And where is the last place on Earth you’d like to be?

Are you kidding me? I do not answer my phone before 8 a.m. I’m not technically here.

Five bucks says –

She doesn’t have that much wiggle.

WTF FB. You’re not giving me notifications that I have messages and that’s annoying. What good are you?

Will he or won’t he?

Dude. Your first mistake was calling me dear. I don’t know you. I only tolerate that shit from little old people who are kind and mean it as an actual enDEARment. You’re just a smarmy jackass.

And also my friend Mandi, who calls me dear, which she got from her mom, and it’s nice.



WTF did I do to my neck?

This literally makes no sense. How do you put 8 oz of water under your tongue?

Purple velvet Doc Martens? That is totally impractical!

Some people just get weirder and weirder all the time.

I’m firmly agnostic, but I still say bless you to people. It’s just a nice thing to do. And also, what if there actually ARE evil spirits waiting to leap into your body while your soul is momentarily expended from that sneeze? What then? Won’t you be sorry you told me to fuck off because I said bless you? Yes. Yes you will. And I’ll just shrug at your poor homeless soul and say “Hey. I tried, dude. Have fun out there in the ether.”

Gorram list.serv. Just once I would like to be able to update this shit without any problems.

Man. I just did a sarcastigraph.

Merry Christmas, cocksuckers.

If you don’t get that joke, you clearly aren’t watching the right kind of television.

Jackass. I know the difference between an out of office reply and a bounce back. I’m not a moron.

You’re kind of weirding me out, man.

A donut and a protein shake are a perfectly legitimate breakfast combo.

I have no idea what day it is.

I applaud FLOTUS for wearing sensible shoes in Iraq. But it’s not like the right didn’t mock Michelle at every turn for her fashion choices, myself included. Dear God that woman’s taste is sometimes atrocious.

Sooooooooo much to do. Soooooooooooo little motivation to do it.

I’ve never met anyone who patted themselves on the back as much as you do.

“Michigan Will See a Super Wolf Blood Moon Eclipse in January” That doesn’t even sound like a real thing.

Aw man. I wish they hadn’t canceled Forever.

Would have been nice if the actors in White Boy Rick had at least visited Michigan before attempting to sound like they were lifelong residents. Pretty sure the chick who played Dawn has Detroit thoroughly confused with Brooklyn. Good grief.

Hello, bacon.


I’ve literally never seen a pet shop that had actual puppies in it.

I didn’t even know Kim and Kanye had had a third baby. Now they’re having a fourth. Huh. I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. They do have beautiful children though.

I don’t need a recap, thanks.

Wow, that’s a lot of pages.

I bet she’s in there complaining about me.

First of all – these jackets have never not been hideous. Secondly, I’m not sure in this culture of METOO and all that, people really oughta be buying this hideous garbage and wearing it around. But what do I know? And finally, this article is full of typos. It’s appalling.

OK, for real I kinda love these bifocal contacts.

I haven’t done a test knit in months.

I can’t believe he’s still here.

I am never going to care about Hamilton.

Or your cat.

It will never be 5:00 again.

I think I’m gonna go ahead with the book blog. Jentober Reads. You’ll love it, or your money back. What? What do you mean you’re not going to pay me? Like it would kill you to hit the tip jar once in a while? You think this kind of genius is cheap to maintain?

Do ya!

“Have you had the conversation?” Reminds me of that movie The Rapture. I can’t put my finger on why.

I need a new job.

That’s hilarious and all, but Krispy Kreme donuts are sucktastic. Like the worst donuts ever sucktastic.

Well. There you have it. I survived the first day back from break. And so did everyone who came near me.