm just up the road from me this fall. That’s kind of cool. That he does that, I mean.

I like the Irish theme song better.

I have a Meijer cupcake problem. Don’t judge me.

Have I mentioned that before?

The acting in this particular episode of Crossing Jordan is especially atrocious.

dreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd

So much dread.

Wow. It’s been non-stop since I walked in the door.

Holy shit. I don’t want to jinx anything, and I know it’s only been one day, but my new boss is kind of amazing.

See. I actually really like this song.

You know I can’t stand Bill Maher, but this is pretty good.

hot cold hot cold hot cold hot cold hot cold

I need to get this book read. I have no motivation to read this book.

He probably left her over the abortion cake.

Why the hell did he marry her in the first place, anyway? So weird.

Maybe I should learn to play an instrument.

Maybe after I graduate I should start martial arts of some kind.

Maybe after I graduate I should take an obscenely long vacation somewhere I’ve always wanted to go.

I suppose I should start saving all the monies.

This is the best deal, maybe ever

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Lonesome Me

here’s my printed out book cover on account of my book has disappeared. or it was stolen. it could have been stolen. you don’t know.

Hello, intrepid chickens! Did you miss me? I know, it’s been ages since I made a book post.

Today I bring you …. Lonesome Dove! Lonesome Dove was recommended to me by several people. Read Lonesome Dove! You’ll LOOOOOOVE it! Fee Waybill went on and on one night in my dining room at a party about how much he loved the Lonesome Dove series. So I thought I’d give it a try. I mean, Fee Waybill. SURELY he would not steer me wrong. Right?

crappy photo of a photo of fee as frank in rocky horror that i shot for the Barn Theatre some years back. i was looking for the photo of him on the floor with my dog at the party i mentioned, but can’t currently find it.

I started reading it. I got a couple of hundred pages in. And holy hell was it a slow burner. So I put it down. I thought I’d take a break. Come back to it later.

And now I can’t bloody find it.

It has completely disappeared off the face of the Earth. My house has eaten it. My house consumes books at an alarming rate. It’s swallowed at least two copies of Atlas Shrugged, along with every copy of 1984 we ever had (and we’ve had several). Of course I still have two different covered copies of A Clockwork Orange.

It’s bizarre.

here’s a picture i took of it in 2014. it wasn’t long after this that it disappeared.

I left off somewhere around the part where they decide to go ahead and do another cattle raid. Does that sound familiar? I don’t know. Maybe I’m imagining it.

But now if I want to find out, I’ll have to buy a new copy. And you know as soon as I buy a new copy, it will turn up. Because that’s what happens every. single. time I lose something. So I’ll keep looking, I guess. But I am putting this in the can’t seem to finish category because I was genuinely having trouble loving it. But also it’s physically impossible to finish it!

I can see how I’d love this book in film or series form (though I’ve never watched the televised/filmicized version of the tale). I think I’d love it if it weren’t so bloody loooooooooooooong and excruciatingly detailed. I mean I was really starting to feel like I was there in Texas, living the drought, smelling the stink, hacking up a lung. So. I guess McMurtry’s pretty good at realism. But man.

Anyway. Every time I think of this book that I am unable to finish, I get Galveston stuck in my head. I know it’s blasphemy, but I like David Nail’s version better than the Glen Campbell original. And I love Glen Campbell.

Have you read Lonesome Dove? Thoughts? Anyone want to send me a new copy? I think I bought mine off Alibris, so I suppose I could find another one there. I love Alibris.

jentober, contemplating the whereabouts of her copy of this epic tome. and also the unnatural smoothness of her skin using the self portrait camera on her phone.

Did I send you my copy? That’s a possibility too. In my giving away all the books frenzy. So. Many. Books. Maybe I thought “I’m never going to finish this nine thousand page book, I’m just going to ship it on to someone else.” That seems like something I’d do and promptly forget about.

Also? Every time I type Lonesome Dove, I type Loneseome Dover and have to fix it. Every. Time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and neither do you.

P.S. You’ll notice I have not yet launched my book blog. That’s for many many reasons including being HEAVILY focused on my MA practicum. Also I’m planning a podcast. For reals, yo. So it’ll all come together in the end. Truuuuuuust me.

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Random Wednesday

I just can’t really explain how this feels, and I’m pretty sure that people don’t believe me when I tell them.

I’m quite sure that the doctors don’t believe I experience these side effects.

I should just quit going to doctors. Except my chiropractor. I like him.

Plus he smells nice.

Nobody wants to hear me complain. What am I even doing here.

I hate Detroit. But hey, y’all have Juggalos, and they already know how to thwart facial recognition software, so maybe you should think about changing your style.

That health assessment makes me irrationally angry. But it saves me 20 bux a pay period, which adds up. Bastards.

So cool!

I’m perpetually torn between wishing I had a lunch date and not wanting to speak to other humans on my lunch.

OK, chanting “send her back” is classless. Cut that shit out.

Man. I have life insurance. Stop emailing me about how I’m gonna die.

Did I say this here, or only in my head? I was talking somewhere about the Trump digs, etc. at the conference. Attending really was a privilege for me, and I do believe it was worth my time. But Heterodox really does have an issue with representation. I said that it was much like the representation at a typical university – a handful of cons in a sea of progs. Trump’s name should never have come up at all. But whatever. I still think it was a valuable use of my time, for the most part.

Except that one panel I sat through. EGO EGO EGO. And all progs. Every one. Waste. Of. Time.

This is clearly not going to be enough coffee.

bless you

Kalamazoo College is not “suburban.” It’s in the middle of the fucking city. It’s two blocks from us. We’re not suburban either.

I think we’re the “someones.”

!!!!! This is probably my favorite ‘Mats album altogether.

It never ends. Interesting side note – Kathy’s family became U.S. citizens after emigrating from China.

Immigrating?

I never know which one to use.

Also, I keep being told that only white people can be racist. So how is a Chinese American even capable of racism?

I was telling a friend that the constant progressive correction of all the things reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons (way back when I still watched the Simpsons) where Ned Flanders is lamenting something I can’t recall and he’s questioning his faith and God and says something along the lines of how he always follows what the Bible says, “even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!” There is no way you can ever be “right” in a progressive world. Not when feelings trump all.

OK, yeah, but. The bear was tranquilized. In the ocean. Dude probably wasn’t likely to get eaten or mauled. Drowned maybe. But whatever. Good on you for saving the bear. That was a good thing. This makes me sound like a bit of a dick maybe.

But stop overinflating things I guess is my point. Loads of people could save a tranquilized bear. Maybe he was the one who tranquilized the bear in the first place. We don’t know.

I should stop talking now.

I gotta stop veering into these moods where I just criticize everything. Maybe if I had a less toxic work environment …

I think Walt’s abrupt killing off in Season 6 is weird. And abrupt. And weird. I really don’t even remember any of this season.

Maybe I’ll just delete all that.

Once again, questioning whether I should even continue Random at all.

Haaaa this is fantastic.

It’s not like it’s a secret that – self censorship engaged

Actually. Re-reading this. It’s not that bad.

I already answered that question.

Hmmm. Unfriended again. I never know who it was. It’s a puzzle.

I think people are getting tired of me.

Maybe I should learn to play an instrument.

Also, Mr. Rogers was talking to children. Not grown ass adults who should be the ones doing the helping.

I say again, I just never felt the same connection to Mr. Rogers that evidently the rest of my generation did.

And those puppets creeped me the fuck out.

I’ve never cared for rhubarb.

I do enjoy zucchini though.

My shoes are stinky. And now you know that about me.

At least these particular shoes anyway.

I would love to see what happens to Detroit under a $20/hr minimum wage. A city that lost more than a quarter of its population in a decade, filed for bankruptcy, and has been struggling for survival. Sure. Go ahead. I bet they’d still re-elect her. Michigan would be OK if we could just give the east side back to Canadia.

Eating should not be this complicated. This is why I need a personal chef. Or something.

Why did Orwell have such weird hair?

Look I tried to read the New Yorker article on Al Franken, but I just couldn’t finish it. Y’all are whining about due process now?

Well. What shall I re-watch now?

I can’t be that goth if I like New Order better than Joy Division.

I don’t think that student was especially impressed with me.

Great, now Karl Rove is emailing me. Listen, Karl. Just because I let you get a picture with me that one time doesn’t make us friends.

GULP

I just have a hard time seeing this as anything other than using the law to force a woman to do something against her will – essentially state sanctioned sexual assault. I don’t believe anyone, ever, should be forced to perform any kind of service they’re not comfortable with. This guy is clearly not truly trans. This guy is clearly a predatory monster. This is insane.

These photos are the best thing you’ll see today.

The scariest thing about this house is that it’s in California.

FINALLY

What kind of lunatic turns down an offer of $22K to wipe out children’s debt? This whole thing is insane.

I serve on a University wide committee. I volunteered for every sub-committee entirely because it would get me out of this office regularly. This place is a toxic hell.

You guys. Rutger Hauer.

I’m trying to come up with some of my favorite movies and I can’t think of a single one. Also it’s been a ridiculously long time since I’ve watched a movie.

My head is really turning the pain level up to 11 this week. I don’t know what’s going on, but JESUS.

This post is probably long enough. Probably.

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Be a Helper

Listen, I love to hate Amanda Palmer. She bugs the shit out of me, but I’m morbidly fascinated by her lunacy. I do enjoy a very small handful of her songs. (Mostly it’s all whiny political bullshit and hey abortion is self care so suck it, which is not OK with me.) I’ve used a lyric or two in a photo caption. I even shot a self portrait for the Three Women Project that was a reinterpretation of one of her photos, though it was meant to be humorous (and I kind of got in a dig in the description). Plus I like the occasional Neil Gaiman photos, because despite his loony politics, I’m still a fan of his work. But she puts herself out there, with what I feel like is an open invitation for people to criticize her. I genuinely think she feels like it’s a win when people attack her.

This is less an attack and more of a wildly incredulous WTF is wrong with you  people?

I’ve been thinking about this post for days and I’m still pissed off about it. I read it Saturday and immediately sent it to my Ali and ranted about it and ranted about this mindset and thought that my usual routine of sharing with my closest and ranting for a bit would get it out of my system. But it didn’t. I’m still utterly flabbergasted that this is the way her evening went down, if this is indeed a factual representation of events.

Done reading it yet? Great. Please tell me I’m wrong in thinking that …

THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS that this problem could have been solved that did not include “sit around and tweet my despair for six hours waiting for an ambulance to arrive in a major metropolitan city.”

For instance: Put her in a car and drive her to A&E yourselves. (That’s what they call the ER over there in the monarchy, but just always makes me think of the cable channel on which I used to watch City Confidential.) No car? Call a taxi. Tag an Uber or Lyft. Take a bus. (You moved her so she’d be more comfortable, so clearly you weren’t that concerned about damaging her further.)

Or how about this? You spend your entire career crowdsourcing everything from props to places to play to places to stay. Why not instead of tweeting your despair, tweet a request for an EMT? Surely someone who is qualified could have been found. Call a private ambulance service – you most certainly have the money for it.

Failing all of that, stick her in a bloody wagon and walk her to Emergency.

But you didn’t do any of those things.

Instead, you bragged about treating them to a lovely meal, you bragged about trying to keep her spirits up with song, you only went to bed when they insisted on it. And you all just sat around waiting for someone else to come along and solve your problem for you, while you blamed conservatives for your woes and managed to turn this into a metaphor for America. Bet you still think socialism is the tits though, don’t you? How long do you think you’d have to wait for an ambulance in the U.S.? (From my Googling, it looks like the national average is around 14 minutes. Granted that’s subject to vary depending on location. 14 minutes. Not 6 hours.) What if she were having a fucking heart attack? You’d just sit there and watch her die, I guess. Because Tories.

But this just exemplifies for me everything I hate about progressivism: You won’t get off your ass and fix the problem. You fully expect someone else to do it for you. Tory cuts? Where do you think the money comes from? It’s like Margaret Thatcher said – (and obviously I’m paraphrasing) eventually you’ll run out of other people’s money. There’s no excuse for making that poor woman wait 6 fucking hours for an ambulance. You should have acted.

OK, I’m done now. It just makes me so angry. “If you can, you must” my ass. You tell this big tale of woe to say that help is not on the way, and yet, you still did nothing to help. You could have been the help. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s more to the story that she didn’t share. I don’t know. I wasn’t there, obviously. I would never have been invited. I can only go on what she chose to share with the world. And what she chose to share with the world is absurd. It could have been a post to say “I realize I should have been the help. I wish I had acted in this way.” But it wasn’t. It was a post to say America is doomed. Because Tories. Because conservatives. Because someone should be solving these problems for us.

I have no patience for that.

Mr. Rogers said look to the helpers. How about you just be a helper?

Also? That’s not how you use excoriating. Just FYI.

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Random Wednesday

the “indian trail”

I can’t believe there isn’t one photo of them actually in the wild in this whole story. So disappointing.

red-hot news in the firefly community

I, for one, miss the character driven action movie for adults.

Jesus, Lord. Just take a piece of candy and go. You don’t need to rifle through the whole damn candy bowl, stand there opening your choice, then make all the mouth noises ever while you consume your sugar.

A damn fine man.

No, really. Stop emailing me, Mitch. I don’t know you.

OMG Beard & Goldfish HA. I could play with that site all day. Legion & Fang is also a good one.

This is hilarious.

NEVER AGAIN

This list is fucking appalling. McCarthyism at its finest. Anyone who doesn’t find that list terrifying is the exact kind of person who stood next to Hitler and Stalin and Mao and so may others, and said “this is for the greater good of our people.”

I work with someone who absolutely will not be corrected and her mistakes have actually cost us money. But whatevs. What do I know? I’m just an executive assistant. Nobody has to listen to me.

Sorry, but if burning the American flag is protected by the First Amendment, then burning ANY flag is protected by the First Amendment. And rightly so.

I’ve actually known this was coming up for months, but I love that so many of my people tagged me on it. SOMEDAY!

So many links this week. Sheesh!

Dave

God dammit. Now Newt Gingrich is emailing me again. How do I get on these stupid lists?

It’s just me. I’m an asshole.

There’s no reason to hold staff meetings in the summer. And yet.

hungry

WTF did you do, dude.

I knew things were leaning this way after hearing about the famous case of Kitty Genovese. The claim was that no one helped, no one called police, etc. because everyone assumed someone else already had. This case is used in training even here on campus to teach people to act. The thing is, people are naturally inclined to act, reflexively. Even in the Genovese case, dozens of people called police after hearing her screams. People tried to find her and were not able to.

While you’re at it, go ahead and read this. Is the president an ass? Yes. Is what he said racist? I don’t believe that it was. But stating that makes me a racist. He shouldn’t have said what he did. Or he should have said it more eloquently and intelligently. But he made a legitimate point.

You shouldn’t have been there.

OOPS.

oops.

Oops.

Wait. I’m from Michigan.

Ope. Things got weird and I forgot what day it was again.

Gotta come up with a Halloween/Death talk with video. I’ve been asked to present. The right vid is tough to find.

But why would you do this though. So much dumb.

I feel like this is the kind of job I should be doing instead of the ridiculous job I am doing.

I would like to be not in the office.

Chris Pratt seems like one of the most genuinely nice guys in the world. This kind of shit is petty and tiresome.

It’s a quibble with the Karen hair, ladies and gentlemen.

Look. Just leave. It’s fine. No one cares.

It’s a death reading list!

We will suspend your social security number posthaste!

I definitely need more headache drugs. Definitely.

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Random Wednesday

i’m not the only one who took a photo of this phone booth in the wild.

Millennium was one of the greatest television shows ever made. This is an old story, but an interesting comparison.

Wow.

The live action Mulan looks pretty kick ass.

But I can’t wait for the new Maleficent.

I feel like “Black Noir” is kind of redundant.

God I miss film. Maybe that’s why I’m so MEH about photography lately. Maybe I need to get into some FILM.

Maybe I’ll just take my 35mm on the road with me this weekend.

Revisiting places I thought I’d never see again.

This weekend is not enough time.

It’s really only one day, with the driving.

The last thing we need is more roosters.

No butter is worth $50 per pound.

WHAT is wrong with this stupid email?

I probably better tone that shit down a little.

I suppose I’m in no position to judge.

The difference between us is that I’ll never be convinced that what I do matters, while you’re absolutely convinced of your own vital importance.

I think you mean faint. Not feint.

“Unsending” a message on Instagram is a miracle. I did not mean to “react” to your story post, you horrible creature.

I have just realized I have nothing nice to say about anything just now. So I shall stop.

Tiny Statue of Liberty!!!

I feel like a lump today.

There’s never a bad day to drum up some outrage. P.S. Hey Brooke Newman? That’s not why they feel marginalized.

Sometimes you have to try a little harder.

I think this website is broken.

I regret the olives.

I barely slept last night and I do not know why.

It’s probably because of this place.

Wow, people really like this dress.

Really. Everyone could use an hour of laughing their ass off with me. I’m hilarious.

Why is Mitch McConnell emailing me? I can’t help you with your problems, Mitchell. I can’t even fix my own shit.

Ooooh another unfriending. I wonder who it was.

WTF am I supposed to do with this kid?

Oh good. It currently “feels like” 98 degrees. I can’t wait to walk into that wall of awful.

I don’t know what it is about that little girl’s voice, but if she doesn’t shut up I might start throwing things.

You’re selling a refrigerator and you can’t even be bothered to clean it? “Needs to be wiped out. 5 minute job.” Take five minutes and clean it, bitch. Nobody wants your gross dirty refrigerator.

Townsend 2020 : I keep reaching for duct tape.

This is hilarious.

“I’m tempted on this day to remind you that there’s nothing inherently dangerous about a sneaker company currying favor with a woke athlete, or fellow citizens complaining about displays of patriotism and military might. On the other hand, I think Ronald Reagan was right when he said we’re always one generation away from losing the freedoms we currently enjoy. Along with the siren song of socialism, the persistent promise of ‘free’ stuff, and the breathtaking level of censorship on our college campuses, I worry about the growing belief among many that we can somehow improve our present by erasing our past; by toppling statues, outlawing ‘problematic’ symbols, or rewriting specific pieces of our history in ways that leave us feeling less offended.”

I love you Mike Rowe.

God I hate florals.

i need to find some lower thinking

This is legit a bleak as fuck book. Definitely not for the newly trying to be death positive.

Kinda wish you could still get No Doz.

sooooooooo dizzy.

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Random Wednesday

the shot i didn’t use for the random confederacy round 2 on lymtml.com this week.

I’m sorry, my house seems to have gotten in the way of your golf balls.

Reminded, again, that I’m not very good at speaking Human. But I try. And I’m a good friend to have.

I’ll explain everything to the geese.

I love you, quesadilla.

Honor Roll Fairy Princess, and Other Reasons No One Will Talk to Me

Seems accurate.

None of us are as clever as we think we are.

This will make you smile. I promise.

Unless you’re Joe.

Just kidding, Joe.

Kind of.

Yeah, this is worth a chuckle or two.

“Oatmeal is still the world’s best performance breakfast.” Maybe. But I still hate oatmeal.

But how do you just let this happen on the side of your house for fuck sake. I MEAN JESUS MAN.

I think it’s selfish and rude to wait until two weeks before you plan to scatter the patriarch’s ashes in another state to invite the majority of the family. Really kind of feels like this was done purposely. I have no doubt that the people you wanted there knew about this well in advance.

My new hygienist told me I don’t look old enough to have a 15 year old. Even if she was just being nice, I appreciated it.

COFFEE?!

Yes, children. I am drinking a hot cup of black coffee. This fucking place has reduced me to new lows.

Dear Stephanie Moore, DEAR GOD NO. Sincerely, me.

I’d interview John Douglas.

Who wants to help fund my podcast about death? Looking for executive producers. I need a little equipment and I’m poor.

Maybe I’ll go to Bilbo’s for lunch. If I stay here someone will just interrupt my personal time. Like they do every goddamn day.

Plus I love pizza.

pizzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Just go ahead and admit that you don’t really want me there anyway, and we can all move on with our lives.

Who am I kidding. I’m not going to Bilbo’s.

Oh good. Now Instagram is broken.

I CAN’T GET ANY ZEN TODAY.

There’s lunch interruption number 1.

BLEAH

Now I can’t stop listening to The National. Of course.

Man. Every time I take a shower and decide not to wash my hair, “Nah, I’m just gonna shave and move on with my life.” I regret it five minutes after getting out of the bloody shower.

Hello, rain, my beautiful friend.

It’s not lyme.

Every time I write ANYTHING I go back and read it over and think “This is bad, this should say this, I should have said it this way, this is dumb, why did I write this? I should have added this.” Ad motherfucking nauseum.

These are really beautiful! I’d love to have that owl.

Appalling.

Why do people always think libertarians are being bought? Because we believe in a capitalist society? Free markets forevah? At this point I WISH someone would pay me off.

Jesus.

Now this is a tragedy.

It won’t kill you to get ice out of the old fashioned ice tray. It’s the same fucking water.

I thought the Arsenal of Democracy was Detroit?

I’m doing my best.

I should take a nap when that meeting gets underway. HA.

My eyes are all bleary. I need new contacts. I need to go to Walmart and order new contacts.

I will never read that book. I don’t know why I’ve added it to my list.

I can’t make people show up for meetings.

I can just close my left eye, like a pirate.

We’re all strangers now.

Come back, rain!

Honestly. I am almost in just the exact right mood to just remove this list of people from my FB contacts.

Honestly. I am almost in just the exact right mood to just delete my FB account entirely.

Someone is going to bitch at me about this. Well let me just stop you right here – my feelings were hurt first. So I guess we’re even.

How’s that for grade school?

T minus less than an hour til my 4 day weekend and it cannot come soon enough.

I probably have some kind of nerve or muscle disorder. This is going to suck.

More likely – run all the tests, “We can’t find anything wrong with you. SHRUG.” And I’ll remain in pain and miserable.

Once again, I don’t need yet another email from you telling me I’ve been unsubscribed from your emails.

I need some zen, chickens. I need some zen.

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Random Wednesday

I think that jar of coffee leaked on my book. A little bit.

I freely admit I’ve never read Jack Kerouac and it’s because it was the trendy thing to do in college and so I resisted. It seemed so cliche. Now, I feel like I need to look at some of his work, as I’ve learned more over the years about who he was.

Hey. I don’t knit some patterns for the same reason. Speckles aren’t that hot, and I am so over the fade trend.

I’m still annoyed at the ambiguity of that KAL.

Why should I have to leave? I was here first.

This is actually heaven. Let’s move.

This is really a special kind of torture.

It’s fine. I don’t need to be invited. I don’t even care at all. I’m probably busy anyway.

Deceased is not actually a verb.

Don’t get pissy with me, I don’t make the rules.

Wow. The tuition at that school is more than I make in a year.

I’d like to take this moment to recognize the teenager for trapping the mouse (and writing a note warning me, complete with illustrations) that fell into the cup of grease on the counter. And the husband for dealing with the grease coated mouse (that did not die from a grease overdose) trapped in the cup as I was not about to touch that mess while getting ready for work. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of the many, many, many reasons that men are indispensable.

Well, I’ve seen the word jape. How has an English major never seen the word jape?

Wow. I wish I could have visited this island on the New York trip. I’d just spend my whole visit there shooting, to be honest.

“And she was Loretta Lynn’s sister.”
“She still is.”

But why don’t you just knock on the wall the number of statues that you see?

Don’t pick your teeth while I’m talking to you. I am not your wife.

Shit.

It’s not emashiated. Stop saying emashiated. It’s e-mace-e-ated. Come on.

ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch

describle

Oh right. There’s the imposter syndrome again. WTF am I?

So many “in case there was any doubt” posts. So self-righteous. Professional Scolds.

Oh look. I’m quoted in The Post Millennial.

Ooooooh. I have a new judicial crush.

My face hurts.

Wait. How would a trans woman ever need an abortion? That’s not even biologically a thing. WTAF.

Oh. I need some of the roadside memorial photos for this. Duh.

I’ll just spend tomorrow putting this shit together in publisher. Yep. For workshops no one is going to attend and I can’t find locations for. WHEEEEEE

Hey. Would y’all listen to my podcast about death? I’ll need subscribers. It won’t be morbid. Usually.

I admit I did not read past the headline, but I’m not sure that narrative ever matters more than fact.

Wait. This math does not compute. I think this is still wrong.

If the future is female, I’ll stay here in the present, thanks.

The longer this KitKat sits here, the less I want to eat it. Why do I take candy? It just gets old.

All it takes is a jackhammer, man.

Yep. I was there. Sounded better when you could just hear the whole crowd though. Ha. Here you go.

Yes. Yes, I did buy the overpriced t-shirt.

all the very best of us

This is what I mean by selective memory and selective outrage from the left. Don’t pretend like this shit just magically started under Trump, because you know damn well your lord and savior built those facilities and enacted those policies.

I’m feeling some serious melancholy today.

Alright, look.

Dude. It’s fine. Stop re-sending it.

Why am I even bothering to look at the job postings? There’s never anything there.

I’ve never seen Eyes Wide Shut.

I’m starving.

When am I not starving?

I did alright in New York, actually. I ate very little the whole time I was there. So strange. I need to get back into that frame of mind somehow.

I hate my summer hair.

Must be weird, being treated like a rock star everywhere you go. I wonder if that changes how you see yourself.

Two days with people who treat you like you have something of value to contribute then back to the reality of people treating you like you’re nothing more than your job title.

OK This is ridiculous.

I will not feel mentally shitty. You can’t make me.

I’ma go eat some pizza or something. And take migraine drugs. And tell Stormageddon how much I like his bloody horror drawings. And stuff. And things.

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Random Wednesday

JESUS. I am not ready to change my password again. CHRIST.

So. No one wants to hang out with me in NYC then? Whatevs. It’s totally fine. I don’t even care. I go places by myself all the time.

I wandered around Austin by myself for a full day. I can do New York.

This is an interesting read. It’s also refreshing that such a liberal magazine recognizes the truth of the horror of bureaucracy in the Soviet Union.

It’s fascinating how easily bureaucracy can be made a tool of oppression and control.

It’s also fascinating how easily Americans miss it happening here.

Stop scenting things with rose. Rose scented things just smell like sad bitter old people who hate you and won’t let you sit on the good furniture.

It’s just

Actually, cops are not required by law to put their own lives in danger to protect anyone else’s. It’s just that most of them do.

It wasn’t about YOU. It was about your insistence on popping popcorn in this office and then rustling around in it and then crunching on it and my instant headache and homicidal impulses. So chill.

You guys.

I may have another MP4 I need squished.

I wonder what has convinced her that Bradley Cooper is gay.

This shit is never going to upload.

This dude’s religious beliefs are pretty much the least of my issues with him. They’re frankly not even on the list.

It was back to parallelogram one.

It’s not coomin. It’s not pronounced coomin. Come on.

I’ll admit that I did not read this whole article. I mostly skimmed. Because yawn. But while this is kind of an admirable venture, and best of luck to these companies in the market, I’m sure they’ll get loads of self congratulatory virtue signaling customers, pretty much all of those customers will be the very wealthy. I wear most of my clothing multiple times before washing – I just don’t get that dirty working behind a desk. I also don’t put most of my clothes in the dryer. My clothes last longer as a result. I rarely wash my sweaters at all. But I also have gross kids and a husband whose clothes really do need to be washed weekly. I guess get back to me when these companies want to turn their efforts to actually affordable clothing.

I guess that’s my holier than thou sermon for the week.

I’d take some of your Cuban chickens, but we don’t need any more bloody bantams.

Stop filtering out comments Facebook. I want to see all of them, not just the ones you think are most “relevant.”

Wait. So Rand Paul is actually calling himself a libertarian now? When did that change?

My biggest problem with audio books it the person reading it. Dear God. Maybe read the shit through first, THEN read it out loud.

These people are lunatics.

I NEED A BIGGBY

I

NEED

A

BIGGBY

Jesus. Thanks for making me cry with your photo. Not cool. But totally cool.

I forgot my phone was in my bra and couldn’t figure out why my boob was vibrating.

Soooooooooooooooo sleepy.

I really do not want this food.

WHAT even is the point of this particular bullshit?

I should have picked up donuts this morning.

I guess this will be a little shorter today. On account of I got distracted and forgot to say rambling things.

I’m telling you now, so you have time to prepare yourselves, there will be no Random next week. I will be traveling.

It will be OK.

No, really.

I promise.

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Random Wednesday

The obelisks are gone when you look away. Prepare: they can still see you.

I maybe feel a little sad for Boyd Crowder. He did seem to genuinely want to change. It’s a shame he didn’t stick with it.

That article somehow got truncated since I linked it. So I’m unlinking it.

SO many of those responses could have been said by me.

I thought she said “walking through damn bears.” She did not say “walking through damn bears.”

Damn bears.

I am pretty sure you mean loath, not loathe.

There was a brief period in the 90s when Anthony Michael Hall was kinda hot. We have the same birthday (not the same year).

I guess she’d have first hand knowledge about the intelligence of sea sponges …

I’d really love to know how you’re not able to support your family on $81K a year. Cos I make a WHOLE LOT LESS than that, and my family isn’t starving.

Ohhh I forgot I put that jar of coffee in my fridge. Iced coffee treat for me!

Wash your produce. Don’t wash your produce. Wash your produce. Don’t wash your produce.

JAYSUS.

Wait. What day is this?

Ticks are God’s way of reminding us that we’re actually pretty easily brought down.

God I hate ticks.

That woman is freaking the fuck out.

Yes. Yes I will order some lunch.

I only like parts of this new voicemail system. Some of the parts are lame.

It’s getting gloomy. That must mean it’s time for a nap.

I smell especially amazing today. You’re welcome.

100 of eleventy

Dammit! It’s sunny again!

Gah. My hair looked great til I walked out the door this morning.

T minus 21 minutes til the meeting of doom.

Duh duh duuuuuuuuuhn.

Oh this will be interesting. I don’t think an hour is enough time.

Now this seems like a religion I can get on board with.

OMG with the creepiness.

Miley Cirus is gross.

Did I spell her name right? Do I care enough to look it up?

Decision fatigue. THAT is my lunch problem. But I’m not eating pate on bread.

I’m not eating pate period.

Pate is gross.

Pate and Miley Cirus.

I do really miss that Norwegian cheese. Even after all this time.

I think you mean the scourge that is, not the scourge of.

Is there anything to like about Detroit?

I’ve come to a grinding halt. My brain will no longer function.

Also, I’ve been standing for hours. It’s time to sit down.

Someone changed the height on my chair. What the actual fuck.

Watch out for turtles!

Maybe it’s just the quality of what you’re reading.

I can see the almost zen appeal of Keanu, but it is sort of bordering on cultish.

Maybe I’ll run into him in The Strand when I’m in New York later this month and I’ll have my own Keanu story.

hahahahahahahahahahaha right

I am hungry.

Maybe I’m annoying people.

I definitely have enough fingering weight in the stash to do this hat, but I’ve got so many WIPs already.

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