nobody here but us chickens

Page 2 of 110

Random Wednesday

First of all, what a name. But second of all, this guy looks like he’s all of 12 years old. I cannot take him seriously. His kid looks older than he does.

It’s not just all autism and Down syndrome. There are all kinds of developmental disabilities.

Still haven’t managed to make it through the first episode of Vikings.

It’s the social media pose. Like the Michigan hair cut.

They’re all so fucking fragile.

Well fine. Don’t then.

I’ve seen some damn funny photos lately. Total lack of self awareness.

You know, I really thought that whole Strengths Finder nonsense would die out. Or maybe it was just a wild hope that it would die out. Instead it has found new life and is raging away, stronger than ever. I literally could not care less about your top 5. Keep it to yourself.

you know i keep your fingerprints

I’m so fucking helpful. You’re welcome.

I wish I had some Pringles.

What does “mass casualties” mean, exactly?

I don’t know. I mean. Why would I want to send my name to the sun though?

Shit. What was I going to say?

I’ve pretty much lost any enthusiasm I might once have had for this whole thing.

Ho.lee.SHIT this kid is talented. I hope he publishes this stuff someday.

Reason number 4,367 to homeschool.

WordPress still thinks homeschool is not a word.

Using inclusion comment cards to demand exclusion of a group of students. Y’all have no sense of irony whatsoever, do you?

I was sitting there thinking, “How did I never see the trailer for Infinity War?” til it got to the end and I saw the Guardians and realized, “Oh, I did.” I guess it wasn’t a terribly impressive experience. Unlike the Civil War trailer. I totally remember that one. It was GOOD. Infinity War’s trailer is wholly unremarkable.

I still don’t like crunchy green beans.

That shit is just gonna get dusty.

I can’t keep track of your goddamn calendar, woman.

Why no West Michigan, Liz Phair? Why??

it’s that little souvenir

Gah. You can’t have half your headlines centered and the others left justified. Pick a format and stick with it.

Why do people think anyone wants to smell their Brussels Sprouts?

Kinda over this Trish bitch.

Man. I was on such a good hair roll for a while there.

I think when this season of the X-Files ends it needs to just stay ended. Forever.

I think you could have made your argument without all the name calling. That was just kind of assy.

Oh! Dumb ass. CO. Conservation Officer. Duh.

Sometimes I am such a dolt.

Half the people I know are anti GMO. Stop already. GMO foods save lives.

I hate seaming.

Jesus. NOWHERE does it say prior. NOWHERE.

Nobody loves Toto’s Africa. Nobody.

Tiny dinosaurs will save the world.


And this is why you should buy your own shit.

Well, at least I know that none of you have any respect for me.

The problem with torso killers is …

Screw it. Now I’m just in a foul mood and I’m not sure I’m coming back from it.

This place is making my brain bleed today.

You know what? Sometimes the office is too loud, which makes it difficult to concentrate. That doesn’t make me the asshole.

God. How did I fall down that rabbit hole? I don’t even know.

$2 Biggby day is a gift from heaven.

Great. Now my shit is broken.

I never watched Xena. I thought it was dumb.

Well. Damn. Now I just want to cry.


Random Wednesday

Well I’m not just going to not say anything.

HA! He looks like he’s saying “Wait WHAT? You’re taking my picture???”

When you say someone shoots film, you don’t actually have to add the word analog. Just. It’s kind of implied.

Another day, another paper jam.

I think it’s time to re-read The Time Traveler’s Wife.

Well. Now I clearly need to watch Death Wish.

It just means they like to make shit.

My feet are hot. I hate it when my feet are hot.

Stop mixing politics into knitting.

GOD. I never want to hear the phrase “Nevertheless she persisted” again. Fucking staaaaaaaaaaahp.

Yeah. Just stay the hell off the damn bridge when it’s windy. Especially if you’re driving a semi.

Dear Staples, I pretty much never need you to email me to tell me that items in my order have been delivered. I’m actually looking at them right now. Thanks.

Wow. His dad was a cop. Damn.

Ooooooooooops. I totally misread that whole thing. Fffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

The mashed potatoes always somehow ended up leaching onto the brownie. The Salisbury steak was my favorite one. I still don’t like mixed vegetables.

“What year was this?”
“The year Canada bought all our Checker cabs and turned ’em into cop cars.”

Man. Riverdale looks like a truly awful show.

regardless of what they say

“key to lock”

Blech. It smells like fake blueberry in here. I hate blueberries. I hate fake fruity smells. Like fruit scented crap. It’s giving me such a headache.

Can I just quit? All of it? Just be done.

this is moderately funny.

I thought that said “he has an affinity for doctors.” It did not.

Man. Y’all are so bossy.

I am not made of money. Not even pennies.

If you refuse to get on FB you can’t complain when information has only been shared with people on FB.

Yep. Though I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be. I also did not realize until surprisingly recently that it is actually anxiety.

Kid, if you say “oh that’s no prob” one more time I am firing you right now.

Now you want me to keep track of crap that hasn’t even been submitted yet? Please.

“Self-engrossed students are acting out little psychodramas of oppression.” I could not have phrased it better. Although I disagree with MacDonald in that I don’t believe it’s racism alone. It’s a whole litany of progressive fantasies. I also think Furedi is wrong about nonjudgmentalism. Even amongst their own ranks.

It’s not like I asked to have Heart stuck in my head. I don’t even like Heart.

Wow. “Gunsplained” That’s a new one.

Well. That discussion went much better than expected.

“Do they have a society of serial killers that meet once a month, and they sit in the diner in the back room, and they say, ‘Where are you dumping the bodies this month?’ … I don’t think we have that.” ~ Suffolk County Police Department Commissioner Richard Dormer

Everyone’s doors are closed. ‘Cept mine. I don’t get a door.


I don’t have a kingdom.

Hey Instagram – I don’t have a fucking cat. Stop advertising cat crap to me. Your algorithms are useless. I don’t even like cats. In fact, I sort of actively dislike cats. Leave me alone.

What does that even mean? Why can’t people just speak clearly? Why does everything need to be bloody translated these days? This is why there is so much division and polarization in the world. One side invented a whole new language that the other side doesn’t speak.

Y’all have overly complicated everything to death.

I should just eat lunch now.

This is bullshit.

I don’t know why I think anyone should start listening to me now.

Yeah, but no. I know a LOT of people I would not want anywhere near a firearm. But still. Funny stuff.

Pringles are delicious.

I’m so glad that

Of all the yarn or fiber festivals in all the world, Edinburgh is the only one I’d really care about attending. Because SCOTLAND.

I should just message Neil directly. On Instagram.

Fine. I’ll go without you.

I’ve been using the word shady a lot lately.

Underhanded also works.

I think, at this point, it’s safe to say I did not get the job.

I’m willing to lay odds that I did not get the other job, either.

I am trapped here. Forever.


Have you been drinking, Tiny Fox Mulder?

Supermarket or Grocery Store? (The correct answer is “Meijer.”)

No. No one needs to see the pingbacks but you.

I don’t know how you even slip out of a house surrounded by police and go shopping at WalMart. I mean. Wow. That is some impressive shit.

“Nothing limits the power of the state like the outer boundaries of people’s willingness to do what they’re told.”


Random Wednesday

If you’re going to change the long gun age requirement to 21, you’d better change the enlistment age requirement as well.

I think this is hilarious.

I blasted Biden for telling women to grab a shotgun and shoot through the door for several reasons, not least of which is that shooting through a door is just stupid. But aside from that, a good shotgun is the best home self defense firearm you can own.



Yeah, turns out I don’t actually have any interest in reading this article at all.

Well. Don’t build shit in a floodplain.

uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh interviews. Just intuit how awesome I am, K?

You know what? Stop telling me you have tasks for me. It’s kind of demeaning.

But no. Because no.

Yeah, it’s been long enough. Time to get going on this.

I have been astonishingly busy today. You may not get this post until later. And I’ve been so good lately too.

Also I should just change the name of this site to Random Wednesday since I never post anything else any more.

Also I am tired and forgot what I was going to say next.

Really? You can’t change a battery?

I’ve driven through a lot of corners and pieces. Sometimes I forget.

It’ll be OK. You’re nice people.

Yeah, but if a surrogate is carrying a baby that is not biologically hers, I see no issue at all with the biological parents paying her for it. Is this bill about that or is it regarding a surrogate carrying a child that is biologically hers? Cos yeah, that’s kind of icky. I don’t have enough information here.

But no, let’s just keep blaming the NRA for the whole thing. Cos that makes sense.


Yeah, but it’s not like the angels become nice later. They’re pretty much always dicks. Which Dean will consistently remind you of. “Angels are dicks.”

Well I know this. I know what isn’t working.

“Here’s the thing – fuck everyone.”

I just want to look. I don’t want to fucking sign up for shit.

Oh, cheese.

I admit, I did not really pay attention to the Amanda Knox case when it was in the news. I did not know details until just this week, actually. Now I have to say I am completely appalled that she and her boyfriend were convicted of that poor girl’s murder. It seems patently obvious that they were innocent.

ILU Alibris.

Ohhhh. Happy birthday, Jensen Ackles. You know I usually prefer the old dudes, but you are among a few notable exceptions.

P.S. totally love my husband, thank you.

This is why I can’t listen to podcasts at work. I realize I’ve completely stopped listening after about 20 minutes and have no idea what’s going on.

How is the paperback only $3 less than the hardcover? That is patently ridiculous.

Did I use patently twice in this post? That is patently hilarious.

I feel like virtual reality would just make me vomit.

I need to knit that into a sweater. Colorwork. A fuck everyone yoke.

OK, episode 14 kind of annoyed me. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Til the end. And then I was sad that you lost your friend.


It’s funny, cos I had a feeling I should probably be there. I’m glad they asked.

Although, I suspect it’ll be quiet. And that we’re nervous for nothing.


Random Wednesday

“You got: Mr. Clever! You are the brainiest person that ever lived. You’re an emporium of knowledge and everyone wants to learn from you. In fact, you’re so clever that you too could live in Cleverland, where the worms read books and the trees can tell the time. Carry on teaching the world new things, Mr. Clever!”

Well. I am pretty clever. Let’s be honest.

I would definitely not rather be naked than wear fur.

Sam’s season 7 hair looks like it perpetually needs to be washed. Kinda gross.

Holy hell am I ever busy lately.

I forgot to Just in Cases that shit last week.

Yeah, I have no idea what that means.

I think I’ll quit my job to fix our democracy and stuff. Talk about privilege. And hubris.

Wow. I need to knit some kind of sweater in that colorway. It’s so bloody and gorgeous. Maybe a cardigan. With pocketses.

ILU Babylon Bee.

I think I don’t actually LU, after all, Flonase.

My boot is broken. Dammit.

crap crap crap crap crap

You can’t make fake scotch, dude. It’s literally called scotch because it’s distilled in Scotland. That’s where it gets its name. Anything else is whiskey.

Gah. Michael Moore. You’re so gross. And such a tool.

Now I need $30K for an MLIS, and $30K to bring Gaiman to campus. I suspect I will fail on both fronts.

It’s fine. I’ll just sit here by myself.

Phone interviews – super awkward, but not as awful as I’d been led to believe.


Is it not better to be prepared for something and have it never happen, than to have it happen and be completely unprepared?

Or. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.


I wish that came in peppermint scent.

I feel like crap.

This is the longest week ever. It just keeps going and going and going.

I feel like crap and the doc says, well you look fine, try some decongestant. BUT I’M NOT CONGESTED.

I hate everything.

I don’t like crunchy green beans.

Why didn’t they have Gal Gadot wear blue contact lenses?

“You got: Karen Kilgariff You’re tough on the outside but soft on the inside. The only thing that outshines your wit and sarcasm is that adorable button nose of yours! Byyyye!” … Yeah, I totally buy that.

I wouldn’t want to be president. I’d be a really good adviser though.

Oh that says TED Talks. I thought it said Tea Talks. I was so confused. And intrigued.

I keep thinking I’m going to finish that season and I never do. It’s like with Fringe. It took me forever to finally watch the final season. And it was disappointing. Or at least not terribly memorable.

Honey, I’m just trying to help you. But you can just fuck off and die. It’s all the same to me.

It’s all either ass kissery or total bitchery. It’s fucking exhausting.

I do LU Google Translate.

I just remembered Babelfish.

Gah. This didn’t start out as a cranky post.


I definitely do not LU, Outlook.

I think I’ll finish this at home. Probably. Maybe.

Screw it. I’m stopping for taco fixins and staying off the interwebs.

I’ll do crunches all night. And squats. Crunches and squats.

Cos I’m fat.

But after the tacos.


Random Wednesday

OK, pretty much loving this new track from Buffalo Tom. I drifted away from them for a long time, but this might bring me back. They are one of my favorite bands ever.

No, I’m serious. I actively hate everyone. WHO ARE THE PEOPLE FUNDING THIS???

in an on

shake it up

Dammit. I want the tunic. And the leggings. Dammit!

Now this is hilarious.

They’re running a little behind schedule if that’s true.

Chicken wings? Really?

These kids are killing me.

Poor lovey.

I am a terrible mother.

I don’t even know what that means.

And this is awesome.

It is astonishingly quiet here today. What is up.

Maybe I should take spring break off. Did I do that last year? I think I did.

I should definitely do more knitting posts.

I’m so bad at that.

teddible teddible

Oh good. It’s time for the endless yammering to begin.

I’d like a big comfy chair please.

It’s not actually supposed to be a junk room, thanks.

I actually find this monumentally amusing.

I need to own the fact that I am never going to knit the stupid button band to that sweater.

I’d just frog the whole thing and use the yarn for something else, but now I hate the color of that yarn.

Stop using Mail Chimp, people.


I can’t fill out the application for you.

We probably need a rototiller.

Actually. I’d like to build a greenhouse.

But we do need to plant some things outside for the bees. We need some more apple trees.

I’m still bitter.

Ha, I was so confused. It’s not my birthday!

But I don’t want a Wayne State shirt. Thanks all the same.

Student Supervisor of the Year nominee two years running! I’ll find out next week if I won. My students are awesome.

Happy Valentine’s Day



Random Wednesday

Stop helping.

I have a birthday coming up ….

Still can’t stand Stephen King.

This is exactly the kind of thing I’d love to do, and I’m exactly the kind of person who couldn’t pull it off.

I wish I knew who unfollowed me on Instagram so I could unfollow them back.


There is nothing I can do for you. You should move along now. shoo shoo.

I hate that interloper feeling I get. Like I don’t belong. Like people would rather I just went. Especially when it’s something I really want to be a part of. Especially when it’s so hard for me to actually want to be a part of something.

You are weirding me out, pal.

My children do not get an allowance. If they want money, they have to work for it.

I totally forgot Junior Achievement was a thing.


He is not a very intuitive thinker.

Now that’s one smart cookie.

I think that scale is wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m fatter than that.

That was a monumental waste of time.

It’s so strange to think that the wall came down a full generation ago. And to say “I remember when it happened.” How has all that time passed?

It’s 100% a Biggby day. I’m pretty sure.

“I want to sit in a corner and rock myself into a stupor while eating a bottle of Xanax.
But I won’t.
But I feel like it.”

I know exactly how you feel, sister.

I miss rotary phones.


Today is a good day for pizza. I’m pretty sure.

Someone should make me the main character of a book.

I don’t know what to say to you.

There’s a Psychedelic Furs song I’m thinking of but I can’t remember the name of it and now I can’t find it. It’s rather frustrating.

I got news for you, kitten.

I probably need an iPad for my birthday. In case you were wondering what to get me.


People take the crappiest pictures of things they want to sell.

Maybe it’s more of a taco day. I’m not at all sure.

Should I apply for that job? I don’t know. I think I probably will.

Damn. No reprieve tomorrow.

That whole span of time is just weird to me now.

So many patterns, so little time to knit them, so little yarn to knit them with.

Can I just have more yarn please?

All the yarn.

This drive home is going to be funtastic.

I need to get back to that list.

I need to stop being so all over the place.

Follow. Through.

Still don’t wanna go to grad school. ‘Less somebody wants to pay for my MLIS.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.


Random Wednesday

I wonder why they never use your name, even when they know who you are.

I could really go for a nap.

I guess not as long as they’re free.

She’s actually Kali. Which would explain a lot.

I miss the X Files of yore, when the whole federal government was suspect and not to be trusted instead of today’s “let’s just beat everyone over the head until they’re senseless with our anti-Trump message.” I mean it’s just so boorish. Juvenile. Pedestrian. Obvious. At the very least, Chris Carter, you could be subtle. I mean we all know you’re capable of subtlety.

And I’m not even pro-Trump.

You’re weirding me out.

I hate you, copier. I hate you.

I wish that took longer to do, actually.

I think Larry Nassar should be brutally tortured every single one of his remaining days, but that judge crossed a very important line with her commentary, and instead of calling her a hero, people ought to be a little concerned about how she handled herself during that sentencing.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the people shouting that the future is female are the same people who insist that gender is fluid and non-binary?

Farewell, Tiny Letter. It could have been awesome.

No really. It works. I’m not just messing with you.

I do actually know how to do that.

Jesus Christ

I should do a Good Death podcast.

If I were the kind of person to podcast.

That is hilarious and I am sorry it did not happen to me.

I’m sorry, but I actually played a pretty crucial role in this whole thing too. But yeah, don’t give me any credit.

OMG this has to have been a joke.

Sometimes hearing someone say “you matter” just doesn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference.

I will give you six dollars and my eternal gratitude and friendship.

If I took a Random hiatus to work on a book, would you buy it?

Bringing back memento mori photography, with a modern eye. I feel really good about this.

Just because I’m here right now doesn’t mean I’m on the clock. Leave me alone.

The Mitten is too cloudy for that sort of thing. I can live with that.

ILU Flonase.

I wonder how feasible it would be to get a funeral director’s license at this stage.

Oh. I’d have to get a whole ‘nother bachelor’s.

I’m not really excited about doing embalming anyway.

I can’t help it if I’m feeling particularly bitter this week.

Don’t let anybody steal it!

Our “neighborhood” is hilarious.

Now we definitely need a pig.

Never mind about Random. Or the book. I think I’ll just quit this whole thing.

Sudden blessed quiet. Did the apocalypse happen to everyone in here but me?

Roman candles thingies.

I do love a good dinner roll.

The Winchesters sure are able to find. Wait. I said this before. I think.

This roast beast is actually quite good for a frozen lunch.

Can you like music if you don’t have a soul? I do not think that you can.

I feel like I’ve said that before too.

This calls for a bath in alcohol gel.

Aneurysm is my spelling kryptonite.

See, when you give in to this kind of nonsense, the lunatic fringe wins. Jesus.

I’m sorry, chickens. I’m feeling less bitter now. But still thinking about hanging this up.

You can’t list fries as a bullet point. It’s a side dish.

The pig saga might be my favorite thing about 2018. And that is a fact.

I’m pretty sure you can be arrested for that.

It’s a sinking ship, and I have a feeling I’ma be the only one left on the deck on account of everyone else took the life preservers.

I need to find a home for this calendar.

Anyone want to read along?

I guess I could eat.

I should probably wash my hair.

What are they doing to our sign? Is it supposed to light up? I’ve never seen it in the dark. In the dark. In the dark. (And that, chickens, is an actual real time stream of consciousness glimpse inside my brain.)


Random Wednesday


I don’t know. I think there’s something about me that generally just

The faces on these ridiculously spendy apostles look like the faces in these family photos.

Crap. I need to clean out the closets.

Also I need to clean out the garage once and for all. Dammit. As soon as April gets here I’m cleaning out the garage.

What? Have you been to the Mitten in January? Not exactly garage cleaning weather.

This person has spelled declaration three different ways in this email.

I completely ran out of steam.

Well I don’t keep those things.

Don’t you mean anti-federalists?

Look, if it’s not on your calendar, I can’t schedule around it.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy is it so bright in here all the damn time?

I don’t know when, I don’t know if

I really could have used a longer nap.

Oooooh I’ve been unfriended. I wonder who it was. That hasn’t happened in a while.

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna finally figure out this whole sewing thing. I really want those two dresses, and the only way I’m gonna get them is to make them. If I can knit, I can sew. Dammit.

They say “What’s that supposed to mean?” an awful lot on Supernatural.

Aaaaand this is why I’m fat.

Does every post you make have to be filled with sarcastic dickery? Really? You’re not actually smarter than everyone. I know you might like to think you are. But you’re not.


No, really, I’m seriously asking. Is it even possible for you to stop talking?

Ack! No. A friend posted this because she loved it and I looked and it made me so tense. I just want to yell “Clean up those messes!!!!” How funny. I love being reminded how differently art affects people.

Wow, that’s the first time all year that I’ve typed 2017 instead of 2018. Not bad.

There is an astonishingly convenient prevalence of unpaved crossroads available to the Winchesters.

out of place

mise en place

Such a devastating disease. These photographs are so beautiful.


I can’t help it if you don’t like me. It’s not really my problem.

me. anywhere.

I will make the request, but I make no promises.

It’s official. I need a third monitor.

I improved it a little.

Fuck it. I quit. I quit everything. I’m defeated. 100%. You win.

Ha. This came up in my FB memories: Apparently my “How to Be a Girl” manual was missing the chapters on “How to See Everything as Sexual Harassment” and “How to Be a Perpetual Victim and Call It Feminism.”

Radio Racquetball

This is exhausting.

I haven’t listened to Tori Amos in a very very long time.

These carrots aren’t quite mushy enough.

Like just GTFO me while I’m trying to cook. This is hilarious.

I need a dog. Probably.




Random Wednesday

I typed that as ransom instead of random. I guess I could hold this post ransom. I don’t think anyone would pay for it though.

I think this is my favorite thing on the internet so far this year. Does the left ever stop consuming itself?

She’s so out of touch with reality. It’s kind of astonishing.

Man. I really wish that position wasn’t two steps down the ladder. It sounds awesome.

Anyone want to pay for me to get my MLS? That’s what I really want to do.

Can I just pay someone to make these two dresses for me?

Wow. That was rude.

I was into Tarantino for a minute, but honestly, he just doesn’t do it for me.

Tide Pod challenge?? I suppose that’s one way to cleanse …

We checked out Electric Dreams, despite my aversion to Anna Paquin. I don’t know. Meh.

Wow, these cookies softened right up over night. Perfection.

So much of my site is broken still from the crash. It might be better just to delete those posts. Oooooooooor find the time to fix them all. SIGH.

I’d be an outstanding social studies teacher. Actually.

You are startin’ to get on my nerves, kid.

I remember going to see the Dark Crystal in the movie theatre in the next town over when I was a kid. It was a super stormy day. I was at my grandpa’s house because I think he must have been the one taking us. It must have been me and Ali. The paper boy got struck by lightning.

Kinda makes you wish

help please. need help. kind of desperate. help help. help.

Here’s your resolution.

They send out all the missile warnings in error so that when a missile is actually incoming, we ignore it. Then we get wiped out. Population control. That’s the point.

Shut up, I am not a conspiracy theorist. It makes total sense.

Oh duh. I totally forgot about the entire episode about the antichrist. Sheesh. They should bring that kid back.

You don’t actually have to be a bitch about it. Really. I know that’s hard to believe.

Great. JUST when I get my head around the NOT SPENDING, you have to go ahead and send me this website. Thanks a LOT. I’m reasonably certain I need that 9 to 5 one. The whole outfit, actually. I have a birthday coming up.

I’d like it if FB stopped notifying me about all of your fundraisers.

The more I think about this teaching deal, the more appealing it sounds.

If this week is short you can say it’s OK because last week was so extra long.

I haven’t traveled anywhere in a long time. I feel like I need to travel somewhere.

Oh let me just get that for you.

I can’t tell if this stuff is even doing what it’s supposed to be doing or not.

This is fantastic. I love it.

stop talking stop talking stop talking

Oh, don’t mind me. I work for the State Department.

What a weird title for something. “State Department.” Just seems strange to me.

Ooph. Too many cookies.

I don’t even understand LinkedIn. At all. It’s as mysterious to me now as Twitter has become.

I’ll bake you cakes. (You can trade them for favors.)

I like this pepperminty lotion, Mrs. Meyers.

Yep. I see how I rate.

I only have two subscribers, so I’m thinking of scrapping this. Last chance to sign up, I guess.

Oh, each episode is stand alone. Yeah, I don’t know about that either. I kind of prefer a serial.

Goals I didn’t know I had.

Ellen Pompeo has that plastic surgery squint.

Huh. I do not remember liking that page.

Go away, cookie. Go away now.


Random Wednesday

Dear God why.

That job sounds kind of awesome. Too bad it’s two pay grades below mine.

I hate it when I clean my desk and dust it and wipe it down and then it takes me a full day to get my keyboard and mouse back to where they’re comfortable again.

So I’m thinking W’s Girl Scout troop is officially dead. I’ma miss those cookies.

I’m just going to interoffice these damn things since I can’t seem to remember to bring them to coffee with me.

And by coffee I mean caramel apple cider until Biggby cuts me off.

Huh. I was expecting something dirtier I guess.

Well just give it a minute. Sheesh.

Digitize it!

Your horrible horrible cheap perfume alone is enough of a reason for me to be looking for a new place to work. God.

Whenever I see Menominee anywhere that Sesame Street song starts going through my head.

Read present tense.

That is some kinda fucked up.

“The medium is not always the message.”

Nice try, kid.

You thought it was a breakup letter, didn’t you?

What’s the name of that place we went with all the Norwegians and the unbelievable bakery?

The answer is NO.

I love you, Twix.

Stop telling me what to do, liberals. Stop. Staaaaaaahp. Why are you so bossy? You are not the boss of me.

Pretty sure this is what TAs are for …

I guess no one wants a letter from me then?

This is why I can’t deal with women. If you’re not of the hive mind, you must be destroyed.

But. But. But I NEED cookies.

Yes, Death Cafe. Sign me up.

Death positive, baby.

Go get yo food, bitch.

Life is too short to read books that do nothing for you.


Who knocked the Pumpkin King over, people? Heads. Will. Roll.

Yeah, no. No President Oprah, but good try.

Son of a motherless goat.

Just get the chicken one then.

Where are we going?

Shop your Instagram? Sweetie, no one who reads your blog can afford those prices.

I just don’t even know what to say about this.

I do not know.

I can’t review that book. I can’t even seem to finish it. In fact, I completely forgot I was reading it.

I have no idea how I got this email, but it turned out to be an interesting read.

I’m dealing with the PDFs, OK???

I remembered to bring them to coffee with me!

Oops. Blood sugar crash. Nothing worse than missing your protein window.

Everything seems warmer than it is because we got used to it being minus eleventy degrees.

And there’s the nail in the coffin of my love for Jason Isaacs. Sigh. Hypocritical asshole, just like all the others.

Come on, it’s not like I’m even a Trump family cheerleader. I just think this shit is messed up. Are you standing up for women or not? Right. You’re not.

Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t love her on Broadchurch, not sure I’ll love her as the Doctor. Not sure I’m really interested in a female Doctor anyway.

It would be nice if you could just go ahead and get back to me please and thank you.

Nothing like hanging around where you’re not appreciated.

I’ll be announcing my own cryptocurrency later today.

Wow, I just got lost in Twitter for a minute. I don’t even understand that place any more.

I love my new coat.

I’m so rolling my eyes at you.

Oh. I guess you were talking about the county.

Do you ever stop talking?

Good job. Good job.

Watching Sam Winchester do the whole demon blood junkie thing grosses me the hell out.

I typed bomb instead of Bob. Seems legit.

First of all, everybody knows you can have more than one best friend. Second of all, good luck with that.

I’ve never really been an Oprah fan anyway, to be honest.

… I half expect to find out that this is going to be happening on campus every time I come to work. I’m not really joking.

Don’t get too hung up on that rule.

I can’t write that many things.

Maybe I should try Harney & Sons.


Well that’s good news. But it doesn’t matter.

I threw it on the ground.

I hope you don’t think I’m picking up that slack. Cos I’m not.

I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything.

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