I’d like to be the kind of woman who can afford this. Alas. Sadness. I’m in love with that Frozen Bay colorway.

This shit? Is a good 50% of what is wrong with this country. It’s disgusting. Also, apologies for linking to such an awful site. Bleah.

I keep thinking I need to live outside my own head more, and then I peek out at the world and say “nope.”

I just picked up my glass of water to put it in my drawer instead of the thing I actually wanted to put in my drawer. I’m unhinged.

I don’t even like that song.

That is disgusting.

Is anyone else tired of Millennials whining about burnout?


If you’re a parent calling up and pretending to be your student, you’re kind of a dick. Cut that shit out.

Great. Now I’ve seen John Malkovitch’s butt. Thanks a lot.

might have be

Dear men everywhere – Never put tiny clip on roses in your beard. Just no. Ew.


Dentists should give out full containers of dental floss instead of these stupid sample containers. First of all, these are a waste of plastic. Secondly, they run out precisely when you need floss the most. Third, I have never, in my entire adult life, remembered to actually purchase a container of dental floss at the bloody store.

There are only two legitimate ways to arrange books: by genre and alphabetical. Anything else is a clear sign of mental illness.

Maybe it’s time to retire the Christmas card.

I miss my old space heater. I could always get the perfect temperature with it. This one sucks.

Huh. I thought Joy Williams’ album was already out. I don’t know where I got that idea.

Don’t expect me to make this easier on you.

There had better be cider.

No, we don’t have any sporks. Also why can’t you just use a real spoon?

Read also: Midwestern. Hey I’m both. Irish AND Midwestern. Dear God, I’m doomed from the start am I not? (The length of the leave-taking I mean. Not the abrupt leaving without goodbye – a practice I clearly need to adopt.) Look. I know what I mean here, and that’s really all that matters.

I know your claim to fame is being freaky fast, but sometimes you might want to slow the fuck down and actually make sure you’re constructing a sandwich correctly. I mean it’s just good business. You don’t have to be in my office five minutes after I place an order. I’ll survive if you don’t make it here for 10. Jesus.

Hell yeah, Hormel. Good on you!


I wish I had a way of knowing who unfollowed me on Instagram so I could unfollow them back.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

It’s Benny!

Um. Dude. It’s not Twitter that’s ruining American journalism. It’s American journalists who are ruining American journalism.

It’s the Golem!

“Are restaurants getting too loud?” Yes, and so is absolutely everywhere else.

It just seems incredibly ego-centric to have that kind of conversation, but what do I know?

Edgar does not have salmonella!

Everything does not have salmonella!!

How am I supposed to write four pages on this shit?

I wish I had some chips.

No. I wish I had a donut.

I pretty much always wish I had a donut. It’s true.

First of all, Zac Efron and heartthrob do not belong in the same sentence.

This is so fun, and also now I want one. I bet the kids would love it.

It’s funny thinking about that again. Sitting there saying the Rosary. Such a long time ago.

There have been colder actual temperatures in my lifetime, but I can’t remember a colder wind chill.

Um. I don’t know anyone who is grieving anything right now. How am I supposed to do this?

I mean, if you’re comfortable being a murderer, I guess that’s on you. You’ll have to forgive me if I disassociate myself from you entirely.

I was going to say “I think I’ll just post this tomorrow.” But we have another snow day tomorrow, which literally never happens, so I don’t know what I’ll do I guess.

We’ll all be surprised together!

I completely forgot that even existed.

I have a fundamental distrust for those people.

I don’t like not knowing what people really look like.

Maybe it’s the photographer in me.

Maybe it’s the Mulder.

Who can say?