nobody here but us chickens

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Random Wednesday

funereal spaces

Well. There you go.

Nobody knows what the Bird Cage is.

No, not the movie.

Ali knows what the Bird Cage is.

Didn’t Al Jourgensen used to be kind of hot once upon a time? Good Lord. I wonder why no Maori are up in arms about his chin tattoo.

Every time I type cinema I add an n to the end. I have no idea why.

Thanks, I’m handling it. If I needed your help I’dve asked.

Stop saying panties. Jesus.

I’ve found my new compound, now to fundraise.


Whatever. When is the AP going to change its convention on Oxford commas? That’s the only thing we care about. And the AP bloody knows it.

Ho.Lee.Shit. This post might not happen today. MADNESS.

OK, yeah, I wrote that like 5 hours ago. No way this is happening today.

I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve this shit.

Fuck. This. Noise.

I’ve never been to France, so I have no Notre Dame to add to the fray. I suppose I never will.

I say again, it’s a lot harder than you think.

How did I even get on this mailing list to begin with??

Two people just came in here and thanked the hell out of me for being supportive and inspirational and awesome. Made my day.



“Where are you from?” “AMERICA!”

Y’all make me tired.

You know. It’s not like I’m getting paid to write this.

Some asshat stole my cookies.

Happy Birthday, Justin Amash.

“[S]cience might not be progressing toward a truer representation of the world, but might simply be moving away from previous representations.”

I’m so angry. Definitive proof that I can’t get a fair shake to save my fucking life because the well is continuously poisoned.

I’m at a total loss as to what to do about this. I suppose there’s nothing I can do.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now my student hasn’t shown up for work. Perfect.

Please don’t comment on my shit just because you see it as an opportunity to virtue signal.

Weird. I wonder why she’s not in the directory.

I have a list of wishes I seem to be wishing every single day.

I keep hitting some F key instead of backspace and it makes my window go all giganomous.

No sir, I don’t like it.

Meeting – then migraine pill. And food.

I feel like my entire life is half-assed right now and it makes me very uncomfortable. But it’s also highlighting the fact that my standards and expectations are about eleventy times higher than everyone else’s, and no one else seems to see an issue with my half-assery, because they don’t see it as such.

But it’s not like I’m going to lower my standards.

When did Steve Yzerman get old?

Just seems remarkably unethical at best.

ABUSE. That’s the email. I was looking for risk.

I’d like to say that these people should be sentenced to experience the torture they inflict, but then we’d be no better than they.

I have got to get this shit together.

sweet as pie sweet as pie sweet as poisonous pie

These things are important.

5 down/15 to go

Look. My format is my own. I don’t care if it’s conventional.

I feel like a porcupine.

You know who’s an incredibly talented photographer? Heather Binns.

I’ve never read Little Fires Everywhere, but I feel like that phrase is the perfect descriptor of my job.

I’m actually really good at my job.

I can’t believe how much my neck hurts right now.

I will never do that again.

Well then.


Random Wednesday

Why would you pay that much money for a movie ticket?

Last night I wrote my memoir in my head as I was trying to fall asleep. In it, I died three times. You were there.

But is it a noun or a verb?

This is going to be so so so so good. And this version of Pictures of You is absolutely beautiful.

Of course I love that song anyway. Of course I love The Cure.

I should make you a list of songs that make me cry.

Just when the MI SOS was really starting to improve, Michiganders elected a bunch of idiot progressives who had to go and ruin the whole thing. Once again, progressivism proving to be the actual effective opposite of progress.

Just leave people alone. Why is that so hard for you?

Keep this up, I just might vote for Trump in 20. I know at least 10 people whose homes I’ll no longer be welcome in should that happen. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I don’t think forcing me to attend a lecture on how biased I am is really going to do dick about my alleged biases.

P.S. I don’t have the biases you think I have. I took your stupid IAT.

I’m getting mighty gorram sick of people. There was more to that sentence, but I realized it was SO MUCH more that just stopping it there really does suffice.

Who the fuck can afford to stay in one of those hotels anyway?

That might be the weirdest voicemail I’ve ever received.

Clearly I have to go.

Nothing throws sand in your face quite like someone you know in the real world turning down your friend request on the socials.

Well, that would explain a LOT of what is going on here.

Well obviously there’s a certain level of trust there.

Right. It’s a 12 year old boy’s fault MI roads aren’t being fixed faster.

I mix ketchup and ranch together every time I eat chicken strips. But do I want to buy a bottle of it pre-mixed? Not so much.

Man. When do I not need a nap?

Some of these spaces actually fill me with anxiety. But the rest are beautiful.

I totally would have gone.



I would probably benefit greatly from this jobby.

But why did that Theranos chick change her voice like that? She just sounded WEIRD.

Man. Want. Feels.

What if you’re somewhere in between the dark triad and the light triad. What if you’re like 2/3 light and a third dark or something. Just. You know. Out of curiosity.

I don’t actually think the actress that plays Lucifer’s mom is that hot. I find her kind of offputting, to be honest.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

I don’t think I’ve ever slow danced in a kitchen.

Absolutely everything is conspiring against me at this moment.

I really can’t talk right now.

Is it a tiny desk hosting a concert or is it a tiny concert at a desk or is it a tiny concert at a tiny desk? Why does this vex me so very much?

I can’t for the life of me think of any questions to ask these people. I just don’t care.

I want to go work for Bad Robot.

OK, not really.

I love cilantro, actually.

Why do I keep applying for jobs. Why. It’s such a waste of time.

Man. Every damn day I hear about some other person I’d love to see at Motor City Comic Con. Sigh. The Lucifer cast was just announced. Damn. I’d love to have the kind of disposable cash that would allow me to just spend a weekend in a hotel going to a con all day.

I would’ve looked inside.

Today was crazy busy, so I guess this will just be short.


Random Wednesday

It’s harder than you think.

I like the word autochthonous. It feels good in your mouth when you say it.

What the hell happened to this KAL?

I need a darning egg.

Three Mexican countries?? How does that work?

I don’t think you can build community by telling people what and how to think. I’m pretty sure that’s just fascism.

I talk too much shit about shit.

I wish I were sorry.

If you’re going to say someone was shot with a revolver, probably the photo you use to accompany that statement should be of a revolver, and not a .45 semi-auto. Just a thought.

I wish people paid for me to attend conferences, cos I’d really like to attend the Heterodox one I was just invited to.

I really have a deep seated dislike for April Fool’s Day. I think it’s awful.

There is nothing transparent about this. Where is all this money going that you’re taking away from our budgets? What are you spending it on instead?

Telling people what they’re allowed to say = fascism.

Whatever. I can’t keep beating myself up about shit like this. It just shouldn’t matter.

I’d love to see the Psychedelic Furs, but I have no interest in James. I saw Love Spit Love once upon a time and Richard Butler was fucking incredible. They played with Live. I was 10 feet away from Butler. Swoon. That was a kick ass show. March 23, 1995. Wow. An actual lifetime ago.

That doesn’t make me feel old though.

Listen. I suck. Completely. I’m a terrible wife. I’m a terrible mother. I’m a terrible friend. I’m a terrible everything in between. I know this. I try not to suck. But I suck.

I dreamed that we were on a road trip headed … somewhere. We stopped at a gas station that tripled as a bar and a greasy spoon. We all piled inside for road snacks and drinks. As I as getting some water I realized Jordan Peterson was there. We started chatting and ended up in a lengthy and dark conversation about serial killers.  … I had said something to which he replied, with a chuckle, “As long as you don’t judge me for my fascination with serial killers.” I said “That would be like judging myself.” He said, “But what draws you to the subject?” I  said, “I imagine much the same as you – the darkness.” People who were listening laughed and I said, “But it’s true. You can’t appreciate the light without the dark. You can’t understand good without acknowledging evil.” Peterson nodded, took his drink, and walked away.

Every single word of this is true.

I want to like Jenny Lewis, but I just can’t. I do love one or two Rilo Kiley songs though.

I’m reconsidering the podcast idea. Cos I have a really good one.

I don’t even remember Air Force One, though I know I’ve watched it.

I will never understand how anyone can look at this model and think, “Yeah! That’s just what we need!

My second cup of tea just has not been hitting the spot in the morning. Sadness.

I should probably just go into seclusion.

Maybe becoming a nun can be my retirement plan.

I bet Jordan Peterson would enjoy a conversation with me in the real world. So would loads of other people who just don’t know it yet.

WOW I’ve been waiting for this one for a while.

I don’t want to do this any more.

Sympathy for the devil, indeed.

That was fast.

Parallelogram one.

I can’t remember that thing you said about Paula Zahn that was so funny.

Look. I’m not really into things that look like vulvas, thanks.

This seems like something I would do, and I know you’re shocked that I did not.

How the hell am I supposed to know what vaccinations I received as a child?

I am not generally a fan of coconut flavor, but I do love a Samoa cookie, I must admit.

Sometimes I censor myself. I know you’re shocked, but it’s true.

I’m not sure if you got the memo, but no one appointed you our great high priest of right and moral living. You’re just as bad as the progs with some of these posts. Jaysus.

I really need to stop looking at Facebook today.

You don’t need this kind of negativity in your life.

Yeah, but why is Paul Holes still not on Instagram?

Probably the most frivolous thing so far.

This is excellent. An excellent step, anyway.

No, really. How did you get that PhD? You can’t possibly have actually earned it in any real sense.

I can’t focus on anything for longer than 5 minutes today.

I wish I had nicer handwriting.

Look. I like pizza more than I like being thin.



Random Wednesday

Why would we have such a thing here? We would not.

This mouse cleans up better than my family.

This was nice to see in my feed. I’ve been starting to get into physicists and their views on spirituality and mysticism lately. It’s come up for me so much in my program – how does spirituality fit with science? Turns out the answer is that they fit very well. Anyway, I never get tired of that exploration. I just got a copy of Quantum Questions which is a collection of essays by physicists on spirituality. I can’t wait til May when I’ll have time to get into it. A lot of people have mistaken my views as atheist, but I’ve never claimed to be anything other than agnostic. I’m still pretty comfortable with that adjective. I’ve never thought of myself as atheist.

But I’ll share a quote from Eureka, of all things, with you. I actually included this in a recent paper on Christianity, Judaism and Islam and medicine: “Albert Einstein said science without religion is lame, and religion without science is blind. But is there still a place for faith in a world of science? Has our ability to unravel the mysteries of rainbows made them any less miraculous? Science may be the method by which we give name to God’s miracles. But faith is the question that arises every time an old mystery is solved. The elegant explanations discovered every day [in Eureka] are the very reason to believe in something greater. Something beyond mathematics. Something divine.” (Eureka, Season 2, Episode 10, “God is in the Details”)

That really sums it up well, I think.

So wordy!

Also? I’ve never taken a physics class in my life.


I cannot fucking wait.

Wow! I’m not a GoT fan, but when people start talking about their brains …

I’ve always kind of secretly wanted to be one of those detectives leaning against the side of an unmarked sedan with my deeply black coffee shop joe, quietly gazing out at the expanse, contemplating the banality of evil.

Instead I’m an office monkey.

Oh wow. There’s a shock.

It’s probably best that this one can’t come back. Let’s be honest.

I’ve really got to write up I’ll Be Gone in the Dark.

“Skeptics of medical aid in dying argue that our focus should be on facilitating good lives, not curating good deaths.” Why can’t we do both??

Your eyes. The answer is your eyes. I don’t care what social media says. It’s eyes.

I’m only applying for this job because it’s there and I’m qualified. I guarantee you I won’t get it.

I really feel like I just don’t belong anywhere.


Frankly, I’m not convinced 18 year olds should be allowed to vote. Or join the military. Or a whole lot of other things. Lowering the voting age to 16 is lunacy. Your brain doesn’t even stop developing until your mid-twenties. The last thing I want is a bunch of 16 year olds deciding the fate of the country. Sorry. But no.


Wasn’t there a C there before?

The last album took a while to adjust to, and this sounds a lot like that, but I still love them so very much. MUST see them live some day.

never thought i’d need

I have never heard anyone on this Earth talk about food as much as this woman.

OK, but just to be clear, an 8 year old is not a toddler.

Literally no one cares about you or what you do. Everyone just wants you to shut up and go away. You are a garbage human being.

I know that’s awful. But when you go around behaving like that, that’s what you get. Resentment and hatred.

Are they just not paying attention? Is that it?

So Jussie Smollett gets away with it because … I guess take your identity politics pick. But that is bullshit.

I don’t understand how it could possibly take you three hours to do that particular task, but OK.

I mean why even bother.

This might be a short post today. I don’t even have the energy to complain.

It’s nice that you can just lie about that. Good for you. Garbage person.

No one has any idea what I do or how I do it, but they sure as hell notice it when it hasn’t gotten done.

I like chairs. I like photographing chairs in minimalist ways. I don’t know why. You can’t question the creative urge, people.

Great. Now I have a phone interview for this job that I won’t get. And it will be a waste of time.

I don’t have any answers for you.

Oh look. There’s another job to apply for. Parallel move, and fine by me.

This is absolutely appalling. Appalling.

Crap. I forgot I’m leaving early.

They’re coming to get you, Barbara.

There is some true crime I have zero interest in.

waiting for the

This is weird. I know. It will be OK.

I don’t know. It’s not like anyone is paying attention.

I need to figure out what I’m wearing tomorrow.

I hope we win. My students super really deserve to win this.

I wonder what would happen if I

Look at all those sentences starting with I. Who do I think I am? Obama?

These are hilarious. But I would not get one.

Ooooh it’s on sale!

I need to reprint these damn forms. Dammit.

I’m going to put my winter boots away, so obviously we’ll get another snow storm.

Yeah, but no.

I’m not sure how I feel about finding myself in agreement with Piers Morgan so often these days, yet here I am, giving him an AMEN.

I have to say, I think the Weekender is probably in my top 10 all time favorite knits.

I have to agree with Gillespie on this. Special Olympics is a wonderful wonderful program, but it, like so very many other things, should not be funded by the federal government.

Furthermore, I think DeVos has done some pretty freaking good work.

I can’t afford your knitting retreats. Please stop bragging about them. *sniff* Whatever. Have fun. You’ll probably spend all your time talking about social justice anyway.

I’m not bitter. Shut up.

JAYSUS my head hurts today.

I should have been a grief therapist.

I have decided not to renew my subscription to Vogue Knitting.

Man. Why can’t I stream the Psych Movie? Bastards.

I just think Lucifer Morningstar is a nice name, that’s all.

This might just be the fastest I have ever churned out five pages. And it doesn’t even need much revision. Holy shit. I wish they’d all just flow like that.

No amount of drugs are gonna work.


Random Wednesday

This photo just feels so funereal to me.

I’m going to start a new photo series. Photos of places that feel funereal but have absolutely nothing to do with funerals. Funereal Spaces. Funereal Photos. One of those. I’m doing it.

I’m giving up on applying for jobs in that building. It’s never gonna happen.

Nothing dreamier than film.

I’m sorry, but isn’t this 100% protected under the First Amendment??

Those weather maps literally never make sense to me. And yet I still click on them.


Well. That’s not exactly what I meant. But whatever.

“Vehicle drove around crossing arms in fatal train crash.” I cannot tell you how confused I was over that headline at first.

Like some petulant car just crossing its arms all full of attitude, driving around. “I’ll do what I want!”

I love it when people use tenant when they mean tenet. HI-larious. I also think it’s hilarious that so many people associate Peterson with this “men’s rights movement.”

So he’s not just a sociopath, he’s also a really shitty writer.

You guys.  This will hurt, but please read it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to remember that I am so much more than this stupid job.

“In the future, everything will be made of chickpeas.” I fucking loathe chickpeas.

Two sentences into a story in The NEW YORKER and there’s already a spelling error. People have no goddamn standards any more. The New Yorker for fuck’s sake.

I’ve talked about this before but here’s some new research on it. I can tell you that the RAGE is very very real.

I have argued for years that people’s urge to self segregate is innate. Human beings are naturally tribalistic. We will always seek out and surround ourselves with our own kind, whether it’s nerds or Norwegians or libertarians or even, yes, ethnicities.

I have this meeting once a month, and every single time, this jackass sits across the room staring at me. I can’t tell if he’s waiting for me to go postal or if he’s just really sorry he was such an asshole that time. I guess I don’t care which as long as I don’t have to talk to him.

Holding up Mr. Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers” and saying THIS IS NOT ENOUGH is ridiculous. This message was meant for children, not adults. Why don’t you hold up his advice and say people will be looking, so go be a helper?

Better yet – and this is sort of becoming my mantra, thanks Avett Brothers – Decide what to be and go be it.

This just in: Eggs are bad for you again. PLEASE. Just stop.

I think I’m done applying for jobs around here. Fuck it.

CBD infused coffee seems counterproductive somehow.

It’s probably not a good place to be, frame of mind wise. I don’t know what you want from me, but you’re not likely to get it.

What am I even doing?

I didn’t know this was a thing, and I think it’s pretty horrific. I don’t understand how this is OK.

Sorry, Facebook. I can’t with you today, either.

I’m just marking all of the cat related ads Instagram shoves into my feed as offensive at this point, because enough with the fucking cats.


Please stop putting candy at the front desk. There is no fucking room for this shit. Oh good. Now I get to listen to you eating it too. Hoo-fucking-ray. I should not be physically able to hear you right now. It should not be possible. Why are you even standing there? WTF are you even paid for?

I’m telling you. You want to get me to crack in interrogation? Force me to listen to you eat something.

If your week is anything like mine, don’t watch this absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking and lovely video. Because you will cry. A lot.

Look. The building is all booked up. I can’t help you. And being pissy with me about it is not going to advance your cause.

Fuck. All I wanted was to finish this fucking paper today and I just cannot even do it. I hate everything.

Wow. I’d very much love to see this in person.

I’m pretty sure you don’t actually understand what that phrase means.

First of all, I didn’t know Lollapalooza was still clinging to life. B) this year’s lineup is, to steal someone else’s word, absolute trash. Ariana Grande? Are you fucking serious with this foolishness?

I’m so glad I’m too old for music festivals.

I want Jack and Sally please.


I don’t know why you’re even reading this.

Are you even reading this?

On the positive, my new mattress came in the mail today.

I don’t like Jeffrey Tambor.

I like sleep. I’d like some more of that.

I’m not getting some more of that.

I’m going home now. You should too.


Random Wednesday

It’s not terribly compelling, actually.

The Body Farm is so cool.

I’m starting to sound like a fucking Dear Abby column in these discussion posts.

I do like the title Agony Aunt though. I’d be good at that job. Plus the word agony.

I love my wife. My wife is dead.

That is what you get for stinking up the office with your popcorn.

They won’t hire me.

No one ever wants to hire me.

I just need to check in on people sometimes. Make sure they’re all good.

I’m a misanthrope who likes very specific people.

Fine. I don’t want to work there anyway.

I 100% forgot what I was doing.

It’s nice that you can come in at 7 forty something. Take an hour lunch. Then leave at 4. That seems fair.

Look, I think Jordan Peterson makes a lot of sense, but some of you are bordering on a kind of cult mentality with all of this and it’s a little weird and a little creepy.

This new drug is not working. Yet.

This right here is why I love the internet. And also hipsters are just awful.

I should not be able to hear you eating right now. It should not be physically possible.

I think I need to just wear my glasses for a few days.

“Identity cannot be a substitute for or a supplement to reason and morality.This woman has no business holding office in this country. She is despicable. And the Dems who refuse to censure her in any way are just as despicable.

Shut. Up.

Yes, they do. They literally do it all the time.

This is not my favorite season of Psych.

To be honest, I’ve always had a fair amount of sympathy for Lucifer. I’m probably going to hell.

I think that was a bit of a reach. Your reasoning didn’t even make sense.

I don’t love My Favorite Murder as much as everyone else. Jesus bloody God, can you just stop with your stupid progressive politics. They are wholly irrelevant to murder.

I maintain that you cannot count Ed Gein as a serial killer.

Are we positive Zachary Levi isn’t gay?

This is not my favorite episode of Supernatural.

I don’t like the bunker full of people. It’s weird.


And then there are the people who just suddenly, inexplicably, stop speaking to me.

I love you, Jim Butcher. But you’ll always be a bigger nerd than me. And probably I curse too much for you.

If you’re not reading Quillette, you should be.

People always follow “It goes without saying,” with the thing that allegedly goes without saying. I find this paradox entertaining and terrifically odd.

I do not know how it is possible, but I never get tired of hearing the Psych theme song. Never.

I’m convinced the original post was a troll, but this is still hilarious.

I just learned that Brie Larson (larsen?) won an Oscar for Room, and I’m struggling to understand why.

I started watching Room, fast forwarded through the majority of it, and watched the end, and felt like every minute I spent with it was a waste of time because it was so spectacularly uninteresting.

Brie Larsuhn is spectacularly uninteresting.

Look. I can’t help it if I love bagpipe music.

I also can’t help it if I don’t understand people who complain about “only” getting 5 hours of sleep. 5 hours of sleep is basically my average. Suck it up, buttercup.

No, I’m not interested in Knitting The Card Game.

Some very strange occurrences. Very strange.

Oy. That was a little too Conservative Preachy Man for me this early in the morning.

I suddenly could not remember the Roman numeral for 9. So odd.

I’ll eat the quinoa, but it kind of weirds me out.

Hey internet? I can guarantee you I am not a Christian.

Facebook keeps notifying me that I have a new message after I’ve sent a message and it’s really fucking annoying.

What! I didn’t know Tim Burton directed Dumbo. Clearly now I have to see it.

How did I end up on the Daily Mail? What a horrible publication.

That is appalling.

Please. I wish I made that much money.

Whelp. There’s another job I didn’t get.

Yeah, my name isn’t Elizabeth.

No, but come on. They just give out degrees like Pez or something at her alma mater, right? How is she an economist? Honestly, if breathing weren’t an involuntary reflex, she would have died years ago. This woman is just about as dumb an individual as I have ever seen in my life.

It feels like the inside of my skin is itchy. That usually means I’m getting sick. And also it’s one of the most awful sensations you can imagine.

It’s because none of them know what they’re doing.


I know why, I just wish it weren’t.

Of course banning unvaccinated children is a violation of their Constitutional rights. Equal protection under the law. Of course not vaccinating your children is lunacy, but it’s still your right not to do so. You can’t force Americans to vaccinate. Think about what you’re demanding. Once you allow forced vaccinations, you open the door to forced sterilizations, among so many other horrific things. Anti-vaxxers are dangerous morons, but they’re allowed to be dangerous morons. And also assholes.

My life is a constant irritating fucking struggle of just trying to physically see clearly.

Students leave an astonishing number of water bottles behind.

God I hate protest chanting.

I’ve been called a cracker bitch more times than I can count, but I don’t make it the defining experience of my life. Jesus.

This is the future you’ll get with AOC and people like her. STOP deluding yourselves into thinking this time it will be different. It’s never different. It’s never good. It is always evil.

I’ve served on the University Common Read Committee for six years, and every single year has been a struggle. I think the concept of a common read is fantastic. I think the motivation behind a common read needs to be very closely scrutinized. And I’ll say this, the committee was comprised almost entirely of professors, so I think that’s where this piece and NAS get it wrong. It’s not just the bureaucrats.

Of course, every member of the committee quit this year. I’m the last woman standing and no authority to proceed.

“Reach out to students who do not atomically qualify to have them apply. … How can we reach students who do not atomically qualify.”

Seriously, I love these sheep so much. I want some. I have plenty of room!

Look. the entire first half of this story, you’re claiming these murders were committed with a shotgun. Now all of a sudden it’s a rifle. They’re not interchangeable. Come on.

This is so fantastic.

I love how she looks at this through the scope of our language.

Man. I’m hanging this up.


Random Wednesday

When are your kids old enough that you can start replacing all the shit they’ve stained beyond classy recognition?

That’s the passive aggressive’s way of making an accusation. Listen, honey. I didn’t do it and I wasn’t here when it happened. Furthermore, it’s not my problem.

This is a good read.

Stop calling me Jen. You are not my friend. You are a horrible human being and I hate you.

I would never have put geography under social and behavioral sciences, but what do I know.

Ooph. Also, I highly recommend Nancy’s book “To the Bridge.” It’s very well done.

Are you sure?

Are you reading this right now?

It might be a two Diet Dr. Pepper day, chickens.

Wait. What day is this?

I have never been in such desperate need of a massage in my life.

Even more unfriending. Interesting.

I always think, “Oh, I bet it was so and so.” And it never is who I think it is.

I bought a new

I have no idea what I was going to type there.

Why do I try to participate in these conversations? WHY?


i could deceive you

No. I cannot verify that information for you. Even if I could verify the information at all, I could not verify it for you.

Stop wearing those serial killer non-prescription aviator frames as accessories. They looked like shit in the 80s when they were the fashion, and they look like shit now.

That guy is pissed. I’m glad I’m not having to deal with him.

OMG Yeah. This is my life.

This guy is a dick. It’s hard to say if he’s a dick for the hits on his blog, of if he’s just a dick in general. But he’s a dick either way. Now I don’t even want to link to him.

It would have to be temporary!

You guys.

Chronic migraine is a chronic illness. I don’t think people really understand what living with chronic pain is like. And I know people get tired of my mentioning it. People never get tired of asking me “have you tried …?” and I take that in the spirit it was intended. But chances are, the answer is yes, I have, and it didn’t work. I have two different diagnoses, actually. Chronic Migraine – which is my every single day pain, and Breakthrough Migraine, which is the shit that knocks me on my ass, alters my vision, makes me want to sob in agony, but crying just makes it worse pain. Sometimes I just feel like I could use a little more understanding. That’s all. It’s frustrating. When I talk about it, or mention it, I’m not whining. I’m not complaining. I’m just telling you what shit is like. (Crohn’s Disease – the illness in this article – runs in my family. Happily for me, I have not been stricken with it.) Also, I don’t think people with chronic migraine are welcome in the “spoonie” club. That seems a little mean girls to me.

It’s OK. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I should just delete that paragraph. No one cares about my skull.

I don’t know how to fill out this goddamn form.

Open faced sandwiches.

I need some white Norwegian cheese. Help a sister out. I’m being completely serious.

Shut up Van Jones.

I will never understand this process. NEVER.


We should let a snake loose in the house.

Just kidding.

Just call me Miss Anthropy.

I really hate Audible’s website.

Every time she says something about DAR I think she’s talking about the Daughters of the American Revolution and I get so confused. She is not talking about the Daughters of the American Revolution.

the pople

Come on. It’s like you’re looking for reasons to get pissed off at me, and if that’s the case, maybe you should just move on with your life, without me in it.

There’s something wrong with my tea.

I don’t know why Firefox thinks I give a shit about diamonds, but I don’t.

Every single platform I use has my personal algorithms completely wrong. Maybe that’s a good thing, I guess.

Where do they come up with drug names, anyway. So ridiculous.

Is it worth it? I don’t know. I’m really fucking tired.

WHAT. How can you possibly be out of apple cider? HOW. HOOOOOOOOW.

Every time this email goes out, every single person on the distribution list hits reply all. I literally could not care less about your response. Reply to the sender. It’s not that fucking hard.


By golly.

Shouting from the cheap seats. Honestly. It’s like you vote for these people because they’ll abuse you. What a bitch. And yeah, please do not have children. The world is full of enough dumb as it is.


Huh. What the hell am I posting on FB that’s so offensive? And why is it so hard to figure out who unfriended you?

Shut up Cory Booker.

Random is reaching record lengths these days. My brain needs an outlet.

And that is why you follow the fucking procedure.

Accepting his acceptance??

“There’s something weird about every family. That’s what makes America great.”

This is so cool. Also, I’ve been to the Rijksmuseum and it is incredible. I couldn’t even see the whole thing. If you ever have the opportunity, take it.

Is this too much? Do you prefer the shorter Randoms?

Look. I fell into this job because I needed a job, and because I got tuition remission. You chose to be a teacher for REASONS.

I have a loooooooooot of thoughts about this topic. But I’m going to keep them to myself a while longer. Read this instead.

I’m intuitively eating this pizza.

This is not what we should be spending our tax dollars on. If we stopped spending money on shit like this, maybe our roads wouldn’t be a national joke. Maybe our roads wouldn’t actually be in constant disrepair because we use the cheapest possible means of fixing them instead of resurfacing entirely. This shit pisses me off.  We don’t even need this. There’s a ritzy ass hotel not even a block away from this building.

I can’t believe not a single one of them has made a Madame Defarge reference in all of this. I’M THE ONLY ONE.

Pssst. She was not a hero.

Speaking of knitting, I wonder if Annie’s ever going to release that pattern I tested.

Man. Do academics just not give a shit about having people proof their papers for grammatical and spelling mistakes? Come. On.

I can’t read your article. Evidently I’ve hit my allowable reads for the month or year or whatever, and I’m not paying for a subscription.

Well. This has gone on long enough, don’t you think?


Random Wednesday

This woman laughs after every single thing she says. This is not an exaggeration. This is a fact. Literally nothing she says warrants so much as a chuckle.

This place is killing me by degrees.

I am only still here because I am a responsible adult with bills to pay and a family to feed. Occasional Cortex isn’t handing me a paycheck because I’d rather sit on my ass.

Wow, way to blow right in with the NEGATIVE, jen.

Moving right along.

Here is some incredible heroism.

Shut up, Cory Booker.

HA. I thought that said neo-mortalists and thought wow, that’s a really great phrase, I should use that for stuff. It did not say neo-mortalists.

Hey, Instagram? I don’t eat yogurt. Enough with the yogurt ads. Really.

Hey, listen, if y’all could just stop posting links to crap at WaPo, that’d be great. I can’t ready ANY of them.

Benedict Cumberbatch with a mustache? No. Just no. So wrong.

I just don’t get scrapbooking. It feels a little pathological. But you do you.

This is not helping me.

I find this actually terrifying.

Every time I say something about 4H these college students say “what’s that??”

I think this is pretty fantastic.

You’re trying to decide if I’m serious right now.

You guys.

You don’t get to talk about “we’re old!” when you’re in your 30s. So stop.

Here’s the solution: Stop putting faculty in administrative positions. They’re not qualified to manage people and departments because they don’t have the experience, they don’t have the skill, they make everything worse. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends who are faculty. But I also have to work for faculty, and it’s a flipping migraine. Let faculty do what they do best: teach.

Tanya Tucker!

Old Lady Tucker.

Jesus. I’ve officially reached that point in my life where I’m bitching about my contractor. HOW DID I GET HERE?

I keep having to yawn, and then halfway through the yawn it’s like the yawn breaks and I can’t finish it. and then I’m just deeply dissatisfied because I wasn’t able to actually yawn. It’s kind of tragic, really.

You guys.

I’d never even heard of that guy til he faked a hate crime. I have no patience for fuckers who do that shit.

Knitters are mean, yo.

The thing about putting together a letter out of cut out magazine letters is that it takes some serious goddamn dedication. That shit is time consuming as hell.

I’d love it if people would stop posting shit and then following it up with “let that sink in.”

I’m on a tear this week, clearly. Maybe I should delete some of this.

I dunno. I just read through and it’s not that bad.

I feel completely discombobulated this month. I’m so scattered. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I just REALLY hate that phrase.

Why do these people spend so much time talking about the weather and how well the roads have been plowed?

I’m pretty sure that this office has tainted me. I can’t get an interview to save my life. And when I finally do get one here or there, no one wants me.

“An alliance of heretics.” I’ll take it.

I just realized that I’m the oldest person in this office.

What a neat lady!

I instantly feel the urge to give businesses like this my money. Which is a problem, because I don’t have a lot of money.

I have no interest in this topic.

What was I even logged into?

Well. I think that went alright.

You guys.

Bitch. Listen.

Social Justice Extortionism


So tired of that word – unpack. Unpacking should refer to your luggage.

i know

I’m all for the new Psych movie. Yes, please, thank you.

Should I apply for this job I don’t actually want just to get out of here and also it’s more money? I guess.

Why won’t you stay where I put you?

You guys.

I’ve never read Joan Didion. Or that poet that just died. You can make of that what you will.

But it seems like she’s my kinda thinker: “Because when we start deceiving ourselves into thinking not that we want something or need something, not that it is a pragmatic necessity for us to have it, but that it is a moral imperative that we have it, then is when we join the fashionable madmen, and then is when the thin whine of hysteria is heard in the land, and then is when we are in bad trouble. And I suspect we are already there.

Is this cowboy times?




I don’t understand people who add their happy birthdays to someone in the comments of your happy birthday post. Go make your own happy birthday post. Weirdo.

There is absolutely no question whatsoever that I need this shirt.

I’ve probably offended her. I somehow manage to offend everyone.

I guess I just expected more support and encouragement from some people who know how hard I’ve been working on this shit. And instead I get nothing.

Yes. Yes, I am a bit bitter about it.


Frankly, I’m surprised he has the budget for this position, what with the current state of things.

You guys.

See how much gorram positive I’ve stuffed into this post this week?

Oh good. I sure hope this rain freezes as I’m trying to drive home in 50 minutes.

I want tacos.

I can’t find my copy of Lonesome Dove anywhere.

Huh. I got unfriended again. I wonder who it was.


Blood on the Mitten

I should have put my Michigan Native sweatshirt on for this shot. I clearly didn’t think this through.

I held off on posting this here because I thought my new book blog was going to be ready to go, and this would be the inaugural deal, but. It hasn’t happened yet. So. here you go.

I got this book for Christmas from the Mister and I was super excited about it because if there are two things in this world I love, they’re true crime and Michigan. Don’t judge. I love other shit too.

This book started out fun and quickly grew annoying. For an author who allegedly spent 25 years in Traverse City, he certainly seems fixated on Detroit. Like everybody else in the world. Guess what, America! There are, in fact, a whole bunch of other cities in Michigan. And somebody’s been murdered in all of them. I guarantee it.

X marks detroit, which is evidently the center of the known universe.

OK, I’m being a little harsh. This book is a fun, quick read – each murder is presented as a brief summary – like a book full of murder blurbs. (Although I could easily fall into an argument over the difference between killing and murder, and some of the cases presented here don’t seem particularly murdery to me.) Each murder is also accompanied by the “murder map,” which gives you the location, or approximate location that it took place, and whether or not the house/hotel/school/whatevah is still standing. It also gives you a little bit of loosely related history of the era and or area. So obviously it’s not an in depth true crime masterpiece.

But dear God. If you’re going to call your book “Blood on the Mitten: Infamous Michigan Murders 1700s to Present,” shouldn’t all of the murders in the book actually have taken place IN THE MITTEN?? Just because a murderer hails from the Water Winter Wonderland, doesn’t mean it’s a “Michigan Murder.” St. Valentine’s Day Massacre? Didn’t happen here. And frankly, you present only tenuous evidence at best that it was even related to criminals from – you guessed it – Detroit. The killing of peaceful Cheyenne at Washita River? Nowhere near this pleasant peninsula, my friend. Who gives a bag of Better Made if Custer grew up here? His famous Last Stand was over a thousand miles away from here. And while Fort Custer may be about 5 minutes from my house, I’m not convinced the man ever actually even set foot on that land. (I suppose it’s possible, I’ve done no actual research. But he was from the east side of the state. What else is on the east side of the state? Hmmmm, let me think. Oh yeah! DETROIT.) The Oklahoma City bombing? Last time I checked, Oklahoma City was in Oklahoma. And while McVeigh and Nichols, vile and loathsome murderers, indeed, may have hailed from eastern Michigan, they didn’t commit their horrific act of terrorism here. McKinley’s assassination? Guess what? Went down in Buffalo. New York that is. Decidedly not Michigan. I mean. If you wanted to write a book about famous murderers who hailed from Michigan, you probably should have done that.

decidedly not a michigan murder

Also, dude. WHYYYYYYYYYYY so much Detroit? (I’m 100% including the few suburbs of the Motor City when I say Detroit. As far as we on the West Side are concerned, it’s all the same.) What about the Marshall murder of local television news anchor Diane King by her husband, former police officer and WMU adjunct instructor, Bradford King? (I read a book about that one.) Or the 1999 murder of Kalamazoo College student Maggie Wardle by her ex boyfriend? (I read a book about this one too – The Events of October, which is a good, though incredibly tragic read.) The only Kalamazoo murder mentioned is the Uber driver who terrorized the city in early 2016 and gave what was ultimately the final shove to centralizing our county-wide 911 dispatch system, for good or ill, we shall see.

OK, again, I’m being harsh. And slightly exaggerating. There are other cities listed. Mostly the U.P. and northern lower Michigan. Very very little from West Michigan or South Central Michigan. (We’re a much bigger state than you think, my chickens.) Still, Detroit isn’t literally the only region represented. It’s just over-represented. And frankly, West Michigan is tired of that shit. The second largest city in Michigan is Grand Rapids. Which is in West Michigan. (Granted, I don’t spend a lot of time there either. Me+Big Cities = claustrophobia.) Pay attention to us!!

Despite my trash talk, and the presence of a handful of editing misses (always annoying), the book is indeed full of interesting things I had not known before. For instance, I’m going to have to make a trip back to Mackinac Island – I haven’t visited since I was a kid anyway – to see the “Drowning Pool” where the Brits shoved women weighted with rocks off a 20 foot drop into a pool of water. Like all accused in the 1700s, if they could swim and save themselves they were witches. If they drowned, they were innocent. The pool is said to be haunted. (If you’re in the Mitten and want to find out for yourself, it’s near Mission Point Resort.)

I also learned that The Lone Ranger began as a radio show in bloody Detroit, along with The Green Hornet.

I really am not a fan of Detroit. (Don’t tell my sister in law, she’s a native. I’m pretty sure she has an old English D tattooed somewhere on her person.)

2.5 out of 5. If we’re handing out stars. Fun for true crime buffs, but not the best ever. Definitely a must for MI true crime connoisseurs. Sorry, Tom Carr. Please don’t show up at my door to punch me. This is all meant in good (honest) fun.


Random Wednesday

This will always be one of my favorite photographs. It never fails to make me laugh.

Stormageddon looks so much like my Grandpa Norman.

Hello snow day number 4.5. I love you. Let’s be best friends.


Knee-jerk is the default. For everyone. Exhausting.

Welcome to our dystopian future.

I don’t even care about football.

You make everything worse. There’s nothing wrong with these napkins. Nothing. They’re kind of funny.

My pants smell weird.

Well. Thank your mom for being a lousy housekeeper, W and Stormageddon.

And all those farm animal germs.

I love you, caramel apple cider. You’re my real best friend.

I hate this town.

We don’t “need to talk” or “have a conversation” about anything. Cept death.

Well. I guess these people have nothing to hide.

This is fascinating and kind of brilliant.

I’m certainly not willing to pay people who are unwilling to work.

I wish I had a cinnamon roll.

This week is trying to kill me.

Ask again later.

What do I know? I don’t have a PhD in English, so clearly I’m a moron.

Gorram paywalls.

Yes please.

No 4H kid is ever gonna stop cuddling their chickens.

It’s not a lower bar, it’s just a more succinct one.

This is not a complicated process. Just follow the very incredibly easy instructions spelled out for you on the website.


The 1460s are my jam. Ma’am.

At least I take a minute to learn how to

I don’t know why I join these email lists. It’s not like I can afford to buy anything from these people.

Take your antisemitism elsewhere.

Yet another reason for a home funeral and burial in my own private cemetery.

First of all, WTF is Post Malone? Secondly, I just saw a photo of that thing on stage with the Chili Peppers at the Grammys and all I could think was if I saw any of these people on the street, I’d cross it with my hand on the grip of my pistol. How utterly repulsive. Anthony Kiedis has somehow evolved to look just exactly like what you picture when you think “child molester.” Put your tongue back in your mouth, freak show. Bleah. No thank you.

And getting back to that Post Malone thing. He’s a musician? What does he even do? WTF with those fucking prison tattoos all over his face? He’s repellent. Just no. Tattoo the shit out of yourself, I don’t care. I have tattoos. I want more. But this guy? Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. And what the hell kind of name is POST? Dude. Post is a cereal brand, not a name. And what is on his teeth???

Harrowing is such a good word.

Stop telling me what to do. No really.

Everywhere I am is just another thing with

jen with one n

hmmmm that’s a little weird for me, I think.

No thanks. I cannot stand Leonardo “But I really really really wanna be Jack Nicholson” DiCaprio.

I’m pretty sure Instagram knows I don’t own or even particularly like cats, and that is why they insist on filling my feed with ads for cat related crap. Diabolical bastards.

Why did I think Justin Theroux was Canadian or something?

I don’t actually care for Book Bug or This Is A Bookstore. I’d rather spend my money at apolitical institutions. Or at least institutions who don’t club me over the head with their politics.

I need to sit with your comments for a while.


It doesn’t matter if people are looking at my profile, LinkedIn. None of them are looking to offer me a kick ass job.

No matter how many times I say it, I will always stumble over hermeneutics.

Holy shit, I’m tired.

I kind of really love this a lot.

I would not.

But what if I just don’t care?


What has The Little Prince meant to you?

You can buy me a cup of coffee by hitting the tip jar over there to the right. You can tip me for all this quality awesome from mah brains. And by coffee I mean tea. And by tea I probably mean yarn.

Yes, but how does she plan to pay for it?

I prefer red sauce to cream sauce.

Huh. I had no idea we were shutting down our FL campus. That didn’t last long. Glad I didn’t go for a job down there. What a waste of money that venture was.

That dude is asking thirty bux for his used Champion fanny pack. I’m cracking up.

“Be specific!” OK. How bout we sell off California. Who needs California anyway?

I have to look up the definition of that word over and over because I cannot for the life of me ever remember what it means.

Um. This is not a”for-profit” university, dude.

I don’t really want to share him with you. Sorry.

I love how faculty bitch about students not following directions (I do it too) and then I send an email out to 150 faculty and 20% of them don’t follow directions.

My shoulder hurts.

Nothing like trying to dig a sliver out of your own thumb to really make your day a great one.

I used to smile with my teeth more.

I want the cookies but I don’t want to do the work to get the cookies. I clearly do not want the cookies bad enough.

I completely forgot what I was just going to say.

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