Stop dangling your participles all over the place.

Shut up with your cuteness.

I bet you still can’t understand a bloody word he says.

I really expected all of this to take much longer.

Not everything needs a bird on it.

I have no idea what I’m doing right now.

It’s not like I meant to take the paint off the wall.

I don’t know about you, but the first time I saw the photo with the text, I laughed so hard I had tears, and couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. I thought it was hi-larious. I love our Christmas cards.

I could not watch more than a minute or two. It’s kind of terrifying.

Someone should tell Western that 8a.m. is cruel and unusual.

“To adorn as with festoons.” If someone is looking up the word festoon, I don’t think this is going to clear things up much …

I love those little succulent plants. They make me happy. I should have more of them in my life.

I should have less of this headache in my life. Stupid spring weather in December.

Cruz outraged his children are attacked in a political cartoon, rightfully, (though it could have been much much worse), then immediately uses it as a fundraising opportunity. That just seems the tiniest bit hypocritical to me.

This is my favorite Remy yet. Perfection.

Is it really still legitimately “new” media at this point? Isn’t it really just the media?

I wonder why we say “long ass day.” I wonder how the ass got in there.

Wait. It’s bad enough they tracked down my home address. Now they’ve found my email too??

I don’t think I’m ever going to finish that book.

I don’t believe in new year resolutions.

Why do people always put a comma there? In July 2014, he went quietly insane. I think people forget that a comma is an indicator of a pause. Why would you pause there? And you aren’t separating anything. It’s madness to place a comma there. Madness! Those misplaced commas are probably what drove our protagonist round the bend.

morally dumbfounded

Once again, I am unable to get temperaturely comfortable in this office.

I maybe ought to wash my hair soon.

Maybe. Possibly.

I just love him.

I swear I already unliked the Daily Caller. All they ever post is half naked women. I don’t know when they stopped actually talking about news.

Perhaps what I should have said was “I seriously know some of the biggest egos …” I’m totally kidding.

He’s a damn good looking man. Too bad he dresses like a hipster.

Yeah, no one actually says “dunderheaded.”

I honestly can’t decide if I like the fine point or the bold better. So I guess it doesn’t much matter which I use.

Wait. No. I think I might like the fine.

Oh Lord.

Longest workday of the year.

What. That’s how it ends?? It just ends like that? That is messed up. Thanks a lot, Haven. Thanks a lot.

I think my stomach is angry with me.

Crap. I gotta make a dessert for the thing.

Oh my God, this day is never going to end.

“Tornadoes are possible in southwest Michigan tonight. It’s not a high chance, but not exactly your typical December weather, either.” Merry Christmas, Pure Michigan.

It’s possible that I may never finish that sweater. It’ll be the unfinished object that haunts me to my death.

The humidity must be rising because my hair, which was all nice and straight this morning, is getting WEIRD.

All these weird blogs that are basically the same with very similar names. Small Things. It’s the Little Things. Enjoying the Small Things.

I think they might be trying to tell me something about things and their sizes and appreciating them.

It’s raining, it’s pouring …

I know she’s questioning my statement that that is a scientific fact. But it is.

I should have filled this flask with Scotch before I came to work.

Look. These two women are eerily similar. They both have three children of roughly the same age. Two boys and one girl. They both have immaculate homes with a horrifying amount of white things. They both use those essential oils like it’s a miracle cure. They both use the same hipster scissors and butcher’s twine!!! It weirds me out. Whose kitchen counter is that bloody clean when they’re baking cookies? WHOSE??

I just read the one’s post about postpartum depression and I felt sad for her.

But they still weird me out.

OK. It’s not like I’m judging. It’s more like I’m dumbfounded. I mean who would I be to judge anyway? They have thousands of followers or readers or what have you. I have like 20.

And where the hell is the furnace guy, anyway??

I ate a lot of junk today. I kind of hate myself a tiny bit.

… much later …

Well that furnace guy will never get my business. Found a much better guy who totally helped us over the phone. Kidder Heating and Air Conditioning, if you’re in the area and need help. Good people.

I give up on today. I’m cooked. I need a shower. I need sleep. I need to live through Christmas.

Live through this.

Great, now I have Doll Parts or whatever it is stuck in my head.