Dear God why.

That job sounds kind of awesome. Too bad it’s two pay grades below mine.

I hate it when I clean my desk and dust it and wipe it down and then it takes me a full day to get my keyboard and mouse back to where they’re comfortable again.

So I’m thinking W’s Girl Scout troop is officially dead. I’ma miss those cookies.

I’m just going to interoffice these damn things since I can’t seem to remember to bring them to coffee with me.

And by coffee I mean caramel apple cider until Biggby cuts me off.

Huh. I was expecting something dirtier I guess.

Well just give it a minute. Sheesh.

Digitize it!

Your horrible horrible cheap perfume alone is enough of a reason for me to be looking for a new place to work. God.

Whenever I see Menominee anywhere that Sesame Street song starts going through my head.

Read present tense.

That is some kinda fucked up.

“The medium is not always the message.”

Nice try, kid.

You thought it was a breakup letter, didn’t you?

What’s the name of that place we went with all the Norwegians and the unbelievable bakery?

The answer is NO.

I love you, Twix.

Stop telling me what to do, liberals. Stop. Staaaaaaahp. Why are you so bossy? You are not the boss of me.

Pretty sure this is what TAs are for …

I guess no one wants a letter from me then?

This is why I can’t deal with women. If you’re not of the hive mind, you must be destroyed.

But. But. But I NEED cookies.

Yes, Death Cafe. Sign me up.

Death positive, baby.

Go get yo food, bitch.

Life is too short to read books that do nothing for you.


Who knocked the Pumpkin King over, people? Heads. Will. Roll.

Yeah, no. No President Oprah, but good try.

Son of a motherless goat.

Just get the chicken one then.

Where are we going?

Shop your Instagram? Sweetie, no one who reads your blog can afford those prices.

I just don’t even know what to say about this.

I do not know.

I can’t review that book. I can’t even seem to finish it. In fact, I completely forgot I was reading it.

I have no idea how I got this email, but it turned out to be an interesting read.

I’m dealing with the PDFs, OK???

I remembered to bring them to coffee with me!

Oops. Blood sugar crash. Nothing worse than missing your protein window.

Everything seems warmer than it is because we got used to it being minus eleventy degrees.

And there’s the nail in the coffin of my love for Jason Isaacs. Sigh. Hypocritical asshole, just like all the others.

Come on, it’s not like I’m even a Trump family cheerleader. I just think this shit is messed up. Are you standing up for women or not? Right. You’re not.

Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t love her on Broadchurch, not sure I’ll love her as the Doctor. Not sure I’m really interested in a female Doctor anyway.

It would be nice if you could just go ahead and get back to me please and thank you.

Nothing like hanging around where you’re not appreciated.

I’ll be announcing my own cryptocurrency later today.

Wow, I just got lost in Twitter for a minute. I don’t even understand that place any more.

I love my new coat.

I’m so rolling my eyes at you.

Oh. I guess you were talking about the county.

Do you ever stop talking?

Good job. Good job.

Watching Sam Winchester do the whole demon blood junkie thing grosses me the hell out.

I typed bomb instead of Bob. Seems legit.

First of all, everybody knows you can have more than one best friend. Second of all, good luck with that.

I’ve never really been an Oprah fan anyway, to be honest.

… I half expect to find out that this is going to be happening on campus every time I come to work. I’m not really joking.

Don’t get too hung up on that rule.

I can’t write that many things.

Maybe I should try Harney & Sons.


Well that’s good news. But it doesn’t matter.

I threw it on the ground.

I hope you don’t think I’m picking up that slack. Cos I’m not.

I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for everything.